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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not reach out?

10 replies

ExpatInAGrump · 11/11/2019 07:49

[Shudder]
Member of an expat community for the past 10 years or so. A friend (now moved away) and I actually started up the group which has been expanding over the years. As we all have no family nearby either on the mum's side or on both sides, we try to help each other out where we can. So when babies were born, organising a meal rota for a couple of weeks, handing on clothes and books etc.

We have also done it when a DC or a parent has been in hospital for whatever reason. Visited, organised group gift, meals, transport etc.

Except five years ago, when I was in hospital. Everyone knew as I was at a birthday party the week before, No one visited, no cards, no messages apart from one from my best friend.

I shrugged it off, continued joining in with everyone, birthday gifts, meal rotas, hospital gifts etc.

This year, the same again. I was in hospital and out of action for a few months. Two people visited, my best friend and one other (who, I must say, I hadn't expected to visit me). No messages, nothing. When I bumped into someone it was all "oh my god, how are you? I heard you were in hospital...."

Now a regularly smoking member of the group is in hospital for a virus &asthma attack. Having posted a huge rant on Facebook about how she can't rely on people helping her out. A group has been set up to sort out gifts and visits and everyone is saying "thanks for letting me know, I'm going to reach out to her."

AIBU to not reach out and just ignore it all? Leave the group and distance myself? I'd kind of decided in my head to say fuck the lot of them unless it was one of the two who visited me who needed help. Facing the situation in real life is slightly different to what you think you might do though. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Antigon · 11/11/2019 07:57

YANBU. Just ignore.

Is it possible that they think they don't need to bother because you're the group administrator/ moderator?

How many in the griup do you get on with and could you set up a whatsapp group with them?

Sparkletastic · 11/11/2019 08:01

Your reaction is entirely reasonable. If the group relies on being shamed into offering help then the friendships don't run deep IMO. I would distance myself and stop propping others up.

Winterdaysarehere · 11/11/2019 08:03

Urgh yabu to even consider bothering with her /them imo...

Honeybee85 · 11/11/2019 08:08

YANBU. You never got any support when you needed them, I don’t see why you would have to bother now.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 11/11/2019 08:11

I don't think tit-for-tat is ever a good reason to do or not do something.

It doesn't sound as though you particularly like this person though, and there are others who are offering help, so there's no need to martyr yourself over this one.

For the group, do you find any value in it for you? If not, then leave.

Beveren · 11/11/2019 08:11

Group members are utterly unreasonable to use the wanky "reach out" phrase when they just mean they'll contact or talk to someone.

ExpatInAGrump · 11/11/2019 08:25

No, no, I don't dislike her. I always thought it a bit crazy she smokes so much when she and her DC are always hard hit by chest infections and the like every winter. Now I found out she has asthma, I think it's downright irresponsible. She's a single parent to three DC, eldest is 6 and at least one of them has been hospitalised for breathing/chest issues.

An apology has been sent, the rant was at her ex and ex-IL's rather than the group. I don't think tit-for-tat is ever a good reason to do or not do something. This is what I'm struggling with. Internal child vs. adult!

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 11/11/2019 08:38

This person was one of the two that came to visit you so I think YABU .

AnneKipanki · 11/11/2019 08:40

Ah . Sorry. Misread that .
YANBU.

If it was one of the two...see above

PanchoBarnes · 11/11/2019 09:09

Wow, that really sucks.

I say piss on it this time.
Your heart really isn't in it right now, anyway.
Maybe next tme round.

btw -- there was a thread vv similar to this, a few months back!

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