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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry about my mums drinking

9 replies

wishywashy27 · 17/11/2019 16:55

I have a very close relationship with my mum. Growing up my dad wasn't on the scene and she raised me alone. She made a lot of sacrifices for me, was a great mum and we extremely close and talk everyday. But I am worried about her drinking.

She has always drank. I remember her being drunk on several occasions when I was a child. As I got older we occasionally drank together at family meals or in the pub. But her drinking seems to have increased and I believe she drinks pretty much daily at home. She's an adult and it's not my business in one respect. But it's impacting our relationship because she isn't a particularly pleasant drunk. She picks fights and makes digs. She is irritating and I find it hard to talk to her when I can hear that slur in her voice. I can tell straight away if she's had a drink just by looking at her or talking to her. The other day I had some really important news and when I rang I picked up that slur in her voice and just couldn't be bothered to talk to her.

Then of course there are the health implications.

There have been occasions that I know she's drank while looking after my dc. I'm not saying she's been drunk or incapable of being responsible for them but I just wonder why? Why is it so important to have a drink in the day when your grandkids are there?

She goes to work, cooks, cleans, helps me with childcare and does everything she needs to do. I guess the term is functioning alcoholic. To say we are incredibly close this is one thing I just can't talk to her about. I've tried and she becomes defensive. How can I try and help or make her see the consequences of her actions? She lost her own mum last year at the age of 85 and I worry that I won't be lucky enough to have her around that long if she carries on like this.

Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
MLMsuperfan · 17/11/2019 17:00

I would challenge her about drinking while looking after your kids. I would say what you saw, how it made you feel, and ask her not to do it again. How she reacted to that would determine if I left my kids with her again.

Confusedbeetle · 17/11/2019 17:02

I dont think you can make her address this. She will only do it when she is ready. The most you can do is to gently say you are concerned when she is sober. Leave her this website if she is not too cross with you. Tell her you will support her if there are things in her getting her down
www.alcoholexperiment.com
Then leave her alone. Annie Grace is a great support, encourages people to take a break and then decide what they want to do. Nothing like AA, no labels, meetings, just lots of help and info.

wishywashy27 · 17/11/2019 17:10

I don't worry for my kids safety or anything like that. She is not incapable or unsafe with them even after a drink. She's just a bit sloppy in the way that she talks and behaves. I really don't think she thinks she has a problem. To be honest we are a family of drinkers but I've recently cut down a lot because I became aware of the health issues associated with the amount I was drinking. She doesn't respond well to being challenged about her drinking and a lot of her social life with friends and her partner revolve around a pub. I just don't want her to be ok.

OP posts:
HostessTrolley · 17/11/2019 17:22

This sounds like my mum. Just couldn’t talk to her about it, she’s get defensive, or change the subject, or make me feel like a killjoy. I couldn’t get her to see sense or to seek help. She died of liver disease at 63. I miss her every day and it’s such a waste. I just wanted to send you a hug xxx

wishywashy27 · 17/11/2019 17:40

@HostessTrolley thank you and I'm very sorry to hear that. It's my biggest fear because my mum is my rock and I can't imagine life without her. But she won't listen or change. And I can't seem to find the right way to approach it with her. I just end up cutting conversations short cos I'm so frustrated with her.

Obvs a typo in my last post - just want her to be ok**

OP posts:
HostessTrolley · 17/11/2019 17:50

My mum died the same weekend that my daughter was discharged from a 5 month inpatient admission for anorexia, it was a difficult time.

I tried every which way, as did my siblings. She would admit towards the end that she was no longer enjoying drinking but didn’t feel normal without it, but perversely wouldn’t admit she had a problem - probably because if she’d done that, then the next logical step would be to seek or accept help. I phoned her GP, who wouldn’t speak to me or follow up because of confidentiality. I phoned social services in her area (I live away from where I grew up), they couldn’t help unless she said she wanted them to, which she wouldn’t. Other family members locally just cut her out because they were embarrassed. There isn’t a way forward without her recognising there’s a problem and wanting to change. It’s just so bloody hard to watch and I’m sorry I can’t be more positive, hopefully someone will come along with a happier story xxx

PS daughter is in recovery and is now at med school and loving life xxx

WillLokireturn · 17/11/2019 17:51

Write her a little card. That says "Mum I love you, you are drinking a lot and it worries me. I know you think it's all fine, but sometimes you say things when drunk that I know you can't mean nor know how hurtful they are. I will always love you but can you think about this? Love wishywashy"

Elieza · 17/11/2019 17:54

There is nothing you can do or say that will change her.

With mine even doctors advice, including one in the hospital when she was admitted due to drink, was also ignored “I’m fine what do they know” although I think she got a fright with the hospital stay, mostly because she couldn’t smoke, and I think that’s what scared her to drink slightly less. She also drunk drove and crashed the car. That was an eye opener due to cost.

If she drives to pick your dc up from school I’d be worried. If not and she’s a functioning alcoholic she probably is in automatic pilot and does what she needs to do. I wouldn’t be happy at her having dc while in drink but if you don’t have any other options what can you do?

I doubt she will change. In my experience adults dont much listen to their kids lecturing them anyway, let alone an alcoholic adult.

Justhavingacry · 17/11/2019 21:02

We have a bit of a thing here called Dry July.
I'm not sure if its a worldwide thing, but essentially its a fundraiser with the basis of being alcohol free for the month of July.

I do it with some family members each year without the fundraising aspect - just to check in on our drinking levels and for health reasons, I've found its easier when there's a group doing it.
Could you pose it as a group/family challenge?

My mother and stepfather are frequent&heavy (mean, nasty, messy, abusive) drinkers, they know full well what they are like and they minimize it every time someone brings it up - they laugh it off like its a funny joke.
I've been clear that I wont visit if they're drinking to that point and stuck by it.
"not if you're drinking, its a 3 hour drive each way, I'm not going to drive all morning just to be abused and then drive home in tears again"

Its their choice and they don't often choose me - but I knew that was a possibility in this situation.

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