am i right to be sad or just overthinking it?

[tma1968]

hi ive sbeen struggling with my problem for about 18 months now. what i cant decide is whether im over reacting or within my rights to feel so upset. i will say im 51 and probably menopausal. my anxiety over this is through the roof. its quite complicated to explain so i will try and keep it simple.i had a baby girl 10 years ago and 3 months later my neice by marriage had one too. we live near to each other and both girls were cared for together by their nanna and have always had a lovely close relationship. my neice then had 2 more daughters and we have enjoyed lots of family occasions together and also had caravans on the same site. our girls then started dance school together. i then started to notice that my niece became friendy with 2 other mums as they all had children of similar ages who had become friends. this led to them arranging days out etc to which me and my daughter were never invited. my niece is 20 years younger than me, i didnt have my daughter till i was 40 but im very outgoing and young for my age. no-one believes im 51. while i appreciate that they are friends and im just an aunty and aquaintance of the others i cannot understand why my daughter is left out. im a hairdresser and do my nieces hair and one of the other mums too so i know them well. its not as though we never speak. her mother is also one of my best friends and ive known my neice and her sister since they were 8 and 5. i dont want to be their best mate because i have my own mates, i would just like my daughter, who is one of the group (or so she thinks) to be considered when they are making plans. the worst occasion was when my neice took her 3 children and the other 3 mums in the group with all the children (7 in total) to a birthday day out to a local theme park and didnt tell me. when i asked her why (i hit the roof) i was told she wasnt invited because it was the middle nieces birthday (she was 5 and my girl was 9 at the time) and the older girls were only there because the mums went. the whole group and all the cousins went and my little girl was left out! i was made to feel like i was in the wrong for kicking off and i ended up saying sorry. (im livid about that now) the following year, knowing how upset my child was, she did same thing and left her out again. my child got wind of it and sobbed her heart out again asking me 'mum why arnt i invited? im family' there is one other cousin but shes not close primarily because she's not invited to anything. i know it says more about my niece than me (i would take 100 kids rather than see one left out and upset) but that doesnt help my anxiety levels. in the last month this clique have been to the theatre, 2 concerts and a trip to blackpool and they have booked butlins for a few days next year (i wouldnt go to that anyway). they dont all go to all of the things (my niece does and is the arranger) but my girl gets invited to NONE of the things. the kids love each other. they have a brilliant time when they are together so i cannot get my head round it. does my niece not like my child? i made a group chat in summer saying if you are going out for the day etc can you let me know, i made it a jolly msg and they all said yeah, sound, we'll arrange something but none of us had time so nothing came of it. my problem is that i have now developed extreme anxiety about this. im terrified to open my facebook in case theres more pictures of them at another event that my girl hasnt been invited too. its absolutely ruined my life. i think about it 24/7 and have imaginary conversations with my niece over it. my daughter thankfully is completely unaware and as far as i know doesnt realise whats happening. half of me says sod them, my girl has loads of other friends and a busy life, but the other half wants to intergrate myself into the group so shes not left out. i feel like m going insane. i'd appreciate any advice. im clinging on to the thought that they get older and going places with mums will stop soon. there is no issue with the kids its the mums! im not sure if they are aware of what they are doing and dont care or are totally unaware! all i know is that this has taken over my life and im on the edge. all i want to do is stop stressing over this. some of my friends tell me im right to be so angry and upset and then others look at me like im mad and cant see any issue. i must stress i get on really well with these people SO WHY DONT THEY INVITE MY KID????

You're way over thinking this.

its absolutely ruined my life

REALLY?

Stop looking at FB for a start.

They are not obligated to include your DD in everything they do, and as you've identified, you're a full 20 years older than them. So if they're having a weekend away, maybe they assume that you wouldn't want to go for that reason?

Either way, stop stressing about this so much. Maybe see your GP for some help with your anxiety?

And focus on helping your DD with her other friendships.

I think you need to take a massive step back. This is about your DD not being included, this is about a group of women who are friends and want to hang out with each other, and you aren't invited because you aren't a part of the friendship group. The girls are all just side pieces in this.

If your DD has other friends, and you have other friends, focus on them. Hang out with your niece when the opportunities arise, but don't force it.

You're way overthinking this. They're not doing anything wrong to you or your DD. Don't ruin the relationship for no reason. People have different friendship groups and that's completely normal and fine. I hope you feel better soon.

*This isn't , not this is!

I skim read this because it’s too hard to read, use paragraphs.

Basically you’re 51 and your niece is 20 years younger. So even though you have kids the same age you’re really like her mum as you’re so much older. She wants to be friends with people her age. She doesn’t want to hang out with someone her mums age often. Quite normal.

Also are you really 51 or is this a wind up? Because I don’t know any 51 year olds who get all drama lama about this sort of thing, it sounds all teenage angsty.

@tma1968

Don't mean to sound horrible, but you sound like you need some kind of counselling or therapy. This will start affecting your daughter.

You sound very irrational and highly strung on your post, and I expect this comes across to people you know in real life.

Kids - and people in general - get left out all the time, for a myriad of reasons. You being an 'older mum' is probably nothing to do with it.

Your niece has no reason to include your daughter.

In the nicest possible way..... get a life. Make new friends, and stop investing so much in what your niece does - or doesn't do.

And encourage your daughter to make other friends. It's not healthy to be so focused on her being BFFs with your niece's daughter anyway.

I can understand that you would be a bit upset about this, but to say it has ruined your life is really over the top.
You say your daughter has other friends so can you concentrate on doing things with them?
I know it hurts when you are left out but your reaction seems way out of proportion. If you usually react to things like this perhaps this is why they have not invited you.

If they get on well, I think that you should concentrate on nurturing your daughter's friendship with your niece's daughter by arranging playdates or days out between the two of them, as well as encouraging your daughter's other friendships. I think it sounds like your niece and the three other mums are friends and you don't know the other mums. I doubt your daughter knows the kids of the other mums that well either? In that case, I don't think you can expect to be invited. It's horrible feeling left out, but in this instance I'd just concentrate on your own and your daughter's friends.

If you want her to be involved in things, maybe make an arrangement yourself? Or just be the adult, ensure your DD has other friends and opportunities to be social and stop being so dramatic ‘terrified to open FB’ - really?

@tma1968 I also agree that your niece is a generation younger than you, and probably doesn't want to be your mate. Sorry...

Step back now before this impacts your daughter. You say she has lots other activities & friends let her get on with it. Remove yourself from their groups block them on Facebook you come across as needy & clingy. I had my DC3 at 43 & she's in playschool now I notice 10-20 yr age gap in some of the moms & def the younger ones hang more together & just have more in common with each other. If am asked to something I go if I can & enjoy their company but I know they've their own circle n wouldn't dream of hanging off them!

I can see where you coming from, I get it.
You feel or you feel your daughter is left out .
But logically these mums and your niece is as you say are 20 yrs younger so I presume they feel like maybe you are like a mother figure to them and they may not want that?
I am probably one of the oldest mums in my child’s class ( 45) and some of the younger mums are in their twenties hang out together which I fully get and understand and I would never ever dream to even ask them to go out with them.
So maybe this is the reason?

yes you are all correct and its what i needed to hear. in my mind it was about a child being excluded but it isnt its about mums being friends. it does hurt though when your child sobs her heart out. it hurts a lot. and yes i do have the big girls over and take them out sometimes. my girl also has a large group of school friends and does lots of things with them. i have a doc app on wed next week to speak about my anxiety. ive never felt like this before. im a very strong confident person usually. this has really got to me. 'its ruined my life' was a slight exageration lol but just my way of expressing how sad i feel for my child. she has no idea i feel this way. im very grateful for your honesty. thanks, i feel better already :)

Very glad to hear you have an appointment for your anxiety (and that your DD has lots of other friends; that's great). And glad you're feeling a little bit better.

I found your OP really difficult to read because of lack of paragraphs but from what I've understood I think you really need to take a step back.

Family or not, you dont have to be invited to everything and neither does your daughter. It would probably be best if you expanded your circle of friends and did things with them instead.

it does hurt though when your child sobs her heart out.

Didnt you ay she is unaware this is happening?

But these aren't family days out, it's your niece and her own friends having days out with their kids. Which is fine - she is allowed to have a group of friends. I don't think she is obligated to invite all family children along.

If you want family days out why don't you invite your niece and her daughter to do something with you? Do you ever make a plan and invite her daughter?

You are definitely overthinking things, your daughter has her own friendship group so I would concentrate on helping to maintain and develop that. I hope the GP can offer you some help.

"helping her"

It's nothing to do with your child, your niece isn't excluding her, she just doesn't consider you to be part of her social circle that's all. She doesn't invite you which means your dd doesn't get invited.

I think you need to find some mummy friends of your own and start socialising with them.

You said your dd sobbed because she wasn't invite. You need to be careful you don't pass your insecurities into her, at that age my dd, if not invited to a party would have shrugged and not given it another thought

I'd guess you must have already passed some of this on to your daughter. You quickly need to adjust your thinking to only focus on your DD's current friends who do want to socialise. A child being not invited to days out really isn't the end of the world. Try to put it in perspective. Your DD isn't batting a major illness, she isn't being bullied, she's growing up in a privileged western country with lots of opportunities.
Please don't minimise this when you see your GP. He/she can only help if you say how much you've been obsessing about this. Best of luck.
And yes, delete Facebook!

So is your daughter upset about this or unaware, you’ve said she’s both sobbing her heart out over it and then said she’s totally unaffected in the next post ? Which is it? Are you upset because your daughter is being left out of a friendship group or because YOU are?

Do you think it stems from feeling like an outsider because you’re older than most mums ? Could you find some friends with kids who are a similar age to you ?

Do all these mums and their kids still go to the dance school with your daughter ? Is there an issue of cliquey behavior at dancing ?