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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

It’s a DP one...

48 replies

Birthdaycakemondays · 15/11/2019 23:08

Just got back from taking the kids away, (one baby, one toddler) for a week with friends. Fun - yes! Exhausting - also yes.

DP has been working, full time. But has had the evenings to himself & has done nothing but socialise with friends and sit on his butt (judging by the place when I got home.)

I asked for a lay in tomorrow, could he get up with the kids.

He went ‘yeah alright... I spose 🙄’

AIBU to think his had plenty of down time this week & I deserve this lay in?

OP posts:

Span1elsRock · 16/11/2019 07:51

Your mistake OP was in "asking".

In future, make sure you are "telling". It makes the world of difference.

My DH was bloody useless when ours were little, he had no clue how hard and draining it was. So I simmered with resentment and anger, until exploding with rage and us separating for nearly a year. When he came back to the family home, it was on equal terms, not his and life certainly changed. I have no issue nowadays in telling him what to do, I've long since given up expecting him to see it.

chuck7 · 16/11/2019 07:56

Huh, he said he'd get up? What's the issue?

onanothertrain · 16/11/2019 07:59

You asked. He said yes. No issue.
You've been on holiday while he's been working, not sure why you feel you deserve a lie in more than him.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/11/2019 08:05

Stop being such a martyr he said yes. He's getting up with the kids. You get a lie in.

If he'd been on holiday with the kids you wouldn't instantly offer him a lie in because you'd think "oh how lucky he's been away on a holiday and I've been stuck at work all week".

Are you expecting him to kiss your feet and say he's so bloody grateful that you're so wonderful?

If you're not happy with the workload on a day to day basis you need to address that, though.

Do you work full time too or are you a SAHM? For some reason some men think if you're a SAHM you should do everything 24/7.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 16/11/2019 08:15

Surprised at the responses on this thread and disappointed to read the usual 'oh he's a man, they don't realise' type responses. Some men do realise, and some get up with the kids routinely because they know waking up to feed a baby a few times a night can be horribly horribly tiring.

For me and most people I know, a week to yourself, watching what you want on tv, socialising when you want, eating what you want and sleeping uninterrupted is infinitely easier and more restful than looking after a toddler who doesnt sleep and a breastfed baby in unfamiliar surroundings! It's why parents of young children are permanent knackered compared to single people who work full time.

If he thinks he's had it easier, he should offer to give you a break. If he thinks you've had it easier because his kids are so bloody easy to look after then surely it isn't a big deal to take over?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 16/11/2019 08:18

And there are enough threads on here from parents titled things like 'will holidays with young kids always be shit' and 'same shit different place' etc to show that most people with young kids dont find holidays with them remotely relaxing. So I'm not sure why people think you were able to chill and relax!

JigsawsAreInPieces · 16/11/2019 08:37

He might have thought you'd have missed him and got him breakfast etc

Or he could have thought I've missed her and I'll make her a nice breakfast!

Bluntness100 · 16/11/2019 08:40

So you were on holiday with friends, and now you're knackered, and as he's been working you wish to argue about who deserves a lie in most?

Nice.

Damntheman · 16/11/2019 08:42

Grief this thread is depressing. Being a man doesn't automatically mean one is totally unable to be considerate of others or do anything loving. It's not an excuse to be a total shit.

OP you are so not unreasonable! My husband would (and does) regularly behave in the manner you hoped your husband would without his penis getting in the way. It's totally possible.

Sit him down when neither of you are tired or stressed and try to have a calm discussion about how his behaviour is making you feel. Be prepared to listen to his feelings in return. Hope you two can work it out because what you describe is miserable!

Damntheman · 16/11/2019 08:43

Bluntness you have got to be kidding if you think kid free work week is more knackering than a week solo parenting 2 under 3 with no down time.

babasaclover · 16/11/2019 08:47

I totally understand where you are coming from. I regularly take my daughter away alone as I get more annual leave and want her to enjoy life and make the most of it before she's in school and we have the holidays shoot up in price. I love it but come home more knackered than when I went away and husband has made comments before like 'you've just had a week off I've been at work'. Truthfully it's easier to be at work than have the kids - I know as I work full time so can compare!!!

babasaclover · 16/11/2019 08:48

Ps I occasionally book girls weekends away to get a proper rest. So he knows that having her alone is hard and would be good to not comment about my 'week off'. He is a dick at times

billy1966 · 16/11/2019 08:55

OP, it sounds like you have created ba situation where he does feck all and now you can't even ask him to do a tiny bit.

You need to sit down and spell it out, otherwise this is going to get worse.

Of course he should have offered.
A week away with two little ones would have been relentless on your own.

I'd also sort out your contraception because you have a long road ahead of you.

Wishing you the best💐

habipprtyh · 16/11/2019 08:59

You asked for a lie in and he agreed

Sorry but I am struggling to see why you are trying to make any more out of the situation.

Youseethethingis · 16/11/2019 09:21

That’s hilarious that people are saying that a week on your own with a BF 4 month old and a toddler would have been so restful and Chilled for YOU! In that case, the DH in question should be positively INSISTING that he gets his fair share of that particular pie, otherwise it’s just not fair on the poor man!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/11/2019 09:38

No, I wouldn’t suggest a rest and lie in for the person who’s been on holiday all week whilst the other has worked. Even more so if it was funded by the person having to stay and work.

Plus nobody goes on holiday for a baby and toddler who won’t know or care where they are, they go for themselves at that age.

TheMidasTouch · 16/11/2019 09:56

"DP has been working, full time. But has had the evenings to himself & has done nothing but socialise with friends and sit on his butt"
You have been off socialising with friends for a whole week. Yes, you looked after your kids whilst away but he has worked full time so is probably tired too.

"it just makes me feel like he doesn’t appreciate the fact having kids has been 80% sacrifice on my part & 20% on his, every week, every month, every year."
Sacrifice? Having kids has been a sacrifice? You make it sound like you didn't really want them and didn't have a say in the matter.

If you already have problems then you need to talk to him and come up with possible solutions as to how to share the load.

"Also, I know if it was the other way round I would of bloody missed my kids after a week & want to get up with them in the morning!"
He's probably just as tired as you. Maybe he didn't miss them. If he works full time he obviously wouldn't get to see them much.

Original poster

Birthdaycakemondays · 16/11/2019 10:12

Thank you so much to all those understanding how chilled this holiday could not possibly have been! I would have died if I’d come on this morning to everyone tell me how relaxed & chilled my week away must of been.

I have to wonder if the PP’s saying his probably tired too have/have ever had/remember having 2 young children!

@TheMidasTouch

Sacrifice? Having kids has been a sacrifice? You make it sound like you didn't really want them and didn't have a say in the matter.

Um yeah! Do you have kids? You sacrifice your entire life as you know it when you have them. No I wasn’t forced into it & I no I wouldn’t change it I love my children unconditionally.

He's probably just as tired as you. Maybe he didn't miss them. If he works full time he obviously wouldn't get to see them much.

Lovely.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 16/11/2019 10:22

Did you get your lie in? Has he been nice to you this morning?

How any of the PPs can compare looking after a BF baby and a two year old all day and then have night time interruptions which a partner who has had every evening and night free to do as he wishes, is beyond me.

OP I really think it is time that you had a chat as well as enabled him to spend more time with sole care of the kids. And he has to look after them properly - not get stressed and shitty. Have a chat to see if you can get rid of this resentment - he needs to understand that it is not a chill party for you .

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 16/11/2019 10:30

If he thinks OP has had chill time he's a fucking idiot.

billy1966 · 16/11/2019 14:16

Work and coming home to put your feet up with a take away is a holiday compared to juggling 2 very young babies on your own.

Years ago I was very ill for a week and husband took over looking after our 3 very young children. He has always been a super hands on father and was well able to step in.
He also has a very senior, demanding career.

He skipped back to work when I was well enough to take over again, and was honest enough to say it was the toughest week EVER.

Was a marvelous boost to our marriage 🤣

blackteasplease · 16/11/2019 14:31

I’m with you OP. He should be volunteering!

Original poster

Birthdaycakemondays · 16/11/2019 15:42

I did get my lie in! With hourly interruptions from the 2 year old to ask if I’m up yet 🤣 & I am over the eye roll now 😂 Thanks to everyone for conversing & giving me some where to vent last night!

OP posts:

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