Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Advice on my teenage daughter

23 replies

MissRx · 15/11/2019 09:43

I’m new here so sorry if this is the wrong forum!
My teenage daughter, 17 is with her partner, 19 and has been with him for years since she was 14/15. He is a very respectful, lovely lad. They seem very happy together (yes, they are young!) but it is still nice to see! His family are wonderful to her. Young relationships can blossom I guess..
Anyway, the problem is, of course I know that teenagers have sex. It’s part of life, I’ve been there etc. However, when he is round I feel like I’m getting lost in my own home as I try and give them some privacy in the living room, or kitchen. I have tried going upstairs keeping my bedroom door open and letting them have downstairs, and keep checking on them.
However, my daughter isn’t a baby no more.. and she’s at the age range of having a serious sexual relationship.
I use to say no to sleeping in the same room. Should I let them? I’ve started to say yes to being in the room alone in the day, with the door open and I have told them I’ll be checking and if I hear anything it’ll be the last time he’s over and I’ll pour water over him!
Am I being unreasonable? I don’t want to seem like an old fart but I want her to have respect. I’m very open to her about sex, though.

OP posts:

Original poster

MissRx · 15/11/2019 09:45

May I add, I know of so many of teenagers that are allowed to sleep in the same room and as their partners - the “she’s safe and she’s respecting herself in my home” from the parents. This also makes me feel like I’m being very unreasonable

OP posts:

Butchyrestingface · 15/11/2019 09:46

If they’ve been going out for a few years and she’s now above the age of consent, is there not a decent chance they’ve been doing it for a while anyway?

Original poster

MissRx · 15/11/2019 09:47

Yes I know they’ve been doing it for a while.. I just think I need to loosen my parenting strings! It’s hard to know what’s best though. I just want some advice from people who’s been in similar situations.

OP posts:

Tatty101 · 15/11/2019 09:48

Always a tricky one!

My parents had the rule (many moons ago!) that once I was over 16 and assuming the boy had met my parents and was known to them and I was serious, we were allowed in the same room. This did come with a very big condition that I had to prove to my Mum I was on the pill.

Having said that, I was with the same guy from 14-23 so it was only the one guy I ever brought home which sounds a little like your daughter?

Brefugee · 15/11/2019 09:48

let them sleep in the same room unless it makes you so uncomfortable that you can't sleep yourself.

Remind her the walls are thin, though. :)

Tatty101 · 15/11/2019 09:49

I mean, to sleep in the same room - we were of course not expected to shout through windows etc!

CripsSandwiches · 15/11/2019 09:49

They're almost certainly having sex if they want to be so I really don't see why you're going to such lengths to check on them or listen for noises. Of course they should be respectful of your house and not make a load of noise for everyone else to awkwardly listen to but what are you trying to achieve by not letting them be in the bedroom together?

I would be focusing on talking to your daughter about contraception and trying to develop an open relationship where she can talk to you about sex.

MellowMelly · 15/11/2019 09:50

I’d let them now sleep in the same bedroom now. They’ve really been very respectful of your boundaries and rules and that’s lovely.

Inforthelonghaul · 15/11/2019 09:51

They’re already having sex and you need to step back. It’s legal and as long as they’re ‘being safe’ what’s the problem. Let them stay in her room and just get on with your life. As long as it’s not noisy and they respect that you don’t want it being obvious then let them get on with it.

Inforthelonghaul · 15/11/2019 09:52

And yes i have two teens with partners and it’s been a steep learning curve but it’s their home too. Just remember to knock!

Original poster

MissRx · 15/11/2019 09:53

@CrispsSandwiches
I don’t check every two minutes haha I just check every couple hours etc! I just can’t seem to let go of my baby girl!
Your probably right.. I am being a bit unfair and I’m just doing it for myself not to feel awkward - however sex is part of life and relationships I guess.. we do have an open relationship about sex.
Thank you very much.

OP posts:

Original poster

MissRx · 15/11/2019 09:54

Yes, ladies thank you for your opinions.
Think I need to have a change on my approach.

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 15/11/2019 10:01

I was allowed to sleep in dhs room (together from age 18) but in my parents house until we were married we slept in a room with 2 single beds . In fairness we never did anything when sharing the bed in dhs house as his parents were in the next room. If they were out however ... So I'd probably allow them seeing as they are together so long. I'm sure they are on top of contraception at this stage. Just wear ear plugs in case!

JorisBonson · 15/11/2019 10:21

I wasn't allowed to share a bed (or even a room) with a boyfriend until I moved out of home!

ConkerGame · 15/11/2019 10:35

I wasn’t allowed until I was 21! But my parents are deeply religious and it had been made clear to me since I was 13 that it would never be allowed before marriage, so 21 felt like a big win to me!

The point though is that of course I did it earlier than that (had a boyfriend from 17) so it didn’t stop me! I’d just let them get on with it as long as they are respectful.

adaline · 15/11/2019 10:36

I wasn't allowed any boyfriends over for sleepovers until I was 18 and even then the rule was my parents had to have met them, and we had to have been together at least three months.

However I was allowed to stay the night with male friends whose parents didn't have any restrictions whatsoever.

Not very logical when you think about it

AwkwardFucker · 15/11/2019 10:38

Do you have other kids? I don’t care what my teenage DD does over the age of consent, as long as she’s being safe etc, but I have a younger child with a bedroom right next door to hers, thin walls and a small house. So honestly I’m uncomfortable with sleepovers here, and they probably won’t be happening.

I imagine my DD won’t like it as she gets older, but she’s welcome to stay at his place or get her own. 🤷‍♀️

Wallywobbles · 15/11/2019 10:46

We are in France so things are a little different in terms of societal norms. BFs that are introduced would then be invited to all family events.

So we've said to eldest DD is this a boy that you want invited to family events etc known as part of the family etc. Is he going to be around for the long haul?

She is 15 and they have DTD. But as yet it won't be happening under our roof. DH is absolutely clear that he doesn't want him here every weekend and nor do the rest of us really. I'd have taken a softer line, but we discussed it with DD and she actually agreed with us.

Our kids are very close in age and the thought of 4 extra teenage partners at breakfast is horrific.

Obligatorync · 15/11/2019 10:52

I'd leave them to it at this point. Make sure she's got contraception, then let him stay etc.

Booboostwo · 15/11/2019 10:57

This is really weird. Why do you disappear to your room to give them privacy in your own home? The living room and kitchen are communal spaces, they can't expect privacy in there. On the other hand, you should leave them alone, including overnight, in her room. Her body, her choice when and with whom she has sex.

stucknoue · 15/11/2019 11:01

I let my daughter from 17 (nearly 18) I figured that I would rather her be under my roof (boyfriend has a car) a year on they are still together and at university, she's given me a provisional marriage date but I'm taking it with a pinch of salt!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 11:01

I think they sound really respectful of your wishes and have earned your trust so you wouldn't be unreasonable to allow them to share a bed.

ActualHornist · 15/11/2019 11:05

My parents rule growing up was that until I was 18 boyfriends slept in a different room. Of course that didn’t actually stop us shagging elsewhere!

This was a fine and agreeable arrangement for me. It also didn’t bother me when at 19 I spent the night at my then boyfriends grandmothers house and she put us in separate rooms.

But has she asked? It seems like this angst is all coming from you and expectations from other parents?

Flip