Why can’t I just grow a back bone

[namexhanfeagain9999]

Name change as outing as the people are on here.

I’m sick of being asked for favours all the time which put me out and people automatically assume I’m just okay to do it. I can’t never seem to find my back bone and say no as it’s favours that don’t massively put me out but means I have to get ready and set off earlier and do more driving around just to help someone else out when they are perfectly capable of sorting themselves out.

I’m pissed off with it and pissed off with myself that I just can’t seem to say no and everything is a yes ok I’ll do it! Actually feel like crying coz I’m such a fucking wimp and I hate to put others out or say no but they’re okay to do it to me! And it’s been this way for quite sometime which is probably why I’m struggling to break the cycle.

I always think I need a good reason to not do the favour I.e not at home or whatever but aibu to just flat out say no I don’t want to do a favour because I don’t actually want to do it! It’s getting to the point where it’s every day someone wants a favour doing at my cost of time/petrol/effort. But the times I do say no I get a load of waffle down the phone. Why am I such a. Push over 😭

Oh OP I feel for you. You've been trained into being this way. Practice saying no in the mirror, do it until you don't feel silly anymore and it'll get easier. Next step after that is to ask a kind friend to help you practice. Have them ask you something, and you say no! Practice practice, you'll get there. It's not so scary to do it after you've done it the first time and you'll feel so empowered.

Get a phrase that works for you, like
I'll think about it
I'll let you know when I've checked my diary
I've too much on that week.

I know MN roolz say 'No is a complete sentence', but it's hard to do that at first. Start gently by pushing back.

Maybe even
Yes, if you can babysit on Thursday!
I will if you do (xyz) for me.

I never need anyone to do anything for me as I am an adult and sort my own shit out and take pride in the fact I don’t need to rely on anyone to wipe my ass. Fair enough waiting in for a parcel or something but it just seems these days my favour doing outweighs what I get in return and it’s really starting to f. Me off. Just had a big rant to my dp who agrees. I wouldn’t dream of relying so heavily on another person to get my day to day business done just because it benefits me and I cringe at the thought of being such a beg. How can people feel so comfortable asking favour upon favour.

The problem is people ring me and ask me directly on the phone (also decided I’m not answering the phone to these people in the future), and I don’t feel like I have enough time to think of a reason why I can’t nip to the shop for them or something or other. It’s favours that are so flaming small they turn it round to make me look like I’m being unreasonable as it’s ‘only 2 mins down the road in your car’ or something similar. It’s annoying and I’ve decided today enough is enough and I’m not gonna be anyone else’s push over. So much so I’ve left the washing up for dp to do when he finishes work coz am sick of doing it 😂 my dp says if it doesn’t benefit me then don’t do it, fair enough if I’m going that way but when I’ve reached my destination then the CF has to make the rest of their journey. It’s ok adding on minutes and miles to my journey but they never think of the wear and tear o my car, the petrol and time for me to get back to doing what I was originally doing. Probably sound really juvenile but it’s the straw that’s broken the camels back.

With things like that, I answer 'no thank you. I don't fancy it'.

You've been honest and you've been nice about it, too. It doesn't prompt a great deal of follow-up questions, either.
And surely it's the best reason of all, to decline something??

Give it a go, OP.

I will try it! Otherwise the list of favours will never end!

My dad use to decline my favour asking all the time and I use to wonder why and he told me that if he said yes to all these little favours he ended up planning his free time around other people and that’s not how it should it be

Try not to say ‘Sorry but I’ve alrwafy got plans’ or whatever as sorry turns it around into your problem.

So a ‘thank but I’ve already got plans that this will interfere with but I’m sure you’ll do it really well’ is a better start - thank you because it confuses them - they’re expecting to be the one ending the conversation with a thank you so you saying thank you at the start of the conversation helps to shut down the conversation before it has started. Saying you have plans is always going to be true - you don’t need to say what they are - particularly when the plans are to stay in and put your feet up and not run around after anyone else. Then throwing it back to them helps to reinforce that it’s them not youthst needs to be doing the task.

While you are sitting not doing their tasks, take a moment to tally up what you have done for cfs In the last week/year/month. Work out the time it has taken you from getting up from the sofa to sitting down again - not just actual driving time. Plus note the miles done - work out at 45p a mile which I think is current tax mileage allowance. And as it’s not official add a 20p a mile surcharge if you’re doing these jobs in rush hour so taking longer so costing more in petrol and wear and tear.
Then work out how much it is costing you and use that as a kick in the teeth to help you say no and get your life back.

Try these, they work for me

1- No
2- Why No? because I said so.
3- Why have I said so? Because I have said so.

Never give a reason, never give them an opening to argue.

Eg...
CF = blah blah blah favour give
Me = NO!

Job done

The more you say yes, the harder it is to say no. You e had good advice about practicing some techniques for avoiding the yes word. Practice in front of the mirror. Write down some phrases and have them ready by the phone.

I can’t, I’m afraid, I’ve already got plans for that day / week.
Not this time, afraid, I’m busy and won’t have the time .
Ah, sorry, no, I can’t.

From what you've said here OP, it's sounds like that backbone is coming along just fine! You have it all planned out and just need to start doing it, and then you can enjoy some well deserved rest from the demands! Good on you!

You could learn to be cheeky with practice ..

Goodness, that’s the third time you’ve asked me to help out this month ... sounds like you need a full time gopher [insert tinkly laugh], perhaps I should send you my day rate?