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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think lacking confidence in a workplace can cause you all sorts of problems?

8 replies

caravanette · 16/11/2019 08:48

I've recently left a job in the city and moved rurally - I had my job a good few years. The problem was I endured bullying at my old job cos when I started I was shy and lacked confidence. I'm determined now to project confidence from the outset where I live now in order to prevent this. Not just bullying people used to patronise me and make out I didn't have a life etc. Anyone else got any opinions on this?

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Thingsdogetbetter · 16/11/2019 09:15

Those uber confident people you see and think 'I wish I was like that': the vast majority are faking it! Confidence is a mask, an act, a trick.

Famous actors feel sick and puke before going on stage. University professor shake with nerves before a lecturer (podiums are there to grip on to). Teachers dread new classes every year. Etc etc etc. But they appear cool, calm and confident to others. It's other's perceptions that count, not how we're actually feeling.

You can learn to SEEM confident much more easily than learning to BE confident. Often the latter will happen anyway if you do the former and realise people buy into you as a confident person.

Body language, posture, eye contact (fake it by looking at the eyebrows not the eyes. Lol) are key. If you fidget, always hold a hardback notebook with both hands. There are hundreds of tricks, websites devoted to it. Practice them in the mirror and find which works best for you.

People have said they wish they had my confidence, that no one scares me - they should feel my shaking hands, my acid relux, my sweaty palms, the time I spend deciding what to say and then over analysing what I actually said. But I walk into a classroom of thirty 17 years olds looking like I kick ass and know what I'm taking about.

caravanette · 16/11/2019 09:26

I agree - especially with your3rd paragraph up from bottom I've had personal experience of this

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SandyY2K · 16/11/2019 09:31

I would just say be yourself.

In my role ppl raise issues of bullying in the workplace, but then ask me not to say anything.

I find it sad and frustrating, that they won't speak out, but bullies will always find a target.

Be careful that confidence, doesn't come across as arrogant and cocky.

caravanette · 16/11/2019 09:36

Most genuinely confident people are actually nice and supportive. Arrogant and cocky suggest immaturity

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caravanette · 16/11/2019 09:36

That's my opinion anyway

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dancingbadger · 16/11/2019 10:15

I agree with you, lacking confidence in yourself can attract the bullying types looking for an easy target. Unfortunately you find them in all walks of life and in certain situations like work and school you can't just walk away from them. I've always been a people pleaser so have attracted those kind of bullying personalities in the past as I'd never stick up for myself or verbally fight back I was too scared of escalating the conflict and 'getting into trouble'. I have been learning, in recent years, to push back a bit and not to put up with people treating me badly. I think it's important that you have something outside of work that you enjoy and can feel confident in to build your own self esteem.
Think up some witty retorts for when someone throws in a passive aggressive curve ball. Remember subjecting yourself to their behaviour will be far worse on your confidence then pushing back. On the whole bullies are cowards once they realise you're not going to put up with their behaviour they'll stop and find an 'easier' target. Don't change your personality just be yourself and have the confidence knowing that you are a good person who doesn't need to get their kicks from putting others down. Good luck in your new job let us know how it goes Smile

caravanette · 16/11/2019 10:41

Excellent post dancingbadger I can relate to a lot of what you say.

My lack of confidence comes from mum and dad forcing friendships and not letting me make my own decisions and calling me selfish for not 'going along' as it were with other people. It's very difficult to shake off

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dancingbadger · 16/11/2019 11:17

I think once you truly understand your personality and what triggers you, you can work towards building your confidence based on your strengths. I'm not usually into self-help type books but I recently read 'The courage to be disliked' by fumitake koga, I found it quite helpful as it addressed a lot of the people pleasing issues I've had and how to deal effectively with conflict. I think, like you, my people pleasing stems from childhood but that doesn't mean we have to let it dominate the rest of our lives, so much is about your subjective view of life, anyway the book goes into a lot of details about it might be worth a read x

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