To think this is manipulative?

[Sayonarasi]

For much of my life, dparents have promised a significant house deposit. This has never been asked for and for clarity although they are well off, I never received nor asked for much financial help growing up: paid for uni myself and with loans, worked since a teenager, never learnt to drive or had a car etc. This was supposed to be a big gift, as it were, and an early inheritance - they are very well off.

Now I am in more of a position to buy, has become clear that this is pretty much on their say so. They are not prepared for me to buy certain types of property.

Aibu to find this a bit ridiculous? It has been dangled over my head for years, I have been encouraged to (and berated for not...) house hunting and yet now I find it’s really not much of a gift at all...

To be honest, I'd buy what I could afford and forget their "gift". It's not a gift if it's not given freely.

YANBU

Tell them now to their face that you will not accept any money from them full stop. Tell them that you will not be manipulated and that they can save their money for their care in their elder years.

This is my parents all over. Never got the gift! Empty promises! Just do it alone and be proud of yourself for doing it without them

Their "gift" comes with strings made of chain. Involve them in the purchase of a home and you will regret it. They will hold it over your head forever.

Thanks both. The crunch is that I live in a bloody expensive place and even though I am earning well (60k or so in late 20s), it’s not enough to get on the ladder. This isn’t a pity thread, I appreciate I’m lucky. Just that I don’t have a chance in hell without them (which they know)

What do they want you to buy?

It’s also embarrassing. They tell all and sundry about their intention to help, every conversation lately has had my mother angry/in tears because she is so desperate for me to “get on the ladder” and then ignoring me because the property she has picked is completely unsuitable. She hit me with the lovely line “I just want you to be settled before I die” today

Keto: only something that they deem appropriate...

So start speaking up. If you hear them bragging say.

"Well mum that's not true. You haven't helped at all"

She hit me with the lovely line “I just want you to be settled before I die” today

Every time she says something so ridiculous roll your eyes, say "give me a fucking break", and LEAVE. They can only control and manipulate you if you allow it. Perhaps you need to see/speak to them much less frequently.

Or tell her you're waiting for her to die so you can get the money without her being so manipulative.

Then look at her and say win win :)

Do you hate what they think is "appropriate"? is there not a middle ground to be had? I mean.. if it meant you got into a house a bit of compromise might not be a bad thing. Dont cut off your nose to spite your face. I do get why it feels crap to have something dangled in front of you with strings attached but lets be fair..its something most people wouldn't ever be offered.

Another option could be take the money, buy what they want. Save a bit more for 2 years and then sell and buy where you want with zero strings.

They will have to sign a legally binding document and send it to your solicitor stating that this is a gift and they have no expectations of having it back.

That way when you sell they have absolutely no control on your deposit.

What is it that they deem appropriate?

Essentially anything that meets their own needs! Properties far from my work, with gardens, family houses... they don’t want a “starter home” type place as they think it will probs difficult to sell when I want to. All their suggestions are wildly inappropriate, cost several years of rent in terms of stamp duty and not right at all.

I was going to suggest what contraception said... buy their idea of perfection using as big a help from them as they’re willing to give, wait 12 months then stick it on the market and buy somewhere you want. Go nc if they continue to be ridiculous at this point

The best thing you can do for yourself is just accept you will be renting longer and get saving for your own deposit. Don't be beholden to their mind games.

Theyve held it over you this long, don't think that they would stop even if you did find a house you agree on.

with gardens, family houses... they don’t want a “starter home” type place as they think it will probs difficult to sell when I want to

I’m afraid you won’t want to hear this but they are giving you very good advice.

I did what you are hoping to do ie I bought a starter home in a location suitable for a single person or couple who enjoyed socialising and wanted to be very near the city. It wasn’t a family home, there was no potential to add value. The area never increased much in value.

I used gifted money which will never be offered again and bought what suited me at the time.

I completely regret it. I went on to have children and the property was completely unsuitable. I ended up moving to a family house in an affordable area that was all I could afford. I wish I had chosen wisely the first time and bought a home that might never have been a ‘forever home’ but one I could have grown in to and more importantly in a good school catchment area which would be good for either my children or if I had moved away, would have been a big selling point.

Take the money, buy what they want you to buy, then rent it out and you rent where you want to live.

Rowena - thanks that is appreciated. Crunch is that they want me to buy with two siblings. If it were on my own it would be different

There was a similar thread started a couple of days ago, by someone who was gusting a deposit to her children as long as it was the house she wanted, and the siblings had to buy together, and each take on a £100k mortgage....

Not your DM per chance? Everyone told her she was batshit and it was unacceptable to offer DC deposit money with so many strings attached

Two siblings?

What do they want or are you the eldest and they are going to put the other two on the deeds so they can live there in the future too if they want to?

It is a tricky situation. Do you have other siblings too and it is intended they will inherit the family home?

As a parent, I can see what your parents are trying to achieve. They want you in a house you can live in long term if you need it and/or are trying to make inheritance equal for you? But the reality is one or two of you will want to sell/be bought out in the future?

Honestly I would still buy the family home having made the starter home mistake myself. I went from a starter home to a family home in an affordable location and due to catchment areas, I’m now looking at buying again and the only house I can in the right catchment is a starter home! I sincerely wish I had just bought a bigger property in a better long term location in the first place!

They want you to share ownership with your siblings??

It's patently obvious they can't afford to help you...and that they'd be better off buying an investment property and leaving that to you all to split when they die.

Think your mother’s already visited MN, and been handed her arse for being so unreasonable.

House, with garden, to be bought with siblings, and with mortgages required in addition to deposit from parents. Sound familiar, OP?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3745132-Is-DD-being-a-spoilt-brat?msgid=91662300

Yes. They have been using the same tool to manipulate you for years.
You must be exhausted.
Do what you know is best for you with regard to the house and the relationship.