Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would do if you were me?

29 replies

HeyAssbutt · 16/11/2019 22:04

Ok so bit of backstory. I'm 30, have dd(4), have been single since she was 3 months old. I've been working in childcare for 12 years. Now I've hit 30 I feel like I could take the next few years of my life one of two ways. I could go to uni next year to do bachelors degree in primary education. I've been to an open day and done lots of research and it's definitely doable. However, I also want another baby. I've been on lots of dates over the past 4 years and none have gone past about a month in. So I think I would like to save to go to a clinic for a sperm donor. Realistically it'll take me about 2 years to save as I work part time. My instinct says to save for a sperm donor now as I could do teaching later in my life but obviously it'll be more difficult to get pregnant the longer I wait.

So, if you were me, what would you honestly do? Any advice/experiences much appreciated

OP posts:
Shooturlocalmethdealer · 16/11/2019 22:08

I cant give advice on this. I will tell you what I would do. I'd go to college. You and DD can have a better life.
I wouldnt go into a pregnancy being single intentionally.. No matter how acceptable it is.
Best wishes whatever you decide.

Ponoka7 · 16/11/2019 22:10

I went back to do SW at 42.

My advice is to do education as soon as you can. Study, being surrounded by younger students and motivation gets harder as you get older.

If you don't mind giving up on the idea on teaching then go with having a baby first.

But going through university, placements, nights out, may mean that you will meet someone.

Summercamping · 16/11/2019 22:10

I would consider long and hard which I would regret more - not becoming a teacher, or not having a second child. Whichever you do first, may prevent the second happening at all. Not inevitably, you may well do both, and good luck to you.

Ponoka7 · 16/11/2019 22:11

BTW, I became a LP of three (widowed) and you can do it alone.

RedLipstickHighHeels · 16/11/2019 22:12

Study yes,it’s sensible sets up a career,earning potential,stability for yiu and dd
Some whimsy notion about having a baby,because you want to. Sorry it’s daft. Irresponsible and ill thought out

geeraf · 16/11/2019 22:13

You've looked at studying as your life is now, but you don't know how it will be exactly with another DC in your life. The next one could be a difficult baby/toddler, and could you study then in the same way you can now?

I definitely think study/qualify first, you know what you're getting in to at the moment and know you can cope.

satanstoenailsandwich · 16/11/2019 22:15

It'll be much more difficult to study with another child. But it won't be more difficult to have another child because you've spent some time studying. Do the degree first.

notnowmaybelater · 16/11/2019 22:21

Stud and do your NQT year first, you'll still only be 34 and might well meet someone while at uni - the best way to meet the right partner is not to be looking for a partner whilst being very busy in a way that involves being with and getting to know loads of new people of both sexes.

Working in childcare you probably meet very few single men in an unpressured, non dating context. That'll be very different at university.

Original poster
HeyAssbutt · 16/11/2019 22:22

Having another baby isn't something I've decided on a whim and it isn't I'll thought out at all. I've wanted this for a long time and ideally I'd like to be with someone I love but it hasn't happened for me.

Thank you everyone for the advice

OP posts:
notnowmaybelater · 16/11/2019 22:25

HeyAssbutt you're 30 not 42 - it's a decade too early to say it hasn't happened because you've still got time to meet someone, get to know them, get married after a few years together and still ttc and have a baby with two parents.

Obviously there are no guarantees but you're comfortably a decade away from the last chance biological clock timebomb scenario.

Charbead49 · 16/11/2019 22:28

You can only plan for the life you have now. Go to college and provide a good life for your daughter.

RedLipstickHighHeels · 16/11/2019 22:31

I said whimsy, not on a whim.theres a difference.whimsy is the dreamy I just want a baby...just want it
Sure babies are cute etc but they ave needs,it impacts everything you do esp as a LP
It’s ill thought out if you’re doing it without adequate planning,stability.
Are you solvent?
In stable accommodation?
Prepared/able to have 2 kids on your own

Sure plenty people don’t plan babies and they get along just fine. Maybe you’ll breeze through unencumbered

But I’d say put more planning into career,finances that’ll make having 2nd baby easier.

Alicia1234 · 16/11/2019 22:38

I would definitely go to college. You're too young to give up on meeting someone. For all you know, you'll meet that person while pregnant or when your second baby is little and then you'll wish the whole experience had happened with him. I know we have no idea what happens in life but still, way too young in my eyes for such decision.

Original poster
HeyAssbutt · 16/11/2019 22:41

Thank you everyone. I think I just needed some help to get some perspective. Its hard to ignore the broody feeling especially when it's been ringing in your ears for a couple of years! I guess with doing the teaching it just makes me feel like having another baby is so much further away. I know I can do it alone but obviously it would be nice to be in a stable relationship. Just feeling a little adrift and need a push to make the decision

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/11/2019 22:49

Working in childcare you probably meet very few single men in an unpressured, non dating context. That'll be very different at university.

I think this is a really valid point.

If you study, qualify and get an NQT job you’ll be able to save much quicker if at that point you still want to conceive a second DC as a sole parent.

Also, any child you have now will already have a 5-7 year age gap to your first DC. So the siblings will be at different stages of life anyway. Waiting a few more years might actually be more beneficial in terms of childcare needed, your eldest being more independent, things like that.

I’d prioritise your career. You’re young at 30. It might not feel that way, but you are. You’ve got at least 5 years, if not more, to make the decision about a second baby.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/11/2019 23:03

I agree with pp. Study first. 30 is young and you will probably meet someone in the next very few years and wish you'd waited for them.

All the more likely if you study - and do so with time available to chat to people and socialise a bit.

Then you'll have a better income, better maternity package and can make your choice in more comfortable circumstances.

Cineraria · 16/11/2019 23:11

I'd focus on the study first if it were me. When you have a settled job as a primary school teacher, I think you will be in a good position to have another baby whether or not you are still wanting to do this on your own.

I think that having another baby could possibly put you in a difficult position to start studying. You could have a very different child to your first one who needs a lot more of your time and attention than you expected or doesn't let you sleep or twins.

I think what I'm saying is that the outcome of training to be a teacher is more predictable and supportive of subsequently having a baby than vice versa.

Andysbestadventure · 16/11/2019 23:15

University.
University.
University.
University.
University.

You don't know what life might throw at you, so get in the best possible position for whatever it does. Do your Masters. Get your career back on track. Then have the baby!

thepeopleversuswork · 16/11/2019 23:28

I would go to university. If you have another baby now you will probably never get the chance to study again. If you do a degree there's every chance you can have one in another few years and you can provide a better life for your existing DC.

Waveysnail · 16/11/2019 23:34

Get yourself to uni. Get your degree. Do your nqt year. Then start trying.

Pilot12 · 16/11/2019 23:38

At 30 you've got plenty of time to meet somebody. I had my first baby at 40 and second at 44. I'd get the degree first and you never know who you might meet when your least expecting it along the way.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2019 23:40

I would focus on your education, career, and the child you already have. Your financial security should be paramount over having another child as a single mother.

TooMuchSun12 · 16/11/2019 23:44

100% study first. Lots of us on here had children in our late 30s (or early 40s) so you have plenty of time to meet someone and have your much wanted second child. You’ll also get a fairly decent maternity leave package if you wait until you are in a teaching post.

goodluckhun · 16/11/2019 23:51

To give a different view; teaching is incredibly hard, the pgce or training is exhausting and the nqt year is relentless. Lots of people drop out. Teaching is not an easy job and I think you'd find it much harder to start, and then try and meet someone and have a baby then you would to have a baby first.

Ariela · 17/11/2019 00:00

I'd study first, once qualified you'd be able to save far, far more quickly - with the added bonus you would have more opportunities to meet Mr Right through work.