To still go on this holiday?

[Shinnoo]

I am not sure what to do. I am supposed to be going on a cheap trip next year with another single parent family which is all about teaching our kids (my dc are 5 and 10, her da is 9) to ski. Its cost efficient and looks as though the two boys will have a lot of fun, and hopefully my youngest will have a chance to enjoy learning too.
She and I get on fairly well although not close.

We have spent a few days out together, kids bday parties etc after meeting eachother on holiday a few years ago.

The problem is my two dc are going through a particularly difficult patch - both are challenging to be around for long periods. Ds can become very pushy and demanding and will not take no for an answer, while DD has huge meltdowns. I am sure this is my fault as a lone parent I cannot deny I am struggling to meet all their needs and feel terrible about it. they are also suffering as their df has experienced multiple bereavements in his new dw's family and it has really hit everyone hard. I am fully sympathetic and feel for my ex and his new family as they have had a terrible time.

My DC and I are muddling along but it's hard with plenty of tantrums and i am having to take a hard line at times as well as being as extra loving as possible.

Friend witnessed a lot of this when she stayed a couple of weekends ago. To the extent I think she said the following in a round about way:. 'what I am most worried about is the damage that is being done to your own relationship with your children by your yo-yo parenting'

While this may be true, they were acting up particularly badly and aren't usually as bad

I was mortified and livid and found myself apologising and explaining all at once .

I should do everyone a favour and cancel shouldn't I or at the very least book somewhere completely separate but if I'm honest I don't even really want to go now.

While this may be true, they were acting up particularly badly and aren't usually as bad

To put some context to this, I think my son has realised that I am a softer touch when in the company of adult friends as I am not as focused and DD finds her routine is disrupted and finds it harder to settle when we have house guests , I guess.

I don't feel great about either of those facts as obviously it makes us a less than appealing family to spend time with

I should also say - it involves long travel and sharing an apartment once there

Just be honest with your friend (even though she sounds a tad judgy) do you have your own room? Or are you sharing?

Funnily enough, skiing of all holidays, seems to divert hideous behaviour. They have to concentrate and are distracted then knackered in the evening. Just go for it!

What did she mean by yo yo parenting - back and forth between parents, or not being consistent or something else?

I’m not sure I’d want to go away with someone judging me, particularly when it was a chance for her to be supportive instead! It sounds like you’d be on eggshells the whole time.

I think I’d focus on getting support, strategies that work with the kids, not feeling guilty and having fun with your family, rather than worrying about this holiday so perhaps cancelling is best!

That is encouraging! Yes it's a shared apartment. I doubt my daughter will ski much and will be super clingy and hate the snow. Then be tired and hysterical. Then I'll be shattered and my son will see a window of permissiveness and shoulder through it. Then friend will comment. And then I'll go ape shit

By yo yo parenting she meant that sometimes I change my mind after setting a rule

And no I don't really fancy being judged I will self conscious and embarrassed

Sounds shit OP, I wouldn’t go. Skiing is hard work with 2 parents doing it, let alone judgey friend commenting on your parenting!

If you're a Facebook user try joining the Therapeutic Parenting group to get some strategies in place to cope better with their behaviours. It's a really non judgemental group who in the main have children with challenging behaviour

I took my boys on holiday with a friend and her wider group of friends and can honestly say it was the worst holiday we’ve had for many reasons. Neither of my children would follow instructions, the week progressed, tiredness kicked in as the nights got later, they were physically exhausted and behaviour got much worse.

Never would I ever go on holiday with others again, our quality time was reduced and the focus wasn’t on them. We compromised a lot.

It's a big jump to go from just seeing each other locally to going skiing. Could you try something easier first? Something in uk? Then go from there. She only has one child to deal with!

Do you spend an inordinate amount of time ferrying your dc to various activities? If the bereavements in their df's new family have impacted on them what are you doing to address this?

Does the 'long travel' involve hours on a coach or train or will you be flying? Will you and your friend have your own bedrooms in the apartment and will the dc be expected to share? Are your dc looking forward to learning to ski and how much do you stand to lose if you don't go on this holiday?

What strategies could you put in place between now and then that would enable you to rise to the challenge of your dc acting out or being unreasonably demanding?

I tend to think that the novelty of being surrounded by snow and the concentration they will need to learn to ski will tire them out and you can always take them ice skating after their ski sessions to make sure they're well and truly exhausted and ready for some quiet downtime and bed when they get back to the apartment.

You may find that they're effectively 'changed children' when you have little else to do but to lavish attention on them and all they have to do is enjoy themselves while learning new skills.

I can honestly see it being an absolute shit show for all the reasons mixingitall wisely mentions.

There is no way on earth I would book a ski holiday for a my family if one child wouldn’t ski. What an enormous waste of money!
5 years old is great age to start skiing. On the basis that she won’t I just wouldn’t do it.

I think if you have different parenting strategies and values then a holiday sounds like a bad idea.

OTOH we as a family absolutely love skiing we all ski all day and are exhausted and happy and tucked up in bed by about 9/10pm

Sorry donkey shot cross post