AIBU to make DS wait as long as he makes me wait?

[ExpatInAGrump]

DS is 10. Asked him to get ready for bed 30 mins ago. He has shut himself in his room and is refusing. DH is home in 10 mins (we're not in U.K. it's later here) then we will eat. Both DC are exhausted and 7 year has caved and gone to get ready. DS's lessons start at 715 tomorrow so he has to be out early.

When they ask for dessert, WIBU to say, yes, but they have to wait as long as I had to wait for them to get washed and into pjs?

What matters is it is 2030, he is still not in bed and he has to start school at 715 tomorrow so needs to be up and out early. He is exhausted.

DH of course threw a fit there was a dessert that he couldn't eat because I said DS couldn't have it and he didn't think it fair to eat a dessert in front of DS. Mainly because he deliberately pushed DC2 of the back of the sofa, secondarily he wasn't ready for bed. DH had a go at me for disturbing DC2 by telling off DS for pissing around in the bath.

But if you are waiting for your dh to come home anyway then surely he'd be in bed at this time anyway?

did you r 7 year old eat?

Of course the 7 year old ate. Same time as the rest of us. Was in bed by 8 and is now fast asleep.

I also agree with no dessert.

I'm a natural consequences advocate.

"Ds it took it 40 minutes to change for bed this evening when it should take 10. Therefore you haven't got time for dessert as dinner time must be shortened by 30 minutes."

I'd then end it with a positive like "but i know you can change quicker so I'm sure tomorrow you won't miss dessert"

I think children will work out for themselves how to achieve what they want if they are left to it rather than the battle becoming their main focus.

Something I do with DS when he is deliberately messing about is to set a stopwatch on my phone so he can see the screen and I make him aware that whatever time is showing by the time he does get into bed will be deducted off his bedtime the following evening. He hates to think he's missing out on even a minute of the day so its usually enough to convince him.

I also tell him that bedtime means time to go to bed. If he isn't tired then he can read but he must be in his bed while doing it. That helps get around any of the "but I'm not tired" discussions.

When he was younger we had three "get out of bed free" cards which sounds an utter faff but he has ASD and really responded to 'official' stuff like that. He could get out of bed for any reason up to a maximum of ten minutes and hand a card over for it, we allowed it but he had to be back in bed by the end of the ten minutes. Once all three cards were used he had to stay in bed and couldn't get back up except for the toilet. Any unused cards could be cashed in the following day for ten minutes of screen time per card. It really cut down on a lot of the messing around at bedtime and DH and I could tolerate him being up and down the stairs because we knew it would only be for a maximum of thirty minutes until all of his cards were used up. After a couple of weeks he realised he'd rather have the rewards so started keeping them to cash in the following day.

Do they have to eat with you and DH every night? I would honestly feed them earlier on and let them do their own thing while you and DH eat together then all eat together at weekends when getting ti bed by a certain time isn't as important.

My ds is 10 and goes to his bedroom for 8.30 with lights out at 9pm. We leave the house at 7.30am in the morning, his school starts at 8am.
It’s possible you need to rethink your evening schedule.
However disobedience shouldn’t be tolerated and I would have given a consequence.

You're making your children eat too late and it's ridiculous to make them change into pyjamas before dinner imo

In the winter all my kids are in their PJ's by 6.30 unless they are going out to cubs or whatever. It's the first thing they like to do as soon as they've had tea, they do it themselves. I can't see what's strange about that. I even put my own on if I don't have to go out.

I think it's too late for them to eat. On school nights, my DC eat their dinner together at 4.30/5pm. We eat once they're in bed. My ds is 11 and needs to be in bed by 8.30 otherwise he can't get up in time.

I would make desert a reward for getting ready for bed in good time. The consequences of getting ready for bed when asked wil be you getting desert. The consequences of not getting ready for bed within (insert reasonable timeframe of your choice) will be no desert.

I don't think food should be used as a punishment or a reward as it builds unhealthy associations, if it was me I'd be looking at alternative sanctions/consequences for messing around.

I think it's too late for them to eat. On school nights, my DC eat their dinner together at 4.30/5pm. We eat once they're in bed. My ds is 11 and needs to be in bed by 8.30 otherwise he can't get up in time

Why would you need to eat dinner at 5pm to be in bed by 830?! My nephews are the same age and eat dinner at 1830 (snack after school), then showers and PJs etc and manage to be in bed by then. Everyone can eat as a family which is much nicer

Dinner is served at a certain time. PJs can be after. If you are not at the table you don’t eat. Easy

Twice a week we don't get home until 1840 .

My ds is 10 and goes to his bedroom for 8.30 with lights out at 9pm. We leave the house at 7.30am in the morning, his school starts at 8am
Ok, but DS's school starts at 715, so him supposed to be in bed for 8, lights out 830 isn't really any different.

Why would you need to eat dinner at 5pm to be in bed by 830?! My nephews are the same age and eat dinner at 1830 (snack after school), then showers and PJs etc and manage to be in bed by then.

My DC are hungry after school and would want to snack all evening if they didn't eat their meal early and my dh doesn't get home until 7.30pm.

I think in treating him like a 5 year old, it’s having an adverse effect OP.
Let him get ready for bed when it’s bedtime.