Pah birthday?

[MrPickles73]

AIBU?

I'm mid 40s and married with 3 kids. I still look forward to my birthday... We have a night out with my chums which I organise, babysitter, tickets, hotel etc. DH asked me what I wanted so I asked for a couple of small things some of which he got me. One small surprise but nothing exciting. I also took kids to a party with hangover which was hard work and with retrospect I shouldn't have done this. Came home DH had not made dinner, no cake, just been busy with his hobbies...

I feel quite shit. I feel like he made zero effort. Is everyone in their mid 40s bday like this? What is the answer? Do you buy yourself presents? Book a holiday for yourself somewhere hot and sunny? I just feel for 1 day my immediate family should make more of an effort? Do I have unreasonable expectations?

What normally happens on your birthdays? And his birthdays?

Are you the kind of person who says 'I don't want a fuss' but really does want a fuss?

YABU. You are getting plenty for your birthday, why do you need more and more?

I don’t understand adults who are interested in or make a fuss of their birthdays but each to their own.

You’re getting a nice night out.
You’ve had presents.
What more do you want?

I've never made a fuss if birthdays. One present from my (now ex) H and maybe a night out but that's it. Doesnt bother me.

DH gives me money and I buy my own presents. Better than getting some rammel I wont use nor take back.

But Ive arrived at this situation because I was dissatisfied by the previous arrangements where I was waiting for the big surprise which was certainly not going to be provided by DH who has no imagination and some sort of inability to enter shops . Im keeping him though because I get a cup of tea in bed every morning without fail

It doesn't matter to me, or to DH, if neither of us even say Happy Birthday to one another.

We've been together for nearly 20 years BTW and are very happy.

But birthdays? Not interested.

My DH is great in many ways but when it comes to buying presents he has no clue.
I think he never got much fuss for his own bdays growing up so it’s not something he thinks of.

Therefore my bdays consist of a card from him and the kids. Gifts of my DM. And that’s it.

No night out. No trips. No special meal. No cake.

So I think you are lucky with what you do get TBH

I really hope my marriage doesn't turn out like this.
It's ONE day after everything you've done for your family to just be a little spoilt. A takeaway planned, a meal out, a little thought? Why is that so difficult!! Life sucks 90% of the time and everyone thinks doing something nice for their partner is too much?!

OP I completely agree with you. But I'd just speak to your husband and explain, you definitely haven't got it as bad as some people on here do but that doesn't make it okay either!

So he got you some presents

You went out and celebrated your birthday

That wasn't enough?

I agree with you @StreetwiseHercules

Adults expecting fuss for their own birthday is really odd. Why would you want a holiday booked or lots of fuss to mark another year since you popped out of your mother!

He probably thought you had already made more than enough fuss of your birthday yourself and that you preferred your birthday to be friends and not family-focused.

I really hope my marriage doesn't turn out like this.
It's ONE day after everything you've done for your family to just be a little spoilt.

See I'd hate my marriage to turn out like that ^^

Me and DH spoil each other throughout the year with little thoughtful things and make each other feel appreciated.

We don't need to pick a certain formal day to do it.

Besides, the OP's DH has bought her presents but they weren't 'exciting' enough.

My husband would have tidied the house, bought a nice wine and made dinner while I had a hot shower and changed into comfy pyjamas, but he wasn’t a thoughtless tossed. I would have done similar for him. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with expecting to be treated nicely on your birthday. Just because others don’t celebrate or set the bar low for what they expect from their partner/DH/DW doesn’t mean you should. What happens on his birthday and how would he respond if you told him you were disappointed that he found his hobby more important than doing something nice for you one your birthday? His response to that would be as important or maybe more important than his lack of care, in my opinion. If he was sorry and tried to make it up to you for being thoughtless, then fair enough, but if he acted like a dick, then he could sort himself out on his own birthday from then on and I’d be spending my birthday out of the house, doing something nice.

I'm very much a princess when it comes to my birthdays but dh isn't the sort to organise surprises which I've accepted over the years.I still have good birthdays and hes generous but I know I'm never going to come home to a cake or anything and I'm (sort of) fine with that.

MN has made me realise how differently people can feel about how birthdays should be celebrated. Personally I think an equal effort should be made. If you make an effort for his birthday it should be reciprocated.

However if you're one of those families where you do everything and he works and hobbies then you either need to spell out how you ask for just your birthday to be looked after - and this includes him looking after the kids and house - or you need to readdress the overall balance.

Happy birthday.