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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do?

21 replies

NemosPoorlyFinn · 15/11/2019 17:26

I'll start off by apologising
This could be a long one

Me and my sons father split up end of August 2018

since then my sons dad has paid a total of £400 in maintenance
200 in feb 19
200 in August 19
He had his son on average once a week (over night) during this time (his choice due to "work"

Because he wasn't sticking to the agreement we had come to between us

I got in contact with csm they sent letters to him got no reply

So obviously the case has been escalated to his employer

So know because of the actual maintenance amount his should be paying (£350) plus back payments from sept 18 and also 20% collecting fee the cms add to the paying parties payment
The new amount is coming up to over £500 (a month) he has to pay

He basically said that he cannot afford this even though I know he earns around £3,000 a month
He's basically trying to guilt me into not going through cms and agreeing to £320 a month
So that would mean he's not paying any back pay off

I understand I should be great full with any amount and that a lot of other parents receive nothing in regards to maintenance

But this money is my sons so why shouldn't he pay for him

Iv also rang the cms today to be told that my ex has finally contacted them and told them the missing payments were given to me in cash!!
And I am therefore lying about not being paid

What would you do?
Would I be unreasonable to just carry on the case through the cms?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 15/11/2019 17:42

I understand I should be great full with any amount

Nope, nope, nope, stop thinking this way immediately.

There's no reason to express gratitude when a parent does the BARE MINIMUM (and I know I'm shouting but this is vital) for their child. That money is your child's money. His child's money. By refusing to pay he is deliberately refusing to contribute an acceptable amount to his own child.

Frankly I think he's a piece of shit and you should press for the full amount including back pay because not paying for your own child is sum of the earth behaviour. Please stop feeling thankful he's in contact, please stop feeling thankful he pays £200 every 6 months or so. His parenting is substandard and you need to see it as that.

NoSauce · 15/11/2019 17:46

No you wouldn’t be unreasonable to carry on through the cms. Why should he get away with not paying you what he owes?

Don’t let him bully you OP.

LucileDuplessis · 15/11/2019 17:48

Do you generally have an ok co-parenting relationship with him? If so I'd be tempted to accept the £320 (as it's so close to the CMS amount) on the understanding that if he doesn't pay up you're going straight back to the official route.

bridgetreilly · 15/11/2019 17:48

The reason you are going through CMS is because he has demonstrated that you cannot rely on him paying willingly. Why on earth would you think that's changed?

Spied · 15/11/2019 17:48

Cms all the way.
Especially now he has lied

Waxonwaxoff0 · 15/11/2019 17:49

No, carry on through the CMS.

Him not affording it is bullshit, my ex earns a bit less than that and gives me £500pm cash.

And you should not feel grateful! It's just what a good parent should be doing. Do not feel grateful or beholden because your ex is doing basic parenting, no matter what some people on here come out with.

MoreSexPleaseImBritish · 15/11/2019 17:49

Do not believe his bullshit. Go through the legal process of CMS and get the financial support you should get for raising your son.

I have had almost a decade of giving my ex the benefit of the doubt and still he messes me about.

Going through CMS means anything he doesn't pay will be kept a record of so you should get it eventually- even if he is still paying you when your son has his own children...if you make an agreement between you you will have no claim on any money he doesn't pay.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 15/11/2019 17:53

Nope, nope, nope, stop thinking this way immediately.

100% this you should not be grateful for anything. Is he grateful for you raising your son? No. So why should you be grateful for him contributing the legal minimum^ he can get away with paying towards his child? It’s literally the least he has to do. You do not need to be grateful.

Definitely continue with the CMS claim. They will do a deduction from his earnings if he refuses to pay and you’ll get what you’re entitled to that way. He doesn’t deserve to be let off with this. It’s disgusting that he’s trying to. That’s food out of his child’s mouth!

Doyoumind · 15/11/2019 17:54

Just go through the cms then it's out of both of your hands. If he had paid up before then he wouldn't have the increased amount to pay now. He can't prove he paid in cash and you have evidence from him in the form of texts or emails, I presume, to get this sorted.

Bunnybaubles · 15/11/2019 17:57

Men can be utter shites. I went through it all too. Are the conversations between you and him via text? If not I'd make sure future ones are so you have proof. Let him hang himself.
And you should continue through cms, you know he cant be trusted. What's to stop him pulling that stunt again and your son loses out on even more.

Awrite · 15/11/2019 18:00

He's proven he can't be trusted so let the CMS deal with him.

Acquiece now and he'll take advantage again and again and again ...

EllenRipley · 15/11/2019 18:03

I can only agree with what everyone else has advised. He's proved his child isn't a priority, now he's bullying you and barefaced lying to shift the blame onto you and undermine any chance your child will get the support they're (over)due.. what a bastard!

As pp said, keep any conversations to the bare bones, keep records and discuss nothing else. Continue with the cms process, otherwise he will leave you financially high and dry again; he can't be trusted.

Original poster
NemosPoorlyFinn · 15/11/2019 21:16

Thank you for all of your replies
I know that you are all right and I should go through cms

It's just when your on the inside looking out and someone's telling you what you are doing is not justified you start questioning yourself

I also hate confrontation and this is why I think he thinks he can try and guilt /bully me into things
He was very coercive during our relationship

I think I'm just going to let cms deal with it
I'm just dreading the fall out tbh Confused

OP posts:
RandomMess · 15/11/2019 21:22

Just tell him "it's in CMS hand now, you had your chance to pay voluntarily and you refused I'm not discussing it with anyone other tag CMS"

sunmoon21 · 15/11/2019 21:25

Accept the £320 but use them again In the future

TrainspottingWelsh · 15/11/2019 21:36

Only paying the legal minimum is shit, but as he didn't even think that was important then you have no reason to consider whether you're being unfair. Plus he's only offering that because the cms are making him, not because he's suddenly decided to fulfil his responsibilities. He's a tosser.

The fact that other tossers get away with it by various means is irrelevant.

SandAndSea · 15/11/2019 21:49

He's proven to you that he's not trustworthy. I would be dealing with the CMS.

letsjog · 15/11/2019 22:00

CMS all the way.

Read your own OP @NemosPoorlyFinn
He's trying to talk you into letting him pay below the bare minimum he should be AND 180 less a month to what he should be right now to make up for lost time
ALL WHILST CONTACTING CMS BEHIND YOUR BACK AND MAKING YOU OUT TO BE A LIAR TRYING TO TELL THEM HE HAS BEEN PAYING CASH.

He's an untrustworthy liar. And by the sounds of it making sure he only looks out for himself.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 16/11/2019 07:04

He was very coercive during our relationship

And that was at a point where he wanted/needed you to like him. Imagine how coercive he's going to try to be now you're not together.

It's easy for us to say "be strong" but you have every right to demand he pays what's due. And you have every right to allow the CMS to enforce it. He isn't being fair, he isn't being kind, he isn't being honest. Please don't allow someone who tries to emotionally manipulate you to coerce you into giving in - you don't have to put up with any of his coercive bullshit any more Flowers

Obligatorync · 16/11/2019 07:17

Nope. Leave it to CMS. He can't be trusted and he doesn't get to manipulate you any more. Take the £500.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/11/2019 07:18

CMS definitely. Even if you agree to a private deal he will renege on it very quickly - I think you’d be lucky to get one payment. Then you’ll be back where you started.
Don’t engage with him on it. If you must, then text or email only. Broken record- I am happy to accept what the government has decided you must legally pay and for them to collect it. Or something similar.

Remind yourself that your son deserves this money. Think about the difference it will make to his life, especially as he grows older and becomes more expensive.

And yes your ex is a shit no hoper for thinking it’s fine for his son to miss out on stuff and that he is so special he should be exempt from the law

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