AIBU to ask how I can be diplomatic with DP

[Givemewineandlotsofit]

So, I have been with my DP for over a year, we have a good relationship, we can be honest with each other and take on board what each other says, or we can completely disagree with each other and all is good.....Apart from when we talk about his kids. He has 2 kids, 6 and 10, 50/50 contact and his oldest completely dominates the day, to the point where it puts me off wanting to spend time with them, it can be anything, if we go left he will want to go right, , if we all want Mcdonalds for tea he will want a KFC, We will still have a McDonalds, but he will bitch and moan the whole time we are in there and he will take forever chosen what he wants, then pick something he knows he wont be allowed, which will then cause a row. Today, for example, we all went out in the car (I have a DS too) so that would be 3 kids in the back of the car, he moaned because he didn't want to sit in the middle, so DP asked his youngest to swap with him because he "couldn't do with hassle" then when the time came to get out the car, eldest wouldn't get out to let the others out (DP had parked next to a post so couldn't open other door) and made everyone wait till he was ready,We then went into Curry's, (Which he constantly moaned about because he didn't want to be in there,) then when it was time to leave he stood looking at the TV's like it was the first time he saw them, he kept saying "wait...wait, this TV is amazing" DP asked him to get a move on and we went outside with my DS and DP youngest, he was ages, like at least another 10 minutes, the whole time DP kept telling him to get out, The more DP told him to move the longer he was, its almost like he enjoys being awkward,In the end DP went back in and pulled him out, which caused a scene, Eldest then moaned about how he isn't allowed to do anything and DP embarrassed him by making a scene ( I was embarrassed) and that if he wants to look at something he should be allowed to! He and DP are always moaning at each other, and the other always has to get the last word in and it is doing my head in. It can literally be anything, whatever we do, he will always want to do the opposite, The bickering and constant moaning about whatever we do is really starting to put doubts in my mind about the relationship. AIBU to ask for advice on how to broach this?

Does DP think that there is a problem? And, if so, how does he propose that you get round it?

I have a very similar attitude from my 11 year old at the moment. No advice but pre teens can really suck

Your DP needs to take a much firmer stand and not let the 10 year old dictate what happens.

I can't believe he took 10 minutes to remove the child from the store. He'll eat what he's given or starve.

Your DH really has to grow a pair. Maybe you and your DS and the younger DSS can do something next weekend and elder DSS can stay home and do nothing.

It sounds like DP is trying to handle him, it's not le he doesn't think his on is being a PITA. If I were him and you tried to have words with me about my son I'd get defensive, I know he's being challenging and I'm doing my best!

its almost like he enjoys being awkward
^ Yeah he does in a way. He’s getting attention for it.

You and your DP need to find a way to build him up positively. Lots and lots of praise and attention for positive things, however small, all the time.

Fake it til you make it. Even when he’s not doing them right at that moment eg ‘you’re such a good big brother.’ ‘You’re so good at minecraft, have you put any minecraft things on your Christmas list?’ ‘Come and set out the drinks glasses, I know I can always trust you to be careful.’

These positive words will slowly sink in and he’ll start believing them too.

He's doing it deliberately to be awkward and upset people. Maybe it's for the attention? In fact, I'm sure it is! He's got problems. If he was mine, I'd be taking him him to a child psychologist to see what's wrong and what needs to be done to sort it out. Has anyone spoken to his DM about it?

Attention

Just state what’s happening, ignore all moaning and carry on

Tell him he’s welcome to get dropped back home and you’ll all carry on having fun without him and the whinging

I agree with all you've said, I do think he has issues, I also think DP needs to step up more, but, How can I say all this? As a pp said, if someone was getting at me about my kids, I would get defensive too, its only natural. I have said a few bits before, DP will either agree with it and say things need to change but things never get done and things never change, or, he makes excuses as to why eldest is like it. Maybe I should stay out of it, not my kids, not my problem?

You and dp have to be heard united on this. He doesn’t want the drama/moaning so the lad needs to be told what’s happening and if he moans it won’t make any difference, if he deliberately drags menu ordering out, a happy meal will be ordered for him, if he continues to moan he goes home and you’ll all carry on having fun together without the moaning.

Then implement it. Ignore the bad, don’t rise to it, carry on with your plans and if need be drop him back home, no anger, no raised voices, all calm and matter of fact

If he goes along with plans, reward him with praise and thanks etc.

Teach him that not all attention is good attention and that he should only seek attention through good behaviour and being helpful and kind.

Kids need and like structure- if his mother has different rules, so what, that’s her lookout.

We had similar with oh dc. Any hint of bratty behaviour, lack of manners, rudeness dc was reminded that this isn’t how it works in our household and that she’s treated with kindness, equality and respect. We expect nothing less in return.

Ultimately we lost the battle, the dc mother has broken contact between dc and oh for a good year, and dc now has no manners, is a complete drama addict, literally has to have every conversation about them, plays at being completely hopeless and helpless so that nobody can do anything except help dc. Exhausting and saps every vestige of joy/peace from our family unit. Imagine a Dementor as a houseguest and that’s fairly close.

It’s going to be a very long haul, oh dc is a teen, it may never get resolved, dc may end up staying like this... after all the mother is like this and worse.. :( so I think if you nip this in the bud now, you’ll see the results.

Consistent communication from both of you, management of expectations and no drama permitted and I think you’ll see results