My father won’t respect my name

[ButItsmyName]

When I married I changed from my father’s surname to my husbands.

When I divorced I changed my surname by deed poll to be my maternal grandfather’s surname. I then with ExHs permission added my new surname onto my DCs name, day-to-day they are “known as” ExHs surname but on all documents is ExHs Surname-GFs Surname. This has made it so much easier when travelling abroad as they have one name the same as me.

I didn’t change it to insult my dad like he claims, I did it because my dad’s surname is extremely common (think Smith or similar) and paired with my uncommon first name to me it just didn’t sound right, my granddads surname is much less common and fits more with my first name. My DC is so happy to have one name the same as me.

My dad refuses to use it. He was the same when I was married. He kept saying I will always be “Miss (his surname)”. When I was married he’d always say I should have stayed as my surname. He claims I changed to my GFs surname to insult him as my mum changed back to her maiden name (GFs Surname) when she divorced my dad, and he says it shows me taking sides in the divorce. He claims my mum is turning me against him. He sends any cards addressed to me as “Miss (Firstname)(His Surname)” if I tell him that’s not my name he says it is as that’s what’s on my birth certificate, and he knows it’s on my birth certificate as he registered my birth alone.

He also refers to DC by his surname even though they’ve never had it. He apparently used it to one of the teachers at an event there last half term and then wondered why the teacher didn’t know who he was talking about.

For added context: He chose my first name (he used to wax lyrical about it when I was a teenager) and I have kept that, he also chose my middle name which I have also kept. So I still have the name he chose for me, I just have a different surname.

I have tried calling him by a different name but he just shrugs and says I can call him whatever I want as it’s only a name – hypocritical much.

AIBU to ask for ways I can get him back?

I think it’s the OP’s choice and right to have changed her surname, but the whole can’t have a fancy first name with a common surname is bollocks. I’ve managed with my double barrelled French first name and common surname all my life.

I thought about changing my surname to my mother’s maiden name after she got divorced from my father because it is much cooler sounding and less common.

I didn’t do it because I thought it might hurt my dads feelings, so I can see where he’s coming from really.

and he knows it’s on my birth certificate as he registered my birth alone.........,.He chose my first name (he used to wax lyrical about it when I was a teenager) and I have kept that, he also chose my middle name which I have also kept.

Did your mother have a say in any of this? He sounds very controlling.

although you did not intend to hurt your father, you did actually hurt him by taking your mothers maiden name around the time of the divorce. That can be seen as taking sides.
It seems too that you think because you did not intend to hurt him, he therefore cannot be hurt. Things do not work like that in real life. People unintentionally hurt others all the time.
I think you admit to yourself that you did hurt your father, and that it does look to the world that you have sided with your mother.
I think too, that your reason for the name change was because you wanted a cooler last name makes it worse. It’s not like you were escaping a violent Ex and taking a new identity.
It’s fine you changed your name, that is your right to do, but there are consequences and you will need to rebuild that relationship.

Do you think you’ll ever own your own name, OP? You talk as if you’re only ever borrowing names from male family members. Sad, really.

The only thing I think is that you should stop thinking of all the names as belonging to men. Your surname is your surname, not your dad’s or dh’s or gf’s. Your dad doesn’t think his surname is really just his dad’s does he - he sees it as his own.

Yanbu to call yourself whatever you want. Yabu not to feel ownership of your own name.

He sounds like a complete idiot.

I'm one of three daughters and we all have different last names through marriage etc. Neither of my parents are bothered. You don't need the same last name to be family.

Just ignore then ignore more.

Well he can't be too much of a sexist if he didn't think you should take your exhs name on marriage. As for him not respecting your name, you aren't respecting his and l can understand why he is hurt. I don't agree that a girl being given her father's surname at birth is anything to do with females being seen as chattels, boys are equally usually given their father's surname. It just denotes he's your father and always will be but a husband as you know won't necessarily always be nor will you always want to be associated with him by name. So to your dad it must almost feel like you are 'divorcing' yourself from him as a father so can understand why he's hurt.

The name she would have had instead of her ex's after she married would have been essentially his name, Bahhhhhumbug.

Not her mother's maiden name or even a hyphenated name that included her mother's name and his.

@ChicCroissant

You don't have to turn up to every argument you are invited to. That is one of the best one-liners I have ever seen on MN. Brilliant attitude to life. My new go-to slogan for a peaceful life.

Different situation but my mother has been a bit funny about me changing my name since we got married. I think because she wasn't at the wedding (nobody was apart from us) so in her mind it doesn't count as a proper wedding.

She also told me she didn't like my new name. Yeah, ok mum.

So every now and then if I mention something about my new surname or whatever she'll snort in a derisive fashion like I'm some silly little girl playing at grown ups. It's rather tedious.

If it was about taking sides I wouldn't spend time with him or let him come to school stuff (it was the Harvest Festival and the teacher asked him who he was watching and he said "(DC firstname)(his surname)" and the teacher said she didn't know who that was. It was him who wondered why.

So he thinks your children should have their mother's name, but is offended that you have taken your mother's name after divorce?

I'm a bit puzzled as to how many times your Dad has to use your surname that this is even an issue?

It's frustrating but probably best to just ignore.

I have a double barrelled surname which I kept when I got married (my mum had kept her name at marriage too hence me having a double barrelled one). My in-laws always address post to me as 'Mrs [their surname] despite knowing it isn't my name, it does grate but I think it just shows their lack of respect for my name more than anything else and I won't get into an argument about it. DC have a double barrelled name too with one of my surnames (the one I inherited from my mum!) and DH's so when they're old enough they can correct grandma and grandad when they get it wrong

How often does your father use your surname?! I'm married almost 20 years and I'd guess my father has needed to use my surname on average once or twice a year in that time.

Your dad's feelings are hurt and he sees it as a rejection of him. You can't change him, his actions, or his feelings. But stop giving so much weight to them. Your name is your name. You've changed it legally and use it everyday. That's not going to change because your dad doesn't like it. Learn to accept your dad for what he is, knowing that it doesn't actually affect anything "in real life".

Ignore him, life is too short!

Send any cards back with 'Not Known At This Address'?

How often does your father use your surname?! I'm married almost 20 years and I'd guess my father has needed to use my surname on average once or twice a year in that time.

-Exactly, but that's a normal person. OP's dad is making a point of using a name she doesn't use, deliberately, as he's a controlling twat. For example, he would have known full well what his grandchild's name is, but -

(it was the Harvest Festival and the teacher asked him who he was watching and he said "(DC firstname)(his surname)" and the teacher said she didn't know who that was. It was him who wondered why.

He didn't wonder why. He was making his twatty, 'I am in charge of you and THIS is what you should be known as' point.

That's why I'm hardcore on this one. It's not abotu names. It's about respect and appropriate treatment of another ADULT.

I wouldn't allow my DC to see me treated like a silly little child by another family member. Ever.

How often does your father use your surname?! I'm married almost 20 years and I'd guess my father has needed to use my surname on average once or twice a year in that time.

People making a point use names far more often than average

I changed my first name to my middle name at 14 and the people who disagreed the most (my eldest brother and my Aunt) suddenly felt the need to use my name constantly