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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abortion regret.

20 replies

Mogismissing1 · 13/11/2019 09:09

In may last year I had an abortion. I’m married, 38 and have 2 children and DH. At the time I was consumed by emotions. I was scared of a third C Section. Terrified. My children are over 10, DH in his early 50’s. Money is tight. All these reasons seem pathetic right now. ..It was the hardest thing to do. And didn’t feel right. I’ve regularly been tearful since. Two close friends recently had babies and holding them was so painful. I feel ridiculous and ungrateful. Like I don’t know myself. How could I have done this?
Now all I want to do is have a baby. My age is relevant. If I had been more confident. I’d have had the baby. I’m scared about my age..
Has anyone gone through similar?
Please don’t be cruel. I feel bad enough.

OP posts:
theboxfamilytree · 13/11/2019 09:15

Having difficult emotions and grief doesn't necessarily mean you made the wrong decision, it means you had to make a really difficult decision and now you're processing your feelings about it.

Not everything we have to decide in life is a decision between feeling blissfully happy afterwards and feeling devastated afterwards. Sometimes we just have to choose the least bad path, which means afterwards we can be really distressed and grieving still.

You've asked us not to be cruel, are you managing to do the same for yourself? You deserve kindness right now - from yourself as much as other people. Flowers

StripeyTopRedLips · 13/11/2019 09:16

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP. For what it’s worth, I hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself. Whenever I’ve had regret over past decisions I try remind myself that I made the best decision I could with the information I had at the time, and that there’s no guarantee I’d feel any better or things would have turned out more positively if I’d done the alternative either. You did what you thought was best at the time 💜

Are you genuinely hoping to have another child? What does your DH think? I’d go see your GP or get in touch with an organisation that provides counselling to really try and talk this through with someone, somebody trained to help you understand your emotions and find a way to move forwards with your life, as I think from what you’ve said you’d really benefit from some professional support that can go deeper than a forum. And hopefully it’ll give you some clarity around what you want from the future and help you to forgive yourself (if you think that’s what you need).

StripeyTopRedLips · 13/11/2019 09:17

Having difficult emotions and grief doesn't necessarily mean you made the wrong decision, it means you had to make a really difficult decision and now you're processing your feelings about it.

This is so wise and so true 💛

Original poster
Mogismissing1 · 13/11/2019 09:21

DH is vey kind about it. No blaming me. But to be honest his response just upsets me more. He says things like.. We can’t regret past decisions , you did what you thought was right. I know it’s the sensitive thing to say. But the feeling that I made the WRONG decision isn’t easy to carry.

OP posts:
Livebythecoast · 13/11/2019 09:28

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.
At the time your reasons were real and valid. You did what you felt was right at the time.
I had a termination (contraception fail) because my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my DD was 14 months at the time. I just felt I couldn't cope looking after my Mum, a toddler and work. Nearly 14 years later I still regret it as I never went on to have another child. At the time for me, it was the right decision.
Please forgive yourself Flowers

AmIThough · 13/11/2019 09:29

Does he want a baby? Can you afford it? Will it negatively impact your children's lives? Do you honestly want another baby or are you just sad that you chose to have an abortion?

Because honestly having an abortion doesn't make you a bad person and you DID do what you thought was right, and it's completely 100% normal to be upset and regretful.

If you do both want a baby, try for one. The abortion makes no difference because the situation is different now to what it was then. You've spoken about things now rather than an accident that you couldn't comprehend.
Don't make a decision just based on your regret though.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 13/11/2019 09:32

Having difficult emotions and grief doesn't necessarily mean you made the wrong decision, it means you had to make a really difficult decision and now you're processing your feelings about it

This is so true.

Areyoufree · 13/11/2019 09:35

@theboxfamilytree I love this. One of the best posts I have read on here.

StrictlyNameChangin · 13/11/2019 09:37

I don't have any experience, but just wanted to offer a hand hold Flowers

indiecoop · 13/11/2019 09:47

Really beautiful post Boxfamilytree, made me a little tearful as it is so true.

Squirrelplay · 13/11/2019 09:54

So sorry you're struggling OP. I too had a termination in May, I also have two children and it was a very difficult decision to make (I actually cancelled the appointment twice before finally deciding to go through with it).

I initially thought it was the right decision but when I found out that two of my closest friends were pregnant and due the same month as I would have been, I had a very low few weeks filled with sadness and regret... while of course I'm so happy for my friends (they don't know about the termination) I was so sick to my stomach that their children will always serve as a reminder of what I've done/what could have been.

Now that some more time has passed and my head is somewhat clearer, I can see that it was probably the right decision at that time but like theboxfamilytree said it's still going to cause grief and distress. Lean on your DH for support, mine didn't support the decision and won't engage on the topic so I've no one to speak to about it, but I imagine it would help if you're able to process it by talking through things with him. Be kind to yourself Flowers

justmyview · 13/11/2019 10:10

wise words from @theboxfamilytree and others

Original poster
Mogismissing1 · 13/11/2019 10:13

Seeing my friends just getting on with it has been like salt in a wound. Both are in more financial difficulty than me, neither has a great partner. Both are overjoyed and feel able to face the future. Their homes have that lovely new baby/ excited new future feeling. Not sure that makes sense.. It makes me feel like a coward. An ungrateful spoilt immature idiot.

OP posts:
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 13/11/2019 10:34

OP I totally sympathise. It bloody hurts. I had a termination in 2012. Dc were 4 and 9 months old. I was 39 and had I had it we would have had to sell our house as we could not afford to have 2 in full time nursery for all those yrs. I have to work ft as I was main breadwinner.

DH is self employed and wasn't doing well then.

12m later and DHs business was flying, could have easily afforded it.

I still beat myself up but at the time I had to focus on making sure my kids had a roof over their heads.

No answers but I really understand how you feel. Would talking to someone professionally help?

KatherineE · 23/07/2020 22:52

theboxfamilytree I know your post was some time ago, you may not even use this site anymore, however I have just stumbled upon your words, and they have helped me so much. Thank you.

GhostCurry · 23/07/2020 23:01

Are you ok Katherine? Flowers

Omshanti37 · 28/09/2020 13:00

I came across this thread and wanted to see how you are doing? I am of a similar age and had a similar situation last year. I am still processing it. I completely feel your pain and hope you are coping ok..
I am frustrated with my past self but equally think, i made the decision with what information I had at the time. I hope you are healing x

Mini76 · 16/02/2021 00:53

Abortion regret

I had a termination a year ago and I feel such overwhelming regret. I feel like I’ve loss part of my soul. I hadn’t been seeing my partner long and we broke up. I found out I was pregnant, he got drunk and told me he didn’t love me and I should get a termination. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do so I thought a termination was for the best, then he came back. I didn’t know what to say so I said I had a miscarriage. I feel overwhelming guilt everyday. I thought I couldn’t do it on my own but I could of. We have been trying for a baby the last six months with no success and I’m worried that was our only chance and I’ve ruined everything. I have nobody to talk to about this and I feel very low.

Fergmac4 · 16/02/2021 03:46

I feel your pain. You should not blame yourself! I also am still with the sane man that I had first child/ abortion with.it haunts me subconsciously every day but time is a healer and something has to give! Your probably a lovely person so please. Don’t be hard on yourself xx

Fergmac4 · 16/02/2021 03:50

But I will say .... it does change you and I feel different x I married the man that said it me or the baby! X

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