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to feel jealous of my friend?

14 replies

bakabakabeyond · 15/11/2019 21:58

I've never been much of a jealous person. I don't tend to like overly jealous people either and am struggling with this horrible feeling of envy. I have recently left a horribly abusive relationship. I have a son who isn't yet a year old. He was conceived through sexual coersion. He doesn't see his dad. His dad is a horrible person, and abused me in every way possible apart from physically, mainly because he knew that way would land him in prison. He's a clever, awful man. My friend has just told me she's pregnant with her second. I'm so happy for her, and think it's amazing that her daughter - same age as my son - will have a sibling close in age.

Why am I so overcome with sadness, envy and anger at myself? AIBU to feel this way? It's confusing and I don't like it.

OP posts:
SweetSally · 15/11/2019 22:00

Poor you, must be a horrible feeling. I am afraid I cannot give you any advice but please remember whatever you are feeling at the moment does not make you a bad person.

bakabakabeyond · 15/11/2019 22:01

I don't even want another baby right now. I just feel sad. I'm not even 30 and have totally fucked up already.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/11/2019 22:06

I'm not even 30 and have totally fucked up already.

I beg to differ! You have not fucked up AT ALL. You are smart and brave enough to leave a horrible man and protect your child. I call that a triumph. You are so, so young and have a bright future just waiting for you. Use the lessons you have learned and don't ever allow yourself to be in an abusive relationship again.

Forgotmycoat · 15/11/2019 22:08

I totally get you op. I've left an abusive marriage, and I'm jealous of happily married friends and their intact family units. I don't have much advice, just wanted to say I understand how you feel. I've had to distant myself from certain friends as my envy of them is awful. It's self preservation. It's ok to be jealous, acknowledge your jelaousy as a feeling, and like all feelings it will pass in time.

bakabakabeyond · 15/11/2019 22:08

Thanks aqua. I am going on rh freedom programme in January. I will never allow myself to be treated like that again. That's not to say that abuse is something that women 'allow' - however I am learning about red flags and am staying single for a while.

OP posts:
bakabakabeyond · 15/11/2019 22:10

I always saw myself with 2+ children, happily in a relationship, with someone who adored me and I adored back. Fantasy land I know but I could've been slightly closer. I'm just a big mess with a small baby to look after on my own. I love him so much. I wish he had a nice dad.

OP posts:
Notcontent · 15/11/2019 22:36

It’s natural to feel the way you do. Please try to take comfort in knowing you are not alone.

RealBecca · 15/11/2019 22:36

The story doesn't end here and today. You will pick yourself up and in a year you wont recognise yourself. You were very strong to leave so be proud of yourself. Its ok to have difficult feelings x

GettingABitDesperateNow · 15/11/2019 22:57


No advice just wanted to say, you sound really strong. You've achieved a lot - lots of people dotn manage to leave abusive relationships or it takes years and years of their children witnessing it before they can escape. You've done something that's very difficult and brave, when you have a young child which obviously makes things a million times more difficult.

You also sound quite in control of your emotions. I've never been in your position but I'd guess anger and jealousy (the why me, when others seem to have it easier) is completely normal, and you have recognised these emotions and that will help you deal with them a lot better.

You're still really young, I'm sure there is bags of time to achieve your dreams.

VisibleShantiLine · 15/11/2019 23:10

You haven’t fucked up, OP. You’ve achieved so much already. You’re upset because you’re dealing with the unfortunate fallout of your ex and his fuckups.

I understand your envy. I’m having the shittiest year of my life and am witnessing good friends fall pregnant with their supportive husbands and families around them. I’m never normally jealous. Never understood jealousy. And I am very, very pleased for my friends. Just as happy for them as I am I’m also physically and emotionally pained that my situation is so opposite. It’s ridiculous because their news is such a happy thing yet it also somehow feels like an assault. Like a kick in the guts. Totally bizarre and I’m probably not explaining myself well at all. But maybe you know what I mean.

At these times it’s good to sit down and list the things you have achieved and feel proud of. And what you’re grateful for. There will be more than you can imagine once you get going and it’s really helpful to see them all on paper. It’s not at all about competition with your friends or anything like that. But about knowing your value. You have so much time to add so much more to that list too. There are many happy surprises ahead for you. Flowers

keepingbees · 15/11/2019 23:44

Yanbu to feel this way. But you're being very harsh on yourself. You've done the bravest thing you could do by leaving.
I had my first baby by a horrible abusive man too. I left him, said goodbye to my dreams of a family, marriage and all. His parting words were 'you'll never have anything you want in life.' Fast forward to now and I'm married with 2 more children.
You are young, your life isn't over. Give yourself time to heal. It is hard, really hard. But you will get there Thanks

Tillygetsit · 16/11/2019 00:06

OP I was you. Then a while later I met a lovely kind man and had more babies. Your story isnt over.

bakabakabeyond · 16/11/2019 18:19

I honestly feel so lost

OP posts:
keepingbees · 16/11/2019 22:48

Give yourself time. Is it a recent separation and do you have support? It will get easier. You will still be physically and mentally recovering and adapting from becoming a mum.

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