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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be hurt by this? DH fight.

44 replies

Habeebah · 16/11/2019 22:24

I’m really upset. Last week DH and I had an argument - when we get really heated we can both say things we don’t mean (although we argue rarely) but in this argument he said to me “the women I was supposed to marry died” - now I know when he was in school over 10 years ago he had a girlfriend who died and we had spoken about her before we married when we were just friends and he had said that she died, but from how he had spoken about her I thought of it as a kids relantionship and it never crossed my mind.

But now he suddenly brings it from nowhere. I always assumed I was his first love and his first everything ... AIBU to be hurt by this?

We spoke about it again tonight because it’s been on my mind all week and he has brushed it off as if it’s nothing and that I am being dramatic. But honestly it’s really disturbing me and I am really hurt, AIBU???

OP posts:

MLMsuperfan · 17/11/2019 02:36

Try to avoid these kinds of arguments. Don't do damage that needs to be healed.

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 17/11/2019 04:38

YANBU to be hurt, but i think he was being a massive drama queen and pulled this out the bag to 'win' the argument. I'd have one hell of a sulk on me in your position but am too insecure for relationships.

Phrowzunn · 17/11/2019 05:17

I agree with PPs that saying mean, disrespectful things designed to hurt one another in an argument is neither normal, nor healthy. How horrible. You can disagree with one another and ‘have it out’ without resorting to being nasty to one another. That, to me, does not say ‘happily married’ at all. I would be devastated if DH said something so cruel to me, especially if untrue. I think you both really need to take a hard look at yourselves and I hope you don’t ever behave like that in front of your children and teach them that that’s what love looks like / what they should aim for in marriage. Very damaging.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 17/11/2019 05:24

He said it to hurt you, which is what you clearly both do in arguments.

When people die, especially young people, we do only remember the good bits. He will remember her as a young, beautiful, fun woman who he smiled a lot with.

He married you and had children with you. You don't need to try and compete with a dead woman.
What you do need to do is learn to be nicer to one another.

NearlyGranny · 17/11/2019 07:20

If saying hurtful and vindictive things to each other when you argue is normal to you, you could benefit from some counselling and guidance on fair rules of conduct!

My DH used to say some truly horrible things in anger and then - very unreasonably - expect me to magically know which ones he actually meant and which he didn't. That's against the rules of a loving, equal, respectful relationship!

I had to spell it out to him: if you don't mean it and don't want me to act on it; don't say it. Say what you mean; mean what you say. He got it in the end. He initially called it controlling of me, but I said, "No, I don't want to control you; I want YOU to control you. What I will be in control of is what I will stay and listen to, and how I will act on what you tell me.

Love means making yourself vulnerable and open to the other person. If they abuse your vulnerability by deliberately using what they know to hurt you, that isn't love.

Countryescape · 17/11/2019 07:30

I think that’s a disgusting comment designed to be hurtful. I’d struggle to get past it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/11/2019 08:04

The relationship sounds unhealthy with the heated arguments and attempts to hurt each other. Maybe you both need to seek help to communicate to break this.

As a child it’s awful listening to rows. You are both the main role models in their lives so set the examples for them.

aHintOfPercy · 17/11/2019 08:15

I always find Mumsnet to be a bit of a window to another world, and this is another example, for me.I don't think purposely saying things that are verydeliberatelydesignedto behurtful to someone you love, is normal. My thoughts exactly. It's not normal and should never be seen as such.

MsRomanoff · 17/11/2019 08:21

If you both say things to deliberately hurt eachother, I don't understand why you think this is so much worse than everything else you said.

You know that you both say things you dint mean.

This sort of behaviour usually escalates. The things said get worse and worse a d worse, until someone says something that cant be forgotten.

I dont think its healthy at all. In any situation.

diddl · 17/11/2019 08:45

What sort of things do you say to him?

I can't understand being deliberately nasty to the person I love.

But I guess when you dish it out, you also need to be able to take it?

MeTheCoolOne · 17/11/2019 08:51

I don't think purposely saying things that are very deliberately designed to be hurtful to someone you love, is normal

I don't think it's ever ok to try and deliberately hurt a loved one either. My husband and I will occasionally argue but we would never deliberately hurt one another.

Bloodyinsomnia123 · 17/11/2019 09:16

"I don't think purposely saying things that are very deliberately designed to be hurtful to someone you love, is normal."

I agree with this. There's a difference between something nasty you don't mean slipping out in the heat of the moment as an exception to the rule, and a conflict-style where you know someone's weak points and intentionally say the most harmful thing possible whenever there's a disagreement between you. The latter is toxic. It always amazes me how many Mumsnetters think it's ok to aim to destroy someone you claim to love if you're rowing with them. Some people on here will excuse any cruelty if it's said in anger (or when drunk). Calling your wife a fat cunt, calling her a slag, threatening to destroy her mental health in order to deny her access to the kids - all normal arguing, according to some people. I'm just glad I'm not married to them.

Bloodyinsomnia123 · 17/11/2019 09:17

For the avoidance of doubt, if the OP and her partner both do it, they both need to bloody stop.

Rainbowshine · 17/11/2019 09:25

@Habeebah do you think you both need to find a better way of articulating your feelings instead of the hurtful comments in heated rows? Are you both thinking it needs to change? What about couples counselling? It might offer you a different way of saying things to each other but in a calmer and rational way. Even if you’re not arguing in front of the children they will be picking up on the atmosphere between the two of you. You need to do something different for everyone’s sakes.

GnomeDePlume · 17/11/2019 09:27

I grew up in a household where hurtful things were said between my parents and to us DCs. DH didnt, his parents never argued where DH & his DBs could see or hear. In fact he doesnt know if his parents ever had a fight.

As a result this is not how we disagree. I can honestly say we have never had a fight in 28 years of marriage. This doesnt mean we havent argued or disagreed but we have never 'let rip'. Things said can never be unsaid. You never know which is going to be the thing which breaks the relationship.

As a PP said - walk away. Recognise that you dont have to try to win the shouting match. Maybe now is the time to sit down with your DH and have that conversation.

How you fight is how you are teaching your DCs to fight. We have never allowed ours to fight physically or verbally. Disagree, argue of course but the second that voices start to get raised then we knew it was time to intervene.

egontoste · 17/11/2019 09:41

My mum's boyfriend was in the RAF and was killed, she went on to meet and marry my dad and have a family. She did sometimes mention it, and I'm sure she did wonder how her life would have turned out if the bf hadn't died and she'd married him instead of my dad.

People do go on to form a happy relationship with someone else after their partner has died. It's inescapable really, so don't give him a hard time over it and try to put it to the back of your mind.

RedSheep73 · 17/11/2019 10:01

Do people say things they really don't mean in a row? it's more my experience that when they are angry they say things they really do mean but are usually too polite to say...

Original poster

Habeebah · 17/11/2019 11:11

I didn’t create this thread so you can all pass judgement on my marriage.

We argue once or twice a year like this so I really don’t think our argue style is something to be concerned about, we usually communicate in a very healthy mature way and we DO have a very happy healthy marriage and NEVER argue around our children or have hostility in our household which is WHY his comment really confused and upset me.

Anyway it’s over now i trust it was a heat of the moment comment and he reassured me this morning by telling me he didn’t mean a word he said and that he doesn’t even remember what she looks like and they were never intimate they were like 14/15 years old. I think he just threw that because it’s the only previous relantionship he’s had to be honest!

Anyway hope you all have a nice day!

OP posts:

MeTheCoolOne · 17/11/2019 14:08

TBH that sounds even weirder ....

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