My partners depression

[outtheway]

My partners depression is ruining our relationship, how I feel about him and is effecting my mental health.

We have DC and the youngest is 6 months old. I’m left feeling like a single mother. I do all the caring for our children, despite him being there the majority of the day, I do the cooking, the cleaning, everything.

It’s exhausting having no help, I can’t help but cry at my situation. He’s not the man I once loved and it’s hard to be with him.

His intolerance of me and the children upsets me beyond belief, he snaps, shouts, throws things at me. After these “episodes” there will be a snippet of the old him, he’ll realise what he’s done and apologise profusely, he will hate himself and promise to never do it again. And repeat.

I find it hard to juggle everything and try to support him. I hate myself for hating him as I know he can’t help it.

His depression started when our last DC was born and he sought no help until last week. The fact he wasn’t even trying to help himself for so long (I had made doctors appoints for him, he never went and I wasn’t able to take him) made me hate him more and I think during those months where he wasn’t accepting any help changed the way I felt about him and although he’s gotten help now, I don’t think they way I now feel will ever change.

I hate myself for hating him, I feel extremely selfish for the way I feel. I care about him, but I also care about myself and the children, and his behaviour towards us is unacceptable, especially to children who just don’t understand.

I love him but I long for the man he once was. AIBU? Am I selfish? Has anyone been in a similar situation and came out on the other side of things? Am I an awful partner? I think I’m looking for reassurance that things won’t always be this way.

I’d like to reiterate I fully understand and appreciate he cannot help the way he feels and the way he is behaving is all down to his mental health. I do not blame him but nevertheless it’s very hard for me to accept and I’m finding it hard to be there for him, the children and look after myself. Does anyone have any advice for how I can be a better partner to him too please? Thank you.

You’re not an awful partner, OP.
It’s a very difficult situation.
When our DS was born (4 yo) my husband was exactly as you describe although never threw things at me.
He didn’t dislike our son but he didn’t do anything to help and I felt like a single parent, too.
His depression was down to family illness on his side and his job, it was extremely difficult.
I mirror what you say about how I felt, but at the start of this year he started to help himself, he’s got himself a really good counsellor and is making really amazing progress, I had our daughter at the beginning of this year and he has been totally different with her, can’t help me enough.
It got to the point that I said to him I couldn’t do it anymore, many times I had my son in the car and he threatened suicide and said I was keeping him from his son etc.
It does get better but they need to want to help themselves, and even though it will be hard you need to help support him now he actually has started to help himself (if I’ve read your OP right)
It was very difficult for me to overcome that because of the way he had treated me but it can get better I promise.
I wouldn’t take him throwing stuff though, he may be snappy etc and whatever, but throwing stuff... bit too far in my opinion.
I really hope things get better for you OP.
It’s a very difficult situation to be in because you do feel awful for hating them but I can empathise completely

He can't help the way he feels but he CAN choose how he deals with these feelings. He sounds abusive. I really feel for you.

Op what is you financial position? Do you rent? How long has he not been working?

@Wherearemycrayons Thank you, you've given me hope that things can get better. I'm so glad things are improving for you too.

@Geppili

Posted too soon. @Geppili he's not been working for a few weeks now but I've felt like a single mom for a long time. Even when he was working he never helped on weekends, after work etc.

We're not in the best of positions financially, but we're managing. We own our house

@outtheway just read the bit about the way he’s behaved tainting you’re love for him, I felt like that too, I genuinely could of easily left him many times and I also began to hate him for the fact he would always say he would kill himself and stuff. We’ve had such honest conversations since him seeing a councillor and it made me cry how bad he’s feeling inside. His anger is bravado because he was scared of how he was feeling and says often in the moment he instantly regrets what he’s said or done but he’s fucked up so he may as well continue being horrendous if that makes sense.
What steps has he made by helping himself?

My DH had a breakdown 3 years ago, it’s been a horrendous journey. He was angry, blaming me constantly and wouldn’t see a GP or consider medication at all. I’ve spent many nights crying.

I’ve known him for 20 years so I knew this wasn’t the ‘real’ him. I once told him his behaviour was abusive and he was shocked. It prompted him to read some blogs and he then he understood my point of view. I’ve also felt like a single parent doing everything.

Long story short - I had to issue an ultimatum and then he started therapy. We also made a pact to never shout or be angry with each other.

Things have improved now, but we’re still not there yet. I have felt that I’ve lost respect and love for him as a partner. He’s not the man I married.

So....we’ve recently agreed that we would have no expectations from each other apart from friendship. Ive taken off my wedding ring. It probably sounds sad, but it’s actually been a huge relief and feels very liberating. I am supporting him as I care for him and want him to be well. But I no longer feel upset when he doesn’t fulfil his role as a ‘husband’. He can’t provide that right now.

We are getting on better than ever now and have even had some nighttime snuggles.

It is a cliche, but you must look after YOU. You can still be happy and do nice things for yourself.

He's abusing you and he's got zero excuses for his behavior. The fact he cries and apologizes is both proof of guilt and smacks of manipulation. I'd send him away until he has seriously addressed his anger and behavior

I suffer with it and my dh has had periods where he did as well. But in no instance have we ever abused each other and our DC. That is never acceptable. The fact that he apologizes when he crosses the line means he is fully aware of what he is doing, but yet doesnt seek help to not do that again?
Dont accept this op.. for you or your DC.

You can support him but he has to meet you half way. He seeks help or he needs to leave. It's not an excuse to abuse your family. And you have the right not to accept that.

Does he throw things and shout and strop at your neighbour? His boss? His doctor? His friends?

Didn't think so.

Don't confuse depression with abusive behaviour. Funny how all these abusive men hide behind the depression label

You deserve more for yourself and your children. I'd be putting a time limit on this relationship

Thank you to everyone who has shared their experience of similar situations with me. It is comforting to know things can and hopefully will improve.

He's now seeing a counsellor and has also been to the GP who prescribed antidepressants.

@PunchBall I love your approach of having no expectations of one another, it's definitely something that sounds worth trying!

I've also considered the fact that he may just be hiding behind depression and using it as an excuse for his behaviour. I've told him I feel his behaviour is abusive, he's never really realised it himself until recently though

Oh Lovely, I put up with exactly this for years, before I wised up, thinking, I cant possibly leave if he's depressed. Its not his fault.
Then I realised. It may not have been his fault that he was depressed, but he was entirely responsible for the way he treated me and my children
He could have taken medication, but chose not to
He could have made our lives easier but chose not to.
Plenty of people are depressed without being arseholes. I hung on in for years hoping to get back to the person that he had been at the beginning. Then the penny finally dropped. That early lovely caring man was not the real him
The real him was this gaslighting snarling sadist who made up 'rules' as he went along, just so he could watch people break them and kick off in a major sulk.
My husband was not depressed. He was abusive. Only you know whether yours is too
Ten years since I kicked him out and I've never been happier and surprise surprise, he is just fine too
Still an arsehole though

Outtheway I can't help but think you would be safer and happier without him. What was his family of origin like? He isn't meant to be 'helping' you with the DC! He should be coparenting them with you. Does he resent the DC? Has he even properly bonded with them? Can you imagine yourself in your home with DC without him? How does it make you feel? I grew up in a home in which my DM regularly threw things in abusive fury at our father and then our stepfather. It made me very very anxious and I had no means of escape until I discovered drugs and self harm. You can seriously injure or maim or terrify people by throwing things. It's why we drum it out of very small toddlers. Keep posting for support. 

You and your kids deserve better, sorry.

He needs to sort himself out away from the home with whatever support you can give him, and come back when he's made significant steps to improve his mental health.

I'm not advocating the throwing things, that is abusive behaviour and you should tell him so. My dh has been through a horrendous time and I kept telling him he needed help and to see a dr but he refused until I had enough and told him the only people being harmed by the situation was him, me and the kids, not who was responsible for what had happened to him.

My dh has been taking medication for last two or three months and I feel we are now turning the corner. The old dh I married is back. I didn't realise how far away he had gone and for how long...

So if your dh is addressing the situation and taking medication then I would give it a bit longer. When starting antidepressants it can get worse before it gets better for a few weeks, so give it some time and then reassess the situation in a month or so.