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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to have hoped the clutter would have abated by now

77 replies

Apackoflips · 16/11/2019 19:50

I am an avid follower of Marie Kondo . I have read lots of the declutter books ( and sent them to the charity shop) and have watched declutter videos on your tube etc etcetc.
So why on earth do I still have drawers that I cant put one more pen into?Boxes in the dining room that hold things to be sorted. Why have I got several random bags that are full of crap sitting on the utility room floor ?These bags were filled on a panic rush round before guests were imminent. There are some things in the bags I need to keep so I can't just chuck the lot unfortunately.
What do other people do? Surely other people have drawers that arent full to bursting in every room in the house.

OP posts:
BlackCatSleeping · 17/11/2019 10:09

I think you have to look at your space and only have the amount of stuff that you can fit in that space. If that makes sense. So, if you have enough space in your bookshelf for a hundred books, you need to select your favourite 100 books and then operate a one in one out system. Same for how many clothes you can fit in your wardrobe or how many pens you can fit in your pen pot.

BlueJava · 17/11/2019 10:14

In the gentlest way OP, it's not reading the books and watching the vids it's actually doing it! If it spurs you on I am also an MK fan and have done my whole house. Everything has a place and no clutter (makes it so much easier for cleaning so I was able to not have a cleaner anymore as I can do it myself - quite a saving). Work through everything drawer and cupboard one by one, it's definitely worth it.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 17/11/2019 10:19

@MitziK

👏👏

flirtygirl · 17/11/2019 11:32

Disgruntledguineapig if you won't see the friend, the bag of toys can go to charity, lots of parents are looking for xmas presents, or a toy bank, baby bank, nursery school or playgroup.

Please do not put them in the bin. There is no reason to bin them.

Gardai · 17/11/2019 12:20

On the back of this thread I’ve just cleared out two drawers that I couldn’t close, now there is hardly anything in them, I decided on which pencils I preferred and was ruthless...only about 20 drawers to go !
I need someone strict to oversee me, maybe even wielding a stick.
I’m working on the premise I’ll be moving in the near future and I don’t want to be packing and decluttering as that adds days onto moving.

MitziK · 17/11/2019 12:42

@sandgrown - personally, I think 'harsh' is the actions of somebody who attacked their daughter with a garden rake and missed removing her eye by 15mm (after spending 14 hours to get the 26 inches from the table to the back door because she had been threatened with eviction for endangering the people next door with a fire hazard) in response to a tired 'I'm pretty sure I don't need anything that's here'.

I think 'harsh' is the person slapping their 10 year old for slicing her leg open to a depth where she could see her calf muscles because she'd fallen through a fishtank that had been buried in the undergrowth of the back garden for 6 years and refusing to do more than stick a plaster over the cut because she knew Social Services would want to know why there was so much shit around.

I think 'harsh' is the person who wished her eldest, Autistic, son dead repeatedly because he dropped a 'special' (£1 from Sainsbury's) mug when trying to rinse his cup in the sink because the sink, drainer, countertop and floor were stacked three foot high with unused plates, mugs and random other stuff.

I think 'harsh' is the person who left a cat suffering under furniture after being run over for a week because she didn't want anybody to touch the mountain of clothes and gardening equipment that was in front of it, so lied about the poor fucking animal being 'out' and 'doesn't like you, so is hiding somewhere'.

I think harsh is the woman who, on finding that the next door neighbours had expressed their fears of fire for themselves and for the lady who lived in it to her landlord, threatened a seven year old girl to 'keep your Mummy away from me, or she'll get that fire sooner than she thinks' and then pulled the sweet, little, whitehaired old lady who just can't cope with the nasty non white neighbours who don't understand her because maybe they're from a culture where people don't have much to begin with and my grandson's a quarter black so I'm not being racialist trick when the terrified child told her teacher and the Police got involved.

What I am about to say, however, I know some people who are paralysed by Stuff will be horrified by;

Hoarding is an act of abuse. It imprisons the people who aren't doing the hoarding. It stops them from having friends visit. It isolates them from the embarrassment, from the fear of being mocked at school for living in a bin, for having fleas (genuinely), from being physically injured by the stuff, from being told at all times that the Stuff is more important than their need to be somewhere where they can walk through a door without having to turn sideways and breathe in. The existence of The Stuff is of more value to the hoarder than the living, breathing people around them.

For those who are heartbroken at the thought that they are seen as abusive - you can change. Just get rid of the Stuff.

For those who say nobody else sees it, so it isn't abusive - it is abusive - it's abusing yourself.

And for those who say 'how DARE YOU? I am a wonderful parent/it's the children's fault/it's MY house/ODFOD' - piss off, you vile, abusive little shits. I see you.

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 17/11/2019 13:34

Mitzik love your post. Sounds like a more expect hoarder than my mum.

OP, you write My house is clean and tidy with mostly clear areas. I doubt very much that it is. My mum says this. Her house is cluttered and filthy, except for the hallway, kitchen and 1/2 of the living room ie anywhere any guests might be. There is a path to her bed. Every cupboard and drawer is full of —rubbish— very important stuff. My house IS clean and tidy because everything has a place and when the cleaner comes the floors and surfaces are clear of crap, so she can actually clean.
I’m only recently learning that my mum has no intention of decluttering, ever. She likes her ness, she likes never putting anything away and never throwing anything. And she doesn’t want to change. Sigh.

Mercedes519 · 17/11/2019 13:46

@MitziK Flowers that’s a different world from most people with a bit of clutter...most people have clutter that doesn’t impact daily life in that way. True hoarding is something that needs professional help for the hoarder and their families.

For those with a bit of clutter the one thing that made a difference for me is the exit strategy. I struggled with Kondo because of the assumption you’d just throw it out.

Freegle/Freecycle works quite well for me. And people come and collect it so less work for me. And it’s reused rather than thrown.

HalloumiGus · 17/11/2019 13:49

Marking place because I'm your spiritual twin OP.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 17/11/2019 13:53

Sorry OP, I couldn't get past your "hell no it's got a styouys!" Comment. That really cracked me up! 😂 Definitely the sort of excuse I'd use to keep something too!

LBOCS2 · 17/11/2019 14:05

The thing that helps me most when I'm in clearing mode is actually asking a different question.

Previously when I was clearing, I did it with the mindset "what do I want to get rid of?". Which is a rubbish mindset. I changed it to "what do I want to keep?". Literally doubled the amount I was throwing/donating etc, because I was having to find a reason to give it house room, rather than reasons not to get rid of something.

Angela9 · 17/11/2019 14:25

Could you have a fear of scarcity if you grew up without much? Might not be a matter of what does or doesn't spark joy, but a fear of not having the useful thing you need. Might be better doing some work on letting go of fear of not having things than on actually letting the things go?

PookieDo · 17/11/2019 14:56

This is the confusion. Kondo is for people who don’t have deep and serious emotional attachment to their belongings. It’s for people who like their stuff but don’t know how to organise it
If you watch Jasmine Harman on YouTube this might help you to see the other elements

BlackCatSleeping · 17/11/2019 15:42

Kondo works well for some people, but not for others.

OP, there is a decluttering one thing at a time thread on MN if you search for it. The people on there seem kind and non-judgmental. I think that sort of thing would help you. Take one thing a day and either it has a place in your home or it goes to the charity shop/bin.

IncrediblySadToo · 17/11/2019 15:49

@MitziK I’m very sorry for the way you grew up 🌷 however, posting things like It's simpering, anthropomorphic bollocks. It's just Stuff. Stop buying the books, stop looking for emotional excuses, it doesn't work like that is uncalled for & nasty

The vast majority of people who have issues with hoarding are emotionally damaged by childhood trauma. It’s not an emotional ‘excuse’, it’s a reason They need help & understanding, not scorn

@Apackoflips I do think the ‘collections’ &’soave allocation’ method will work for you.

Gather all the ‘not neatly folded in its own space’ stuff together then sort it into groups - pens/batteries/whatever other groups you have Then decide how much space you’re prepared to allow ‘ (say pens) in your home & start by choosing the ones you like/find most useful to fill the space then donate the rest somewhere that they’ll be useful (so maybe a school?)

The ‘little stuff without a home’ is more difficult than big stuff with a home (clothes) so make a home for it or decide it doesn’t need one - do you really need some of the nonsense stuff?

Unless you’re going to move to a bigger house you need to choose to live within the confines of the space you have. Accept that you have limited space and choose to live in that space in a way that makes you happy. If it makes you happy to live in a tidy organised house, accept you don’t have space for unlimited stuff, but that you have this space (box/drawer) for pens and anything else exceeds your need and doesn’t bring you joy/happiness but actually takes away from
It.

MitziK · 17/11/2019 16:25

@IncrediblySadToo. Yes, hoarders do rather like to play the innocent victim to deflect away from what they do to the people unfortunate enough to be around them. Lots of focusing on tone of voice or phraseology, rather than acknowledging that they are the problem. Lots of 'oh, I have a childhood trauma' rather than 'I'm abusive'. Lots of 'It's all their fault, they made the mess, not me', the house just isn't big enough, the house is the wrong shape, the other person has the temerity to want to be able to put both feet on the floor or not risk breaking their neck coming down the stairs. It's always 'My Nan died', 'Mum threw away my dolly in 1972 that was in three pieces, one of 30 and was carefully stored in a rotting bag together with old crisp packets and a decomposing rat'. Or just outright narcissistic rage and violence.

Hoarders like the one I endured don't give a flying fuck about their behaviour being uncalled for and nasty. It's their Right to be like that. And often, they'll deny it. Because, after all, the child/partner/pet being hurt by it is just another of their possessions. Just not as valuable a possession as the tinfoil or dried out felt tips.

If somebody is doing it and doesn't like it/what they are doing to themselves and other people, that's different. They still need a reality check, rather than indulging and saying 'of course, you poor thing, you need to say a loving thank you to the shredded sock with dried cat sick on for keeping you from ever having to look at that piece of carpet for fifteen years' - but the people I have had experience of aren't like that. They're just mean and cruel and deliberately abusive. Because their things are more important than living, breathing people and pets.

Jammydodgerdunker · 17/11/2019 16:32

I really struggle with this too, plus I end up with multiple items because I can't find what I'm looking for & buy another.

I found this podcast helpful as tackles some of the difficulties in being able to get tasks done & why the kondo method may not work for some of us.
additudemag.libsyn.com/256-everything-in-its-place-the-adhd-guide-to-better-organization

astralweaks · 17/11/2019 17:01

There were no hoarders of any significance in the days where many people had little.

shoebedobedobedobedoo · 17/11/2019 17:23

I end up with multiple items because I can't find what I'm looking for & buy another.

This is my mum too. She also can’t remember whether she has something when she is out (and never writes a shopping list) so buys another, ‘just in case’, and if anything is on sale or 2 for 1 she buys the whole shop. Recently I was staying. She had 25L of car screen wash in various places in the garage......when I questioned this she claimed she never buys screen wash. She has 15 cans of suede/nubuck/leather protector, 19 tins of beans, 5 packets of taco mix and tacos (the most recently out of date being 2017), 15kg of rice and enough stock to have a roast dinner every day for the next 20 years and still never run out.
She lives on her own, doesn’t work, has a large mortgage free house and a decent pension. She doesn’t want to declutter and she doesn’t need to watch the pennies, so she simply doesn’t care.

Itstheprinciple · 17/11/2019 17:28

My MIL is a great advocate of decluttering. She does this by bringing her unwanted items to my house, where I am too polite to refuse. My house is full of cast offs that are in various stages of transit to the charity shop or tip. My DD has at least developed the art of respectfully refusing items she brings for her. I really need to follow her lead.

Angela9 · 17/11/2019 17:52

I have started making a list of things I buy regularly then doing a tally next to it every time I find a duplicate. Not sure I am ever buying toiletries, stationary or make-up again!

SandAndSea · 17/11/2019 18:02

OP, I'm on the Decluttering One Thing a Day thread mentioned above. Come and join us:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/housekeeping/3711883-Decluttering-one-thing-a-day-Part-9?msgid=91651871

Jammydodgerdunker · 17/11/2019 18:15

Itstheprinciple - My mum has done this too with her regular clear outs, then I'd worry she may ask for something she'd given me. She once brought a box of items that I'd given as presents over the years along with few bits we'd made as kids, didn't know what to make of that. Luckily she's moved further away now as my own junk is enough of a struggle without taking on others.

The NT Calke Abbey is an interesting hoarder/collector's house though must be a right pain for them to clean.

SleepingSoul · 17/11/2019 19:41

Oh yes, another here with family who "kindly" give me their cast offs. I'm getting better at saying no, but still get things I think I might be able to put to use then decide against once it's in my house.

I also have Ex-h who I'm sure is deliberately buying DD cheap plastic crap and sending it home with her every time she sees him. He knows I'm trying hard to declutter.

I know it can be a faff but have find FB marketplace good for selling decent quality toys etc.

Gentleness · 17/11/2019 21:44

One thing I've noticed in my various attempts to declutter is that if it isn't a complete job, it doesn't work. I have piles of things that I do want to keep, but they don't yet have a home because I've not got got rid of the things that are in the way. That's one thing I've found illuminating from watching the Kind programmes - I'm clearly at the "part way through stage" where it all looks worse, but then I prioritise other things over finishing.

On the programme it might take a month for them to do a house but with regular visits and the sense that a teacher is coming, both to hold them accountable and to help them understand, they keep going. That would definitely increase my efforts!

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