Is this reasonable newborn/child contact?

[GirlOnIt]

Haven’t spoken to ex as yet but wanted to gage if I was being fair/reasonable with what I’m offering.
We have one Dc who he sees one or two nights a week after work for a hour or two and then brings him home and one night/day at the weekend. We’ve now got a newborn Dc and he’s stayed her for a few days since the birth. He’s been good to be fair to him, but long term I want him in the house as little as possible.
We’ve tried more relaxed contact before with Ds and tried being friends, but we (he) can’t manage it.

I’m proposing, we carry on with contact in place already for Ds. When he returns him midweek he can see the baby for a hour, same on weekends he can see her when he picks up and drops off. It will mean he’s only seeing the youngest 3/4 hours a week and that doesn’t seem much. I’m breastfeeding and honestly even if I wasn’t I’m not ready to be away from her yet. But we will of course build on his time with her as she gets older.

Yes: I’m being reasonable under the circumstances.

No: I’m being unreasonable and a few hours a week isn’t enough contact for him to build a relationship with his child.

I think I would be utterly devastated to have 3 hours a week with my new baby.

Far too little contact to build up a relationship with a newborn.

Too little contact. He is her parent too, imagine how you would feel if you were in his position. You could express.

Little and often is what is recommended for very small ones, I think this sounds fine

Little and often is recommended, 3 hours is too little I think.

Does he make contact time difficult, as in is he rude/aggressive etc?

ExDP and I split when youngest was 6 weeks old. He popped by every night after work for an hour or two depending what time he finished every day, for quite a while. Unless she needed feeding (breastfed) I took myself elsewhere in the house to nap/shower/play with our toddler.

I will express and introduce a bottle once breastfeeding is well established @Strugglingmum73. Ds was around very six weeks when I started to express and imagine I’ll do the same this time. Ds still breast feeds before bed and in the morning when he’s with me and with feeding a newborn as well, I honestly don’t have the time to be thinking about expressing just yet.

I breastfeed so I can see how her being away from you isn’t possible but I can understand him wanting to see her more

He has done @HigherFurtherFasterBaby. I think if we did that, he’d just want to come here every night and not take Ds. Then he’ll end up doing Ds’s bath/bed time and then staying when he’s gone to bed and then not wanting to leave.........
We tried that way with Ds.

Little and often is best for little babies - can he just pop round for an hour every day/every other day? Would give you a break as well to have a little nap or take a shower in peace.

Crosspost - it would need to be made very clearly that it's only for a set time and if he can't comply with that then back to original plan?

I might try that @Natsku. I don't feel comfortable with him here though I feel I get more of a break when he's not here really. And although he's been staying here, he's been dealing with Ds not the baby really, which I'm guessing would be normal even if we were together. I'm thinking even if he's here every night how much will he do with the baby, if she's needing feeding he's going to end up just sitting there watching me feed her.

I think my answer depends on why you split and why you aren't comfortable with him in the house. If just general ex awkwardness then I would put up with him being around for a few more hours a week than that.

He was controlling @hammeringinmyhead. But I equally feel like I can stand up to him and call him out on his shit! I just don't want to have to do that (again and again).

He's good with Ds but has got better as he's got a bit older so I'm not sure Dd would be missing out on much...

Maybe I'm better offering him two midweek nights as he does now, but letting him come here straight from work rather than taking ds for a bit. Then he gets a few hours each day. He should be able to take the baby out for a few hours Saturday morning, just for a walk or to his mums or something, so he'd be getting around 7/8 hours is a week.

That might mess up the routine we have with Ds a bit but hopefully once Dd is happy taking a bottle of expressed milk he can start taking them both for a few hours a few times a week (although I'm not sure how he'll cope with that ).