To want my MIL to discipline ds when she is looking after him?

[alicet]

Just wondering what others think about this - its not a major deal but I'd appreciate some input before I rock the boat...

MIL lives about 4 hours drive away and we probably see her for a weekend every 2-3 months. Usually during that time dh and I will leave ds with her (especially when we go to hers as he has a lot of friends to catch up with nearby) for a couple of hours. She is very happy to do this and enjoys looking after him.

We were there this weekend and she commented to dh (while I was in another room) that she didn't want to tell ds 'no' or do anything that might make him unhappy while she was looking after him as she doesn't get to see him very often. Now I would be very happy to be 'bad cop' while I was there too as I can see where she is coming from but I feel that when she is on her own with him and he misbehaves she needs to tell him so. He is 18 months and usually a very good little boy but there are things that we don't want him to do and I feel it will be confusing to him if he's allowed to do things with her that we don't allow.

To complicate matters dh can understand what she is at and thinks it doesn't matter (he is very supportive of me by the way so its not about that).

I'd just like to know what you think before I discuss it with dh again - she is due up here in about a months time so I would like to address it then if there is anything to address....

By the way she is very good normally at making sure she follows his routine / looks after him as we have asked so I don't have any problems with her looking after him - this is the only thing that could be tricky.

i just let my mil get on with it. though i hated it for the first 5 years, then i let her get on with it. it's hard i know

I don't think you see her often enough for it to be a problem. If she was looking after him on a regular basis then the inconsistency might be difficult but grandparents are allowed to indulge their grandchildren!! If you are really uncomfortable with it then, sorry, but don't leave him with her.

Yes you're probably right as we don't see her that often. Certainly don't want a battle with her as she's lovely with him and he's very happy with her. Plus other things going on stressing her out at the mo....

Just tricky that when she's gone he plays up a bit more and at the mo I'm 33 weeks pregnant and knackered and could do without that! But he is still pretty easy so maybe I should let it ride....

I would let it ride for now, but if you find it is causing more problems when he is a little older and back home again, then mention it.

hi alice

tbh i think unless its going to make life really difficult for yourself and dp you should probably let it go, grandparents are meant to be there to spoil the kids, and as long as ds knows that this kind of treatment only happens at his grandma's then it shouldn't be too much of a problem, if however it gets too much then you need to nip it in the bud. she sounds like she'd listen to your concerns if it did become a major problem. like someone else said, there's probably no point in making into a problem unless it really is bothering you.

hth x x

I have the same problem (among many others) with my MIL (who has many lovely qualities as well).
My ds1 is a little older, and I have recently realised that he has quickly learned that there are rules he has with me, and rules he can bend with her. It used to be a nightmare when we came back home (ours lives 4 hours away too!), but he now bounces back into our routine relatively quickly (he knows he doesn't get a bickie every 5 minutes at home, etc) In a way, I now accept that it is up to her how she deals with him in her house. If she wants him to run all over the place breaking things wired on sugar, that's her problem and she can deal with the consequences.
Hope that helps.

I would ask her to be firm with him if he does something dangerous or something in particular you're trying to teach him.

Otherwise I would just explain to him that the rules are different at grannies - never too early to teach them that the rules are different in different places (prepares them for school/nursery/life)

Hi alice - I agree with lots here; I think if your DS was older (and when he is) he will understand that there are things he can do/get at Grandma's that he can't at home (part of the joy of grandparents for both him and them - it's a special relationships and one that is usually predicated on being spoilt rotten!) But, you also have a lot on at the moment and given that you won't want additional problems and that she is great, why don't you try and talk to her about it? Maybe you could say that you're concerned he'll play up more, play you off against her (although he may be too young for that) etc and for the time being is there any way, as a huge favour , she could try and use your house rules when she's with him, cause the consistency of care is going to be even more impt once a new one comes along etc etc......just a thought. Best to take a softly softly approach though - if not, I'd be inclined to grin and bear it!! Free (and loving) childcare isn't worth rocking the boat for! hope that helps

Hi Alice
I have to say I agree with most of what has already been said..though I understand your concerns (and knowing what your mil has on her plate with sil etc understand your worry that he might make life more difficult for her by taking advantage)but I'm sure that if it came to something serious (like trying to stick a fork in a plug socket) her maternal disciplinary instincts would cut in. So I would try not to worry...
My nephews know that they can get away with considerably more with my mils and their other grans than they can at home (and the grans take it in turn to look after them every day!)and they also know that the rules in my house are considerably more strict (ie. shoes off at the front door, food is to be sat and eaten not wandered around with and smeared on the furniture, my bedroom is a no go area not their playroom and the recliner chairs are not trampolines...and I'm only their auntie!). The grans, by allowing such things have made rods (and extra cleaning)for their own backs in my opinion but it was their choice and they could enforce more dicipline if they wanted (they didn't stint when it came to their own children!).
I personally think that if you have instilled good behaviour/manners at home the habit is hard to break and no amount of inconsistancy at grandmas is going to change the foundation you have built...
Try not to worry...easier said than done though I know!

Hi Alicet - thought I would pop over and read your post.

Have to agree with majority of other posters. Since she sees you LO so infrequently - her indulgence is not going to have a massive impact on your LO's behaviour.
As your DS grows older, I also agree that he will understand the differential between your rules and the little things he gets away with when with granny. Grannies are there to spoil when they see children so infrequently.

My nephew who is now 5, loves staying with my mum - different rules to his parents, but he never plays up when he goes back to his house and loves the time he spends with my mum.

I would only ever address if he started really playing up and being very naughty when with her - but doubt he will. He will want his treats.

Yeah - mine get to do/get bought lots of things that are different when they are at their Grannies. It's just normal that they want to spoil them a bit. Kids know that going to their Grannies is different. I remember mine had a load os sweets and crap in the fridge and cupboards when we went round and we just helped ourselves and never ate anything decent. We would never have dreamed of doing that at home - it was just something that made us look forward to going there and yours will realise that.

Just relax and let it go - it's perfectly normal and will cause a lot of problems between the two of you otherwise. She would just lie to you and do it anyway so it's not worth causing a rift between you.

Hi Alice,
I have a similar problem with my mil - (and fil too), and we see them quite often. They too are incapable of saying "no" to ds, and he is now nearly 5, and plays on it. It drives me mad, but ...

As an earlier poster said, if they can put up with the consequences of letting ds get away with it (my MIL allowed ds to ride on a electric powered scooter thing inside the house - they'd bought it for him without consulting us - then allowed him to ride it around the house - then was upset because ds kept crashing into the walls, and left black marks all over the walls from the tyres - luckily dh just told them they'd have to get over it, as they'd allowed him to do that in the first place!) then let them get on with it - I now know that when ds comes back from spending any time with the ILs, then when he comes back, he'll end up spending lots of time on the naughty step (over-stimulated, over-indulged) in the first day - he needs a quick reminder that these are not the rules at home, and he knuckles back down to how things work at home.

I have to say though, that DS doesn't like spending time with my ILs as much as he likes spending time with my Ps - as my Ps don't indulge him (too much), and basically follow the same house rules as we do at home. DS is much more comfortable with them - and as far as I can see, the difference will only get more pronouced as he gets older.

Thanks everyone for all your comments and helpful advice. I think I will let it ride for now...

Its not the spoiling I'm so worried about tbh as I too think theres nothing wrong with treats now and then (he gets that with me too sometimes!). Its more stuff like when he cries at bedtime she just lets him stay up and gives him loads of different things at mealtimes if he won't eat whats on offer... Which makes it harder for me when we get home.

But still take your point (esp from those who I know have older children and it hasn't harmed!) that as its so infrequent it probably doesn't matter! Thanks for reassuring me....

And ejt I agree that he is just as happy with a little discipline - my parents also are more than happy to say no to stuff with him (and need to more often as their house is not as child friendly). And he is just as happy with them!

Alicet

Try not to worry my MIL will not discipline dd, but does my two neices.

She feels she can discipline her daughters children but not mine. I think she just feels uncomfortable doing as they are not hers IYKWIM.