Hello wise vipers - I have NC but am a real person, longstanding poster, somebody at an existential crossroad and I'd like to hear your thoughts.
I gained some fame in writing/publishing and had a career built on my professional practice as well as visiting lecturing, paid fellowships in UK, EU and USA, and several writings published in a semi-popular subject.
The uncertainty of such career, however, coupled with the intensity of the job was much damaging to my mental health and I fell into a deep depression from which I am beginning to emerge only now following months of hospitalisation, therapy and medication.
It is as if the intense, creative use of my brain that was making me such a prolific, original thinker was also poisoning me and sending me into a downward spiral of over thinking, hyperactive brain and incessant thoughts that would keep me awake for days on end. I could never switch off. I have been living for years in an adrenaline-fuelled universe of write-write-write, where I never stopped, and in which I crashed and burned. When one publicly known, even at the low level I was, there is always an element of seeing yourself to others and I wanted myself back.
After much painful self-analysis I decided that for my mental health's sake I needed to do some big changes. So I have refused new book contracts, lectures requests and paid work. I have severed academic affiliations and resigned from two international projects and a major research projection the UK. I have de facto, committed professional suicide hoping for a rebirth.
I have now found a new job using my married name to hide from my former career, a less well paid job and nowhere as prestigious as my former occupation, but a job which I hope will make me happier.
Suddenly, however, I no longer know who I am. My identity was very much connected with my profession. I was an 'expert', one of the few people who are acknowledged authorities on a topic - and I find myself starting again from zero. And moving from relative affluence to reduced financial circumstances.
I am not totally sure what I am looking for by writing this post, maybe to be the subject of the traditional AIBU "tough love" and to be told that these are first world problems and that I need to get real and stop being so self-indulgent.
Or, more positively, maybe I am hoping that somebody will be so kind to write to me that they also started again, that they fled from what they thought was their chosen path, to find another path, another life.
Thank you for reading so far, and I'd be grateful for any advice.
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To be scared of a new life
5 replies
EffervescentElephant · 18/11/2019 14:43
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