To ask how to politely turn down charity?

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Without seeming ungrateful!

I have a child who has several disabilities. We are part of a local disabled childrens group who get gifts from our local radio stations mission christmas each year.

Every year my child gets given a huge bag of gifts from them and honestly 95% of it is unsuitable. My child is 15 so they cater for that age without considering that things may not be appropriate. My child loves Dora the Explorer, Peppa Pig, CBeebies etc to give you an idea of their level.

How can I ask the group we're part of not to include us this year as its sad watching child go through the bag wondering why they've been given things they don't understand and won't use. Previous gifts included mensa puzzles, make up, make your own kit type things etc.

Gifts are delivered to our homes so they won't be feeling left out if everyone else has a big bag of things and they don't plus they are with me 24/7 so can't avoid them being home when the bag is delivered.

I'm really trying not to sound ungrateful and I would rather the things were kept within the group so everyone else can get a little extra if appropriate and not giving them to charity shop or regifting each year which is not why people donated things to mission Christmas in the first place!

Can you not specify what your child would prefer rather than his/her age? People just aren’t aware of the preferences, clearly.

You are not being ungrateful. You are ensuring that their donations go to the right children. Can you contact them and say politely that, while it was a lovely thing when she was younger, you feel that the toys would be more appreciated by a younger child.

I think if you don't need the help, it's perfectly reasonably just to say you'd prefer the gifts went to a family who needed them more, but if it's just about the gifts being unsuitable, can't she go on a different list? i.e. the donors be asked to donate gifts suitable for her emotional age rather than her actual age?

Would it be on the phone or via email?

I think something like you are very grateful for all the support over the years, and would now like to ensure someone else in need gets the pleasure of gifts in your place.
Perhaps add you would like to stay on the email list in case you can ever provide advice or support or just to keep in touch, but you feel you have had your turns of receiving and would dearly love someone else to get the chance?

Can you say that as you have benefited for the last few years, you think other families should have the chance to benefit now before yours?

Bring it up with them, you can’t be the only one. You will stop them making that mistake again.

We are lucky enough that we can afford to buy our child gifts at the moment and not everyone may be as fortunate so I will go down that route I think and say we are extremely grateful for all past help received but can the gifts be passed on to others who would appreciate them more.

The mission Christmas people just get a list of sex of children and ages so they don't cater for emotional ages rather than physical ages and most bags have clothes in too so would end up with clothing age 6 (emotional age) for my strapping 15 year old which would be upsetting for them as it is every year when they open the bag.

I'm really trying not to sound like a bitch here I don't think I'm coming across too well

I don't think you're sounding like a bitch at all and your proposed response is absolutely fine.

I think it's fine to say you wouldn't like anything this year. You can always say its because you can afford to, and want to, buy your own presents rather than. Give any other reason.

I'd ask where mission Christmas get the list from in the first place as that seems the most sensible route to approach to ask the list to be split as you've said at source into physical age and emotional age so anything given caters for what the child wants / needs. Guarantee you won't be the only one with this issue and I'm sure the charity would much rather know their efforts were rewarded rather than not being useful to the recipients!

I think you have highlighted a very important issue in the way they allocate by age not interest or suitably. A carefully worded email would be extremely helpful to the charity imo.
Yanbu. Telling them so will make better use of the donations.

You are coming across as a parent who cares about their child and the kindness of strangers. You do not sound ungrateful or like a bitch at all!! Please be kinder to yourself.

I would do what others and yourself have suggested, honestly it's a solid plan and no one will be offended.

I would either explain to them that you are very grateful for the things received in previous years, but you would like to "opt out" this year and have the gifts donated to a more needy family. Or, if you think your DD would like to receive gifts that she can use, I would explain what you have said here, and ask if her details can be changed to receive toys aimed at a younger child, and clothing suitable for a 15 year old. I am sure they would be happy to help.

YANBU. In fact, this is the kind of thing that could really upset SEN parents. Honestly, I think this charity is absolutely shit, more about appearances than actually doing something useful. A well chosen gift and some clothing would be great, bags of inappropriate tat not so much.

I would politely decline this year and send them an email.

They just haven’t thought it through, and I’m sure you’re not the only one struggling. Feed back to the charity that it would be a huge help if they could take into account both actual age and emotional/interest age for children like yours.

I agree with a PP about feeding back to the charity, it sounds like a lovely idea and I'm sure they would be gutted to know that actually their bags aren't always appropriate for their giftees. It doesn't make you sound ungrateful at all, but thoughtful towards others and mindful of your daughter

Can you perhaps become a donator instead? No bother if that’s not what you want to do of course but it could be an idea?!

How about if I email the cofounder of the group and say something like:

While we are extremely grateful to be included and thought of each year we would rather not be included this year. DD has an emotional age well below her years and finds it upsetting to receive things inappropriate for her as I have to take them away. Please redistribute anything set aside for DD across the children of the group as you see fit and thanks again for including us in the past.

Could that be worded a bit better? Thanks again for all the advice it's really appreciated.

You don’t sound ungrateful. I’d probably just say you don’t need the gifts. But if you did want to give honest feedback it may help them improve their service. I’ve sent stuff to postpals before and they do a profile for each child we’re the parents can put likes and dislikes, emotional age etc and it works really well, so maybe they could look at adapting their scheme as your probably not the only family this is happening to and I’m sure they’d want to change that

If you think there are other children like your DD then phrasing it more as feedback so they can improve their service would probably do everyone a favour.

‘While we are extremely grateful to be included and thought of each year we would like to offer some feedback. Like many children at LocalChildren’sGroup, DD has an emotional age well below her years and finds it upsetting to receive things inappropriate for her as I have to take them away. Although she is aged 15 her interests such as Peppa Pig etc are more like a 4 year old’s. Would you consider taking into account the children’s emotional age as well as their actual age when selecting gifts? If that’s not possible this year, please don’t include us and redistribute anything set aside for DD across the children of the group as you see fit. Thanks again for all you do.’