to really miss maternal input even though it was toxic?

[FreeDougJudy]

I’m new to all this so apologies if I’m not posting in the right place. I think this will a be long one.
I’m currently 15 weeks pregnant with my first baby and I’m absolutely over the moon and excited, I’ve previously miscarried and this baby is mine and my DPs much wanted and longed for rainbow baby. I cut my mother out of my life years ago due to her being abusive and an alcoholic she has form for being very nasty to me but she’s always managed to worm her way back in. This came to a head last year when I told her I was pregnant with the baby I lost and she kicked off. She told me I was making a mistake, ruining my life and that I would be a terrible mother. She also said I should get rid of the baby which was really horrid to hear. The next day it was like nothing had happened and she told me she knew I was pregnant as it came to her in a dream and she was over the moon . She then told lots of extended family members who I’m not close to (think cousins, second cousins I’m not close to any of her side of the family) I was expecting which was extremely distressing especially as I miscarried a few days after and had to tell people that the baby had gone. From that moment I knew I would no longer have her in my life as I couldn’t forgive her and I’ve cut her out. She’s since attempted to get involved again, when a family member was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t have a relationship with the majority of her side of the family due to my upbringing, she would drunkenly fall out with most people and cut them out for years before reuniting like no time had passed, meaning a lot of the main figures in my life on that side are practically strangers to me.

I said I was sorry that they were ill and that she was upset and I disengaged for my own sanity. She tried to push contact a few more times but gave up relatively easily as I’ve also moved away from my hometown which has helped put some distance between us.
Since being pregnant I don’t know how to describe it. I’m not sad I don’t have a relationship with her but I’m really noticing the absence of a mother figure. I just feel so out of my depth with everything, I don’t know what to buy, what to expect and I want someone to hold my hand. I’m tempted to start speaking to her even though I know it would be terrible just to have that contact and guidance. Please tell me I’m being crazy and that I’m strong enough to do this with just me and DPs support?

Firstly congratulations on your rainbow baby 🌈.
She sounds very toxic and if I were you I wouldn't bother with her especially the comments she made about your first pregnancy are disgusting and vile.
I get when you're pregnant and you're becoming a mother you seek advice from your own mother however from what you have described it doesn't sound like she's been much of a mother at all.

You sound like you have your act together, there is a lot of help out there besides your mother. Ask your midwife, friends, MIL (if you get along with her), siblings or if your DP has any siblings and lastly you can always ask here I know it isn't the same but there are a lot of people on here willing to help and talk to you on this exciting journey.
Pregnancy/Parenting board are really useful.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and remember there are always people to help with your questions

It makes compete sense that you would want a mother around when you're about to become one yourself. But i don't think you would want your mother. I'm so sorry you've gone through all of this, and I really think she will just disappoint and hurt you all over again if you let her back in.

Ime women are quite good at bonding over baby/child stages. Maybe look among the people around you for a big sister figure, someone who has children before who can reassure you when you get anxious etc. Is there anyone you work with, or on your DPs side of the family? You will start to collect friends among people with children, once you are in that world.

I hear you. It's really hard not to be able to turn to what should be the most nurturing person in your life when you're feeling vulnerable and want that maternal support. However, don't do it. I made that mistake with mine after going NC and she heaped stress and pressure on my just as I needed support and handholding. As ever it was always about her. Went NC again and she doesn't even know I had another. Life is very calm without her in it. Do I miss a mother figure? Yes of course, but no point inviting a toxic person in who will never fulfil that role. MN is amazing for support I've found.

I have a similar mother and to be honest after the baby came she just got worse. So I would be wary. If you have a mother in law or sister or good friend many that might help. Mine went on about me breastfeeding and it being awful and was very unsupportive, telling me how to do things and it was just awful. I kept going in spite of it but her 'help' was just a hindrance to me

Sometimes you can keep hoping for them to turn into the mother you want and need but it just wont happen. Inside of you there is mothering instinct and hold onto that. I try to do things differently and not repeat the way she was with me

Thank you all for being so supportive!! I think you’re right, I want a mother figure but not the one I have.
I think I give off a very together vibe where she’s concerned, people have asked me before if I feel lonely or sad and any other time I would say no not all because I’m very independent and I’m learning my self worth. My MIL is absolutely lovely but I don’t think she wants to overstep and assume that role whereas I really wish she would!!

ask your MIL for advice from what you said sounds like she would love the opportunity