DC arguing in the back of the car

[Yesanothernamechange]

For background, I've always found it really hard to process more than one person talking to me at once - I find it really, really stressful, sometimes to the point of tears. I have no idea why this is, and other people, such as DH, look at me as though I'm crazy when I say this.

I have two DC - 6 and 2. The arguing and screaming in the back of the car has reached fever pitch. We live in the middle of nowhere so it's a 30 minute journey to school, and the same to swimming lessons and many birthday parties, etc. I know they're just being normal kids, but I'm finding it so stressful and distracting that I'm worried it's dangerous. The journey home form school, in particular, can leave my blood pressure sky high, as I try to make sure I'm driving safely through the screaming and shouting. Obviously, I've tried asking nicely, multiple times, asking less nicely, and have on occasion ended up shouting back at them, which is hardly a good example to set, but I am feeling desperate and a bit scared. DH seems to think that this stress reaction is a behaviour which I am allowing to happen and that I should be able to "cure" it using CBT or something similar. He is comparing it to a fear of heights. Does anyone have any experience of feeling like this, and is it something that you can change? To me, it just feels like the way that my brain is wired, but I do need to try absolutely anything I can.

Do you give them a snack before the journey home from school? Hunger always mskes everything worse.

Agree with other posters. I swallowed my ideas of how things ‘should be’. Tablets or DVD players in the car (with age appropriate headphones if the two year old is disturbing the older one). One in the front, one in the back. The two together in the back is ok now they are older but otherwise was dangerously distracting when they were younger. If they weren’t arguing they were physically fighting or being really loud and silly which was actually worse.

A sweet every 30 minutes on longer journeys.

Noise cancelling earphone?

Crikey, who is the boss in this relationship?

OP you need to stop the car next time they bicker, get them out and make them walk if they cannot behave.

Preferably in the rain.

Preferably when they are on their way to a nice treat.

I'd do it tonight, tell them that you will take them [somewhere] for ice cream but the new rule is no bickering in the car now that they are older. The first time they do it, tell them that is their final warning, the second time; do it. Park up somewhere and start walking them home. Even if you have to go out later and pick the car up.

You need to take back control here.

I also struggle with noise while I'm driving or trying to concentrate on something. For me it's to do with sensory overload. I can cope with one thing, but add too much outside noise to that and I find it really overwhelming and get incredibly stressed.

Could the DC who wants stories, have an audio book playing on a phone or old iPad? The other can then listen to music or the radio while you drive. I think in situations like this, electronics definitely have their place - especially if it means you can drive safely.

Mine are older but still fight, well 11yr old DD starts fights . Pulling over never made any difference.
She is now in the front with me so her brother is safe in the back.

Tablets or DVD players in the car.

Alternatively, playing classical music seems to help. I don't own any but I tune the car radio to Classic FM. Not sure it will work for everyone, but it's easy and free so it's worth a try. Seems to make mine stop arguing.

I have misophonia and competing conversations or noises are a huge trigger for me so I understand how you feel OP!

I find putting a large box of duplo/lego between the two of my kids keeps them quiet. That and coming down on them like a ton of bricks if they don't cut it out when told to. Yesterday had a 2 hour drive home from MIL, ended up confiscating two soft toys before they finally stopped shrieking in the back. You'll get there. Consequences.

I don't trust ipads and dvd players in the back, too much potential for injury if you need to emergency break. That and you're royally screwing yourself over for any car ride where you won't have said devices for any reason - holidays abroad etc.

I have been known to pull over and refuse to start the car again until the noise stopped.

I just came to say that I also have a big problem with lots of people talking at once, and also lots of different noises all at once, I cannot have the TV on, people talking and say, noise from ipads, it fries my brain! No one understands me.
I think you need something to occupy them in the car, an old phone with cbeebies apps on or something?

Mine were/are like that and they’re much older now. If you have two kids you can get an inflatable divider for the back seat. Weighing up the safety I made the decision one on the front and quiet was safer for us (my son was very difficult and has adhd and mornings were meltdown time.

Other things: play really knock’em dead music loudly. ‘Perfect Day’, ’Space Oddity’ ‘Absolute Beginners’ We are Sailing’ ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ ‘we will rock Your, ‘Don’t stop Me Now’, ‘We are the Champions’ all worked ;-)

Also I survived a ten hour solo drive with them once solely by the dulcet tones of Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter.

Here’s the seat divider:
www.amazon.co.uk/Jet-Creations-Inflatable-Backseat-Divider/dp/B07DP8FN6Z/ref=asc_df_B07DP8FN6Z/?hvlocphy=1006886&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=310809312674&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos=1o1&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-592549377564&hvrand=9014318180211236150

Give your 6 year old noise cancelling headphones, with her own music or stories through them and have her sit at the front.
2 yr old in the back with baby songs etc

I can barely tolerate screeching of 1 DC in the car never mind 2!

I've put some of my favourite music on and turned it up loud before now, if unable to stop the car. Feels mean to drown out the noise rather than interact but it drives me utterly crazy.

Not everyone is as bothered by noise while driving, DH doesn't see the issue.

Park up safely , make them walk home . Then walk back to the car . (Maybe take a small buggy for the 2yo but yes , they can walk some of the way)
They'll do it once .

Seriously if your DC are this bad in the car you are jepodising other car drivers and pedestrians . Remember some of those may have hearing or visual impairment , you are looking out for them too.

Don't give them anything they can throw (there's another thread on here about DC in cars)

Thank you so much, Cat. I was desperately trying to search for this kind of thing and was convinced that someone must be selling them somewhere. I have just ordered it. And thanks also for all the other suggestions - very much appreciated.

Personally i would resort to individual tablets or iPads with headphones in that situation

I have a teen and a 6 year old. I have to take little one on the 45 to 50 minute round trip to teens school once a week, luckily i can juggle the other mornings with dh this year although I had to do it more often last year.

Teen struggles with noise in the mornings and I like her to have a smooth start to the day, plus car trips are sometimes the only chance I get to speak to her!! So little dd can do whatever she wants on her iPad with headphones during the journey!!