Or is DH an insensitive idiot?

[HopefullyAnonymous]

I have really been struggling with my MH lately. Lots of issues - very stressful job, my manager is an arse, close family member with a number of recent suicide attempts, parent with a disability meaning they need lots of support and are constantly in pain, financial worries. I feel under a lot of pressure and things with DH have suffered a little. I’ve spent a long time trying to keep a lid on things but have started opening up about how low I’ve been feeling.

I’ve also in the last week had a referral for counselling through works occupational health. I can’t find the motivation to do anything but the basics really and could happily spend every day in bed. I’ve forgotten what fun feels like to an extent and just go through the motions with friends etc.

A big issue in the marriage has always been DHs laziness with cleaning. He always does half a job, I think in the hope that I will stop asking him to do things. I just ask him to do it again though, and sometimes give helpful pointers. But I’m regularly going to get plates/glasses that aren’t properly clean and I’m getting bloody sick of pointing it out when he should be more than capable 🙄

On to tonight. I’ve cooked tea, having to rewash a few bits because he was out. Went to get a wine glass to have with tea, it was filthy. I told him that this situation is really getting me down, he cut straight in and said “everything gets you down these days. It’s pathetic. You need to get a grip of yourself”, this was all in quite a nasty tone.

I’ve taken myself off to bed as didn’t want to eat with him and I’m really upset. I regret opening up to him if he’s now going to throw it in my face. Also, why can’t he just bloody clean properly?

AIBU? Sorry, this is a bit of a pathetic ramble I suppose.

And you cooked this man supper because....?

He’s being a nasty prat. He either knows you are having a rough time and is using it to deflect the fact that he can’t be bothered to wash up properly (wtf?).

Or he’s completely oblivious of your feelings & situation, in which case he’s pretty self centred.

Why wash the thing again? He's deemed it clean so you serve him his wine in the filthy glass. You put his food on the dirty plates and you give him the food crusted cutlery.

Clean your own stuff. Don't touch his

And also leave him. I'm sure your mood will improve without that nonsense from him.

I don’t wash things again normally, I call him through and make him do it. It is so frustrating and he just says oh well the dishwasher is crap, when I know it’s really him. On top of everything else I really don’t need it. His comment hurt though, I am ALWAYS trying to put a brave face on when I’m around other people. Including him. It’s exhausting.

You shouldn't need to with him, so that says a lot really.

Unsupportive arse.

Just out the dirty items to one side for him to clean again and get another one out. If you run out, clean something for you and give him dirty

He's being an insensitive idiot. Sorry.

Oh OP that was very harsh of him. He clearly doesn’t even begin to comprehend how low you are feeling. Some people really don’t get it but that is absolutely no excuse for his comment.
You really are feeling down and hopefully the counselling will help you a bit.
I don’t have much proper advice but from the little that I know, if you can somehow push yourself just that little bit more to try and get outside no matter how bad the weather is, it seems to help lift your spirits a little bit. This is by no means a cure for your present situation, but it would help you a little bit and baby steps is probably what you need right now. Also, if you like animals, interacting with them helps a little bit (like watching the ducks by the river or interacting with dogs or cats if you actually like dogs or cats or a visit to a farm where you are allowed to touch animals).
You don’t need any kind of pressure right now, DH clearly doesn’t have a clue about how you really feel. Do you have a good supportive friend or family member you can open up to, who might be more encouraging and helpful.
Also worth considering, DH’s half hearted attempt at cleaning is something you see all the time, it is an obvious error and everybody with half a brain should be able to clean something reasonably well so it is something you pick on all the time (even f you don’t always verbalise it) because it’s the nearest thing you can throw your frustration at. But your main (reason/s) for the way you feel might be something bigger maybe even at an emotional level if not of a practical nature, which you may be aware of are trying to avoid. Becoming too introspective at this stage might have its use but it may also send you further down a spiral of this sense you are currently experiencing.
I hope this makes some sense.

Thanks @Branster for your kind reply. I do try and force myself out when I can but over the last few weeks I’ve spent my weekday days off (shift worker) on the sofa with the curtains drawn feeling sorry for myself.

DH is one of those people who never has a care in the world. I’ve never known him to feel sad or nervous, never seen him cry or even angry really. So he doesn’t understand that I can’t just ignore my troubles or feelings.

Sorry to hear you’re having such a crap time OP. Your partner doesn’t sound like he respects you very much. He certainly doesn’t listen to you.

I know you aren’t in the headspace you leave him just now but the time will come when you feel strong enough to think about that I’m sure!

Can you go to your gp for some meds? That may help you. I got anti-d’s and felt so much more energetic and capable of dealing with all the physical, mental and emotional stress in my life. Came off them when things improved.

Perhaps you could get through to your arseholehusband if you agree with him. “You were right about what you said bout me getting upset about stuff. So I will get a grip. It’s gonna start with you doing your fair share of chores. Which ones do you want to do, as you are clearly incapable of doing dishes and unless you want me to start putting your meals on dirty plates and your tea in dirty cups you need to get your finger out and do them properly.”

Take no shit. If he won’t improve do what someone else said. Look for the dirty plates and stuff and put his dinner on them, saying ‘that plates manky by the way but seeing as how you put it away you can eat from it’.

Take no shit. Be hard. He is. Let him see how it feels. Is he on the spectrum btw?

Next time something isn’t properly clean like the glass then that’s the glass he uses or the plate he uses. I’m sure he will get sick of eating off dirty plates 😊

No, he’s not on the spectrum. I think he just rushes!

I just thought he may be on the spectrum because of his lack of emotion or empathy or not picking up on social cues. He may genuinely not understand.

But he’ll bloody well understand eating off manky plates. Lazy arse. You go girl

Yikes, what did you see in this man to marry him?? He sounds selfish and mean.

DH is one of those people who never has a care in the world. I’ve never known him to feel sad or nervous, never seen him cry or even angry really.

Or maybe he just doesn't care about anything apart from himself? Do you think there's something wrong with him? He doesn't sound normal. Never sad? Never angry? That sounds like he has some issues buried deep. Or maybe he's just cold and heartless. None of these make him appealing.

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time OP. Your behaviour sounds completely normal so don't let him make you feel otherwise. I hope you're getting support from your friends but MN is also here for you.

I think DH is not something you should deal with right now. Your priority is trying to get out of this feeling of being down and sad. You can deal with DH later if you need to.
Do you have any close friend or family you can confide in, someone to encourage and support you? DH will probably come around once he actually understands you are not well but you can’t wait for him right now. You need to find a different support for a little while. Someone who is understanding, positive, caring and who is OK with you taking your time to recover.

I think DH simply doesn’t understand the concept of feeling low and to him life is black and white. It’s just the way he is. I’m sure he’ll eventually get to grips with what it means but if he’s never had experience of it himself or through someone close to him, the very idea simply doesn’t exist to him so he is being dismissive. It doesn’t mean he’s stupid or an idiot. But he’s not the one you need to talk to about it all just yet because he’s useless at it. Maybe when you get a clearer idea of how to articulate the way you feel as if you were to explain it to a 5 year old, you might make him understand and then he might be supportive. I’d try a friend first though because you need as less hassle as possible right now.

I’m sorry you have to be the one at the end of his narrow mindness, especially now when you need understanding.

If it makes you feel any better, stop using the badly washed items, just put them back for him to wash in one go. It must be really annoying but that’s probably not the reason you are sad.