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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He stood me up because of a depression episode

23 replies

HavanaLove · 17/11/2019 00:46

Hi all,
Been with my bf for 6 months. He is great in every way (kind, loyal, generous and incredibly attentive) but he has fairly low self esteem (thinks I’m out of his league)?and he’s got a very stressful job abroad.

He’d been crying all morning and unable to get out of his bed even though he planned to see me and had been craving it all week (he was working away for the last week).

He kept pushing our meet up time by an hour later progressively as he was really struggling to stop crying, get dressed and get out of his house but kept insisting he wanted to see me but didn’t want me to see him in this state in case I dump him.

He said he’s definitely getting the train to me at 6pm and to pick him up when it gets to my station. He usually updates me when he’s on the train but he didn’t so I texted him and got no reply. I wanted to wait for his confirmation he’s on the train before I go to pick him up. He never responded and tried calling 6 times in the last 5 hours but no response.

I feel both annoyed and worried. Not great when someone says they’re very depressed and then go AWOL for a planned date (makes me think of the worst...) and also annoyed that I’ve spent my whole day just waiting for him to turn up.

I’ve suffered from very high depression but can’t help thinking depression is one of the most self centred illnesses.. like it takes a second to tell someone you won’t be able to make it (instead I go through 7 hours of not knowing if he’s even alive). I had tried to cancel/postpone but he kept insisting he wanted to see me.

How would you feel about this? I’m in two minds at the moment.

OP posts:

Fuzzywig · 17/11/2019 00:51

I’ve had a similar relationship recently except he postpones then cancels last moment blaming his daughter (she didn’t want to go).

We are no longer together but have, so far, remained friends.

Is there no way you could have visited him?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/11/2019 00:52

I'd be really worried about him and trying to get him some help.

PurpleFrames · 17/11/2019 00:54

Yes it was rude to not just say sorry I can't make it.

But clearly if he's struggling such that he can't get out of bed he needs to focus on himself. And not a relationship with someone who clearly despite saying they do, doesn't understand depression.

You really expected him to get up, dressed, washed, travel to station, get train, meet you, entertain you, return journey, change, bed...?

When you are in that state you can sometimes not even physically move. Personal experience- and depression is not selfish whatsoever.

MsPotterPepper · 17/11/2019 00:54

I'd be worried.
I've had depression so bad it took me 5 hours to gather the energy go take a piss so I wouldn't judge his actions by your experience of "high depression".

Whatsnewpussyhat · 17/11/2019 00:55

Honestly, cut your losses. It's only been 6 months, don't make this your entire future.

pigeononthegate · 17/11/2019 00:57

I also suffer from severe depression periodically and my heart goes out to your boyfriend, I have been where he is many times and have inevitably lost friends and relationships because I just couldn't do the things that normal people require of one another.

The thing is, you matter too, and you have every right to decide this purely in terms of what is best for you and your wellbeing. Either you are in a position to be in a relationship with someone where depression is going to be a factor - and this will probably be long-term, and you will be let down, disappointed, have your own needs compromised sometimes - or you are not. Is the relationship worth it to you? There is no shame in admitting that it isn't, and it's not selfish. If it IS worth it, then I would suggest that when he is feeling stronger, the two of you do some frank talking about what you can and cannot offer in terms of support and tolerance, how the two of you are going to negotiate these periods of depression moving forward.

I don't blame the friends who have called time on me because of my depression and I wouldn't blame you for doing so here. Only you know what the right answer is.

Crazycrazylady · 17/11/2019 10:49

Honestly. So early in a relationship I'd cut my losses here and move on.it shouldn't. R this hard at the start.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/11/2019 10:52

Run for the hills.

WhineUp · 17/11/2019 10:55

Run girl, run, and don't look back.
As horrible as depression is, you shouldn't have this to contend with so early in a relationship. A relationship has to work for YOU.

CatUnderTheStairs · 17/11/2019 10:58

Yeah dealing with partner’s depression when you’ve been together years is one thing....

It’s hard work, emotionally draining and I’d make sure he’s got some support and walk away.

Orangecake123 · 17/11/2019 10:59

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression and can go through severe episodes. When I'm at my worst everything is X10 harder. I have no showed to a birthday party and other events because I need the down time.

He should have told you earlier he wouldn't be able to make it.

Supporting someone with a mental illness is hard and even if he was in treatment and on medication there would still be a high chance of his episodes returning.

DeeCeeCherry · 17/11/2019 11:03

Well he wasn't too depressed to get himself into a relationship was he? 🙄. Unless you have some kind of saviour syndrome and want your own mental and emotional wellbeing zapped, you should be getting rid of this man immediately. Just 6 months - you're still in the 'honeymoon period' so to speak. Too much stress and hassle. Call or text to give him details of services which may help him and then leave him to it. Beware of becoming his "offload".

bridgetreilly · 17/11/2019 11:24

Wow. Some of the least helpful responses on MN here.

He has depression. Which makes doing the smallest things feel like climbing Mount Everest some days. I would literally lie in bed for hours unable to decide whether to get dressed or eat breakfast first. That is not normal, but it is depression. He'll have been doing everything he could to persuade himself to get out and go to see you - that's why he didn't text to say he wasn't coming. And then probably ashamed at having stood you up.

OP, if you want to be in a relationship with him, you need to start understanding. Is he on medication? Has he been referred for counselling? Even with all of that, there may still be days where life is just too hard. That's not him being an arse, it's because of his illness. If you can't deal with that, walk away now, because it's not fair on him.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/11/2019 15:23

Well he wasn't too depressed to get himself into a relationship was he?

What a horrible, uneducated thing to say.

WagtailRobin · 17/11/2019 15:31

It's a difficult situation, one that isn't fair on either on you.

He clearly needs help but are you the person to help him? I don't think so. It's important to support our nearest and dearest, of course it is but you can't live your life to be an emotional crutch for those around you, it will only drain you too.

I have a friend with serious depression and for a long time I went out of my way to offer support but in the end it became too much because everything I did was met with resistance. That's the illness, not the person but it's still hard to cope with and left me feeling resentful.

Depression is a horrible illness and I feel for your boyfriend but equally I feel for you, do you really want to spend the next 40 years of your life living with uncertainty, constant ups and downs caring for someone with a history of depression?

He needs to find help and you need to consider what to do going forward; Good Luck to you both!

DeeCeeCherry · 17/11/2019 19:41

What a horrible, uneducated thing to say

Speak for yourself.

Plenty of women out there with experience of depressed men, mostly self-diagnosed and haven't sought help, who perpetuate 'last in 1st out' regarding relationships they pursue - ie suddenly its 'I'm depressed' then they visit sorrow and confusion upon a woman who's falling for them.

They don't present as depressed, they present as what they feel will attract her.

Try educating yourself about real life. It's not a fairytale out there.

Either way, there's nothing wrong with self-preservation in these cases.

Women don't always have to be The Help.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 17/11/2019 20:22

So because he has depression it's ok to play with other peoples feelings. It's not. He should be upfront. It's a bad day. I wont be meeting you. He's either not ready for a relationship or this whole thing was staged for a reaction.

Candle1000 · 17/11/2019 20:27

Is he being treated for depression? Has he sought help? If not encourage him to do so and then split up. Remain friends by all means if it’s possible but it won’t be easy to maintain a romantic relationship imo.

Celebelly · 17/11/2019 20:29

I'd be a bit worried about the 'out of his league' thing he is fretting about. This happened to a couple I know, where the bloke became obsessed that his girlfriend was out of his league and that other men were going to steal her away/she was going to cheat on him. He ended up driving her away because he got so controlling over it all (and then of course in his head that justified what he'd been saying the whole time...) Make sure it doesn't cross the line from low self-esteem into something more.

And I agree that crippling depression of this level for a new partner is a lot to be taking on. I fully sympathise (I'm not sure I say empathise as I don't think I can having not had that level of depression myself) with him as it must be awful, but it's a lot to ask someone to take on so early in a relationship. He might be better off taking some time to work on himself and for his own mental health. It sounds a bit heartless to say 'get out now' but honestly that was my first reaction as I've seen how badly crippling mental illness can bring other people down with it. It's one thing when it's your partner of many years or a parent or close friend, but a relatively new relationship isn't quite the same.

DonKeyshot · 17/11/2019 20:41

Depression is not an excuse for bad manners and it's rude and grossly unfair of him to keep you dangling for hours in the hope that he'll get his act together.

You're not out of his league, but he's out of yours. End this brief liaison before it becomes your life to sit and wait on him.

isadoradancing123 · 17/11/2019 20:51

Run run, why would you need this hassle and worry

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 17/11/2019 21:13

@DeeCeeCherry I will speak for myself.

You're right, there are situations like that but there are also situations that aren't like that.

virginpinkmartini · 17/11/2019 21:31

More hassle than it's worth. Harsh, but at the end of the day you have the opportunity to exercise self preservation, and not to take on this emotional baggage. Take it. It would be a different story if you were in an established relationship/ had deep rooted feelings for him and these issues have transpired over time and you want to work with him through it, but it's early days. And you are not personally responsibility nor should you feel like you have to take on his problems. You don't owe him loyalty at this early stage. Find someone who will enrich your life, not siphon energy from the get-go.

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