To be SO fed up with making dinners?

[IHateDinnerTime]

I am so fed up with dinners.

DS1 eats most things, but some are off-limits. But most things are ok.
DS2 is the only neurotypical child and is a great eater.
DD is a pain with what she eats and things are ok one week, not the next depending on her mood and other triggers.

Over the years we have tried various methods of dinner, most of which saw at least one child (usually DD) kicking off and moaning and complaining.

Chicken and salad they will all eat and it is easily adaptable for everyone's requirement but DS1 gets 'bored' and annoyed with that every night. Fair enough really!

So we ended up with a monthly dinner plan that all children signed off and agreed to - it includes adaptations for each child if necessary but means I am not making three different meals each night. (DH tends not to eat, nor do I, or I eat on shift at work so we are literally catering for the three of them)

This has been going ok, except DD is now not wanting what is on the meal plan. I gently remind her that we all agreed on it. It does have things on there that she will not eat and a previously acceptable alternative is provided. She asks if she can cook her own dinner, and I generally say no as I have already prepared it - plus it will not be balanced nutritionally - she is overweight and we need to keep an eye on what she eats. She would basically live off carbs if she could! (not that we have told her!)

However, there are two issues.

1. Sometimes due to after school activities, general life circumstances we have to go "off plan" - this does not go down well and she will refuse to eat anything at all. Or will want something that we don't have. Or will want something that we just. don't. have. time. for! (like a roast dinner when we have got in at half six!) Tonight we went off plan because DS2 requested something in particular. He NEVER kicks off about food, rarely requests it and infact, his life is hard enough between the other two and their issues so a small thing I can do for him. It is something that I adapted to cater for the other two - so it was something "allowable", just not on the plan exactly. Say, curried sausages instead of sausage casserole.

2)DS1 is on medication that affects his eating. He basically does not eat at all during the day. This means when he gets home from school he will have a massive meal as he hasn't eaten breakfast or lunch. But then come dinner he is not hungry. Fine as I know he has what he needs diet wise during the afternoon.
Tonight, however, DS ended up not wanting what I had put aside for him and he cooked up a bacon sandwich for supper. Again, I have no issue with this as his medication has caused him to lose a lot of weight over the summer, his diet is balanced and he actually waited until after DD was in bed as he knew it would cause issues. Dinner is also ok to use tomorrow for DS2 lunch so won't go to waste. (sometimes it is not something that will go well in a school lunch!)

But DD is still awake and is now saying IABU not letting her make her own dinners if her brother can.

She is under ten. He is a teen! They have different needs, but HER needs won't let her see that.

I hate dinners! I just needed to vent, really, to distract from the yelling out going on upstairs! Le sigh.

My eldest is very difficult to feed, she's autistic, but I have never pandered to her, I simply dish up one meal for everyone and we all ate together 95% of the time except Fridays due to clubs. She's veggie now and that helped a lot because I could bargain with her that if she wanted to be veggie she had to eat vegetables. All grown up now so life is different but at the stage you are at don't give them choices

Ps she didn't eat "wet" food but it was up to her to pick out what she wanted on her plate, I would give her 2, do persevere they naturally get less restrictive around puberty because they start to be out more

Hmmm, my mum is one of 8 and there’s no way food preferences or intolerances would have been catered for. Everyone just ate what they were given.

Gosh that sounds like a nightmare! How did you manage to get yourself in such a pickle... Right. Cook 1 meal that is ok with DS1 who seems to have medical needs. The rest of the family either eat or go to bed hungry. If your DD is refusing to eat then I guess it might even help with her weight (not being cruel but you don't want to set her up for teenagehood of obesity) . You've done absolutely great OP working around everyone's wishes but your kids are old enough to understand mommy is not an catering company and this should stop

I think people are missing the fact that two of the children concerned are neurodiverse. Therefore in effect their problems around food are not a matter of "won't", they're a matter of "can't". Telling everyone to eat what they're given or that if they won't eat they'll have to go hungry would be simply disastrous.

What a bother! Make a meal, put it down to the lot of them. If they don't like it, they can have something that doesn't need to be cooked - slice of bread and butter, bowl of cereal, fruit. That's the choice. All that catering to everyone's whim would do my head in.

Yes, OP. Let your non NT kids starve, or exist on a diet of cereal. That will teach them not to have those pesky neuro disabilities.

Mumsnet never fails to come up with this shit.

Try getting a pie maker that does 4 pies at once.
You can put different fillings in the pies for the boys and maybe do a little quiche for DD. Along with mixed salad.
It is a good way to use leftovers.
Other wise try having sliced meats in the fridge, if she does not want dinner then she can have cold meat and salad.
Mine also had to cook one night a week with supervision at this age. This is when my fussy eater got more adventurous.
Good luck

Sounds tough, OP.

I have a (slightly) picky eater who is now 17 and underweight. He adores Amy's Organic soup so we have a shedload of that as a backup (I am insulted by him eating soup from a can, but whatever).

He also likes toast, hommous, and cheese, which I can live with.

Have you tried fried rice? I use wholegrain rice and add vegetables e.g. mushroom, a handful of spinach, egg (obviously) - I sprinkle mine with sesame seeds and might add whatever meat I might have going (chicken, prawns, duck, salmon, etc).

Soup and a nice half-baked roll from the freezer is very good, I agree, I have a breadmaker which creates a bit of theatre around the whole affair.

My husband and I have never really eaten with our kids on school nights. They always came home from school absolutely ravenous so I got in the habit of having dinner ready at around 4.30.

"DS2 is the only neurotypical child and is a great eater."

Just flagging this up for all the people who are blaming OP for pandering to her children and causing all these issues, why can't they eat what they're given like we did when we were little

Yes, OP just force them to eat what you put in front of them, and then find some children in wheelchairs and just get them to walk, while you're at it. If there's any problems with that, just stop pushing them around, they'll soon learn there are no other options!

I think you need to sit down and eat with your children as often as possible, even if it is inconvenient or you don’t want to. Otherwise how do they know what is normal? Cook one meal for the adults and the two boys and give your daughter a choice of that meal or chicken salad. No snacking or cooking for yourself allowed. Once you have the pattern established it becomes easier to tolerate variations as long as you warn everyone some time before.

Is is a sensory thing with your DD?

Does she eat anything like ketchup or hummus (I ask as you could make them yourself and she could dip crudités etc into it)

Some ideas..

Chicken wraps (then they can put in what fillings they like)

Chicken satay, served with rice and chopped cucumber (and obviously the satay sauce for those that want it)

chicken with veg and noodles served in lettuce cups (you could separate the noodles/veg so that they can choose what they like, before filling the lettuce leafs)

Chicken tikka?

Club sandwich?

I also think l would like Pp have suggested to once weekly meal plans and also use that joker card idea, where she can cook once what she likes (I would stipulate though, that it must include a protein, veg and a carb).

Hmm. Given that what DD wants to eat/will tolerate isn't unhealthy (chicken and salad), I'd do a small tray of chicken legs or thighs that you cook on the Monday and she can have with salad over the next few days (and I guess use for school lunches so they don't go to waste?).

I think you're being a bit unfair here. It sounds like the meal plan is allowed to be changed by everyone except your DD. You can change it when it doesn't suit you after work, both sons can change it if they want, but not DD. You also say she likes your typical freezer meals, yet you've not included those in your meal plan. I'm sorry but I think yabu on this. I understand she's overweight and that's a concern, but let's be honest you've been the one feeding her for the last ten years yet she's got overweight none the less. Let her have some autonomy over her food choices or you might find when given the chance to eat what she wants she will binge on them and end up with long term poor relationship with food. It would also be much easier for you to dish up Nuggets and waffles alongside a "wet" dish for the boys than have a battle or try and make another dry meal. I'm also with the you should eat as a family group. Modelling behaviour is the best way for parenting. I understand it can be hard with work and other schedules but at a minimum I would start eating all together on the weekends

I think you need to role model eating at the table with them then the meal is about sitting together and takes the pressure off the food itself being the focus and conversation

agree with @Hahaha88 DD seems to be the only one who can't change the plan. Is maybe a month too much in advance so that by the end of the time frame she's getting bored or stressed?

TBH if she'll eat chicken & salad and will have that most days I'd give her that and continue with the menus for the DSs

I agree that quite a few posters seem to be ignoring the fact that 2 of your children have additional needs that relate to their diet.

How did you manage to get yourself in such a pickle... jeez louise, the op has done an amazing job of ensuring her 3 children have their needs met.

Wrt the meal plan, we tried this with ds (who has very restricted eating) and it was a disaster. I think it sounds like the ideas around having more buffet type meals, which include food that dd will eat , night work better.

We do sit down to a meal altogether (we have 3 children) but ds often only joins us for a bit or doesn't join us at all, and sometimes has to eat earlier. We also have a night where we all have a picnic/pizzas with a film and we are altogether for that. We try and keep pressure off. It's a work in progress!

I do think it sounds like you are doing an amazing job op.

Honestly I'm not surprised you're at your limit here! I have to admit I go for the 'easy' option at times, ie freezer food. Would she eat fish fingers and waffles or something like that? It's easy and at least saves you the hassle of properly cooking something. Cooking multiple meals every night is just an absolute nightmare. Freezer food doesn't have to be massively unhealthy. Cook up some frozen peas or whatever to go with it and then she is getting veg too. I think making this easier on you will save your sanity!!

Thanks for all of the replies. And thank you to those who recognised the eat this or go hungry approach will not work with Neurodiverse children.

To address a couple of points:

Some of the suggestions are great - making a few days worth of chicken and reheating a great idea - then the boys can have whatever and she still has a meal she will eat.
As is the buffet idea - I will try those out for sure.

The reason for a months worth of plan is shopping is a nightmare, so this way I can plan ahead, but can try switching to weekly again. It became a bit of a massive thing though each week having to get them to agree, which is why we went for a number of meals they agreed to and slotted them into the month ahead. But worth trying again!

DDs weight, for whoever it was that commented, is medical. But thanks for that.

She won't eat soup, noodles, fried rice (it is mixed up food!) or quiche, fish fingers, any seafood, unfortunately.

LOVE the joker idea. I didn't realise, stupidly, and it was an honest oversight! that it appears only DD that couldn't change it. DS2 rarely asks so him changing it - and it was the sauce really, not the meat - is really rare, he usually just accepts it. and DS1 did wait until after she went to bed so she didn't kick off, to be fair to him.

Re the freezer food - No, it isn't in the meal plan but I should have explained further, This is weekdays only. Saturdays are freezer food or pizza as I work in the evening so run out the door and it means DH doesn't need to prep anything. If I let her have it in the week, she would either be having it twice or DH would have to deal with Saturday food nightmares! He does cook a roast on Sundays though. I completely forgot to include Saturdays as I am not here for it!

re us eating together. I wish we could tbh. and I did try for years. But DD and DS1 cannot be sat at the same table without it all falling apart as they trigger each other. Plus I am usually on the way out the door as I feed the children as DH gets in so he doesn't have to after a long day at work - plus timings work out for me to prepare it, serve it, get work clothes on and go and if DH did it when he got in it would be too late for them to eat.

My mum is a paediatric dietitian of 20 yrs and she says the best thing you can do for your kids when it comes to food is cook them healthy meals, and that's it. Fussy eating should not be encouraged, at all. Ever. If your DD continually adds things to the list that she wont eat even though she had no problems with it before, that is fussy eating.

Provide healthy meals, if any DC refuse to eat, let them refuse. Kids are not stupid, they will not let themselves starve. It may mean going to bed hungry a couple of times and be very stressful at the start, but it is the only way, in my mum's opinion, to stop unhealthy eating patterns from festering and growing.

If this does not work and DD genuinely stops eating, then I would suggest counselling.

Disclaimer: I know you mentioned DD is not neurotypical so this advice is subject to that, though I know many doctors still suggest the same as above for non-neurotypical kids as routine and looking to your parents to set the rules is good for all kids.

they will not let themselves starve.
....and your mum is a paediatric dietician. Lawks.

Another suggestion I could offer is that chicken and salad can be done multiple different ways. For instance, chicken breast wrapped in Parma ham, served with green salad. Chicken mince, dry fried with lots of onion, garlic, dry spices, served in lettuce cups or tortilla cups with tomato salad and cucumber salad, all parts can be served separately on a plate or together in the lettuce cup (yogurt or sour cream for those requiring wetness). Mexican spiced chicken legs with corn, black bean, and rocket salad, guacamole/tomato salsa for people needing sauce. Sesame crusted chicken thighs with quinoa, green leaf and strawberry salad (ginger and tahini sauce for wetness). Lemon and herb roast chicken thighs (or breasts) with broccoli, green bean, and leek warm salad (tzatziki goes well with this). Also recommended heck’s Italian chicken sausages for any sausage meals.

Just wondering about your DD not liking Casseroles and sauces, wet food - has your DD ever eaten these things or is it a new thing she dosnt like? some children (and adults) have sensory processing problems, I was reading about the way people make connections to food, one person almost gagged if they went near chicken, I am like that to an extent with all forms of sea food, I literally feel like I have been asked to eat maggots or worse and nothing would help me eat it

Does your DD mind if she gets her hands messy, this can be connected to sensory issues. Just a thought, it could well just be a phase and she will slowly eat more and more of these food types, or she could be like me and stay averse to wet food, like I am with seafood.

I wonder if your DD helped in cooking the meal she would be more tempted to eat it. Its a strategy that may work and at ten she may enjoy the involvement.

are your DD's changeable food requirements governed by her condition (whatever that might be) or her being difficult?

I don't think (for a NT child) that it's ok to be so demanding and difficult about food. They eat what they are told to.

I had many children and a few years where they were all very irritating around food - a couple did have sensory issues too. I've had vegetarians. I have ones that don'e like casseroles, some that don't like mash, some that don't like spices. Very annoying.

I sat down with them all and wrote a list. The list contained the few foods that they all liked . Spag bol, sausages, bean chilli. I put the agreed meals on the meal plan. I added a few others that most of the children liked. We ate those foods on rotation every bloody night. It was very boring. They had ONE meal each that they were allowed to turn down - and would eat toast or something on that night. I knew it was a real dislike so I allowed it (dd always hated mashed potato, so shepherds pie or fish pie were hers). I don't ever cook 2 meals.

Everything else, they had to eat. No questions. One meal per night for all of them. If they didn't want it, they went without.

Every so often I would try a new dish.

They are all pretty good eaters now, but I don't tolerate deviation anyway. I cooked a chicken pie on Sunday. My 7 yo didn't like pastry. Tough. There was nothing else. (She had the veg and the filling)

IHateDinnerTime

Threads like these make me wish the special needs boards were a bit more busy.....I would try posting there.