DD6 keeps giving things away!

[SlightlySleepy]

Every time DD gets something nice in school, she gives it away to a boy in her class. Last week, they were all given prizes for good behaviour in class. He got a prize and so did she. She gave hers to him but he did not reciprocate.

A few weeks ago there was a sale of cute things in school, so I gave her a few pounds and when she came home, I asked where her toy was, but she had given it to him.

I asked her today why she keeps giving everything to this boy. She said that he loves her and wants to marry her. Yet, whenever I have asked her who she played with, she mentions his name maybe once or twice a year. She has always invited him to birthday parties, but he has never reciprocated. She has never been to his house, nor to any parties or anything. I can't see any evidence to suggest that they are friends, except that she gives him things.

He is quite a dominant boy and everybody seems to love him, and I think she really admires him. However, I think it's entirely one-way.
I don't think he's asking for things. I think she's just so desperate to be his friend that she's doing whatever it takes.

When I spoke to her about it, I explained that that's not how friendships work and if she always gives him her things, this may make him like her less because he doesn't have to be nice to her or play with her as she will give him presents anyway. He has no incentive to respect her. I said please stop giving things to him, but she said she thinks that she will continue.

I'm so sad that this is happening, I feel like I must have parented her in such a way that she's content to be someone's doormat. What can I do? Am I overreacting?

Perhaps she doesn't care much about things...

I had to teach one of mine not to give things away as aside from 2 specific soft toys he doesn't really have any attachment to items (unlike his brother who gets very stressed if things leave the house and will only allow outgrown toys and clothes to be given to his siblings, not removed from the house... This creates an interesting domino effect... )

If she does care about the things she's giving away then obviously she needs help understanding that you can't buy friends - there are some social skills workbooks as well as story books on Amazon around the issue of friendship in this age range which might help.

Additionally I'd talk to the teacher and if the boy is pleasant and we'll meaning the teacher will be able to ask him to kindly turn down future offers of gifts and the teacher can spend 5 minutes talking to the class about not giving away personal property or accepting gifts of property from classmates during school time.

Can she be encouraged perhaps to be kind by letting theboy play with the toy for a short while, - would that satisfy her need to share with him ?

She sounds very kind and also as if she isn't that bothered by things (which are good traits obviously) but at 6 of course they aren't very good at knowing the monetary value or replaceability of things.

I think chats about friendship being a two way thing, and about ways you can show you like someone other than giveing them things (paying a compliment or doing a nice thing etc.)

It's very hard I know - I had one the same he was always giving stuff to other children, or 'lending' quite expensive toys (that of course we never got back) he was still doing it as a teen (A girl would only have to say 'I like your hat/scarf whatever and he'd give it to her) which was mildly annoying when I'd bought them for him in the first place !

He's now an adult, and a very kind generous one, always happy to give of his time to help people.

I think you have to try to find a balance between encouraging her lovely generous kind nature, and giving her the tools not to let herself be taken advantage of. Which is hard whne she's only six, but all you can do is keep reiterating about not giving everything away and she'll get it eventually. As a cautionary note obviously don't let her take anything of any value sentimental or monetary into school. Cold she make little 'you are my friend' cards or drawing or similar so she has something to give that won't be missed.

I never thought about looking at social skills books, so thank you for the suggestion. I was watching her play in the playground today (I only saw her for a minute or two as I walked past) and the whole time she was running up to friends and throwing her arms around them as they ran away. She seems to think her role in life is to pursue friends and thinks it's normal that they run away. I might have just seen her at an unfortunate time, and I hope she plays in a more balanced way normally. I was bullied a lot at school, so I'm really worried that I've passed on my crap social skills to her.
I think she is a bit indifferent about the things she gives away, but equally I think it's an attempt to buy his friendship. She doesn't give presents to anyone else.

Thanks @KurriKurri I think encouraging her to lend is a good idea. I'll also talk to her about compliments and I like the idea of making him a card (although it does still feel like she gives him something in return for friendship).

The things she gives him have little monetary value, so I'm not worried about her giving things away, I just wish she would give them to people who actually are her friends rather than this one boy. I have nothing against the boy and I think he does like her, I just think that he likes her a bit and she is one of his many admirers.

I kind of butchered the conversation with her because I was trying to phrase it in a way she'd understand (I couldn't use words like 'respect' because she doesn't yet have a clear understanding of these words). I tried to use really simple words, so she'd understand what I was saying. But it got so simplistic, it stopped making sense. I wanted to say "if he likes you, he'll like you regardless of the gifts, and you run the risk of him respecting you less if you ply him with unreciprocated presents". I couldn't use those words so I said "stop giving him presents, he's not your friend, he's never even invited you to his birthday party or to a play date. If you give people presents but they don't give you anything back, then they like you less because they will get the presents even if they aren't kind to you".

Now she's sad because I basically told her that this boy that she adores doesn't even like her!

He might like her. One of mine was "that boy" (still is a bit - sporty - were abroad and our sports are competitive from the start and at primary he just used to win everything, but be embarrassed about it so it just became a running joke - he doesn't win everything at his huge secondary school but is still very sporty, tendancy to cruise academically, chatty to his age group but quiet with adults, friendly to everyone, accidental defender of the weak due to unbearable mental discomfort in the presence of perceived injustice to anyone) and liked everyone, but he'd never have invited a girl to his party or house at 6. He'd Also have been all tied up inside about bring given frequent unsolicited presents though and not known what to do without guidance at 6.

Tbh I believe the "be kind" thing is overegged. The boy doesn't need kind presents, he needs an adult to help him say no to the presents.

Your DD sounds sweet but a little socially immature and this is absolutely the time to help her with this.

Try one of the social skills friendship books. We used one about dealing with anger and frustration and upset and big feelings at about age 8 and it really helped.

Oh dear. How to explain "he's just not that into you" to an infatuated 6 year old...

I would definitely explain things to her. Maybe she has a little crush on him and you don't want her growing up thinking she has to do all this for a guy to like her (they should also be reciprocating). I know they are young now and not thinking of this....but it just makes me think that when she grows up, she might be eager to please and get taken advantage of. This goes with friends as well.

The thing is that this is a social skills isdue not a crush.

6 year olds typically do have a sense of personal space, and the running up to children and hugging them before they run off is more important than how she feels about the boy. It's likely he's just generally amenable to everyone and perhaps doesn't run away but waits for her to move on.

DD does need to learn 6 year old appropriate peer interaction. Some children actively need to be taught what most just "pick up".

Go in and talk to her teacher, and get some books.

Thank you everyone for your advice.

I agree Agnes, on reflection I think it is a problem with social skills, and not so much to do with the boy. I'll have a look at some books with her. She often tells me that she can't find her friends in the playground, so I wonder if she's just a bit too full on so they kindly avoid her instead of telling her to go away.

Starlight, this is exactly the way my extrapolated thoughts have gone. The last thing I want is a girl who will put up with anything and give and give to a man, and think it's normal and ok to get next to nothing in return. Me and her dad are certainly not like that.

Sometimes I think I've been too strict on her and so she will put up with anything because that's what she's used to. The next minute, I think I've been too lenient and she's used to doing whatever she wants with no consequences and that's why she's not noticing the feelings of others. But who knows? I'll talk to her about it, it's hard to know whats going on. It's one thing to say "stop hugging people against their will, stop giving so many presents..." but I need to say what she should be doing instead, which is harder to advise on. I've told her to see how her friends interact with each other and try to emulate that, but it's a bit woolly...

I said please stop giving things to him, but she said she thinks that she will continue.

Don't make it her choice. I may be barking up the wrong tree but can you take hthe choice away and just tell (not ask) her not to keep giving stuff away without all the analysis, just make it a rule.

She sounds such a sweetheart but it sounds like you need to set some boundaries for her and give her a firmer steer.

but I need to say what she should be doing instead

Does she need to be doing anything at all? It seems as if you're projecting adult emotional scenarios onto a situation involving little children. Keep it simple

I'm sorry if I'm reading this wrong.

After reading your post, @stCharlotte, I went and told her to stop giving things away. She agreed, there was no arguing or even asking why. I don't know why that didn't occur to me before

Regarding your second post, I think you are reading it wrong. I don't mean what she should be doing in terms of her adoration of this boy, I mean what she should be doing socially. I'm wondering if maybe she wants to interact with other children, can't think of what to do, so chases after them, giving them (possibly) unwanted hugs and pulling their coats when they run away. If I give her a list of 'don'ts' then she may end up just standing there not knowing what to do.

For example, I remember being a small child and I wanted the teacher's attention, so I tapped her on the shoulder (she was sitting down). She turned to me and said "don't tap me, I'm not a dog". So then I stood there not knowing what to do. There was a 'don't', but no alternative offered. If she'd have said "call me Mrs X instead", I could have done that, but she didn't, so I stood there like a lemon.

I didn't want to give DD a list of things she can't do with other children without making some suggestions of good ways of playing. I don't want her to stand like a lemon in the playground!

I'm glad the big giveaway may have been halted and I see what you mean about offering alternatives to some of her "over" affectionate behaviour.

I think you mentioned about seeing how other children interact. Which makes sense. I guess children absorb a lot of this unconsciously but not always and sometimes need a little guidance. Is she comfortable chatting with her peers and this boy? Maybe that's all she needs to do.

www.amazon.co.uk/Learning-About-Friendship-Training-Functioning/dp/1849051453?tag=mumsnetforu03-21 This is intended for children withthe form of ASD formerly known as Asperger's, but resources for children with autism spectrum disorders can very often be useful for all children struggling with social skills.

There are stories about personal space in a friendship context in the book - obviously not all the stories will be relevant but reading ones about things she already does well may boost her confidence and self esteem, alongside reading about things she needs to practice/ learn.

The book has a section for parents before each read aloud/ together story and is intended to provoke discussion between you and your child. It might help you structure talking to her about what to do as well as what not to do.

Yes, she's comfortable talking with any other children. Thank you for the book suggestions, I've been looking into them. This has been really helpful. Thank you!