To ask how to appear confident and friendly?

[NotJustACigar]

Durng a group exercise on a training course I'm on about emotional intelligence, we were asked to go around and say how we perceived everyone to be feeling based on their expressions and body language. Quite a few people said "timid" to me. I'm trying to figure out how not to look that way!

So AIBU to try to change this and ask your best tips? Ideally I'd come across as confident but friendly and appealing to talk to. So far I know I need to hold my shoulders further back and stop fidgeting. What else? Any more obscure ideas welcome such as wearing by hair more curly rather than flat, straight and stick to my head. Wearing brighter colours like red and orange.

DH says I'm confident and assertive which I do feel is true. However when amongst groups of people I don't know well I'm not giving this impression and it's frustrating.

Wearing something bright on your top half helps to get to notice you.,

Scarf? Lipstick?

Make eye contact, make appropriate noises and gestures so people know of be noticed them and you are listening.

Speak, slowly, carefully. A deeper voice helps, but don’t try that if you’re not comfortable, it’s quite a tricky one to pull off.

Smile, but don’t be too eager to joint every conversation.

And avoid upspeak like the plague.

No dangling earrings, very distracting.

Speak when you have someone’s attention, don’t try to catch it after you get going. Nothing more dispiriting to realise you’re waffling On and no one is listening.

Smile. Eye contact (but not too much).
Mirroring mannerisms.
Stand up straight and tall.

Look at people - don't shy away from eye contact. Say something, if only morning/afternoon.

Only wear brighter colours if they actually suit you but, yes, avoid all black.

Bit curious as to how you appear timid if you are confident and assertive...? What do you think you do that makes you appear timid?

Which is what I seem to be doing now.

Who in the group was described how you would like to be described? How were they turned out?

Don't dress like you want to blend into the background. Always do and wear something to help you be noticed and remembered. Later on people should be able.to describe and remember you easily: don't be one of 20 identikit women.

On a scale of 1-10 how outgoing and engaging do you currently rate yourself when you meet new people. If you think you are a 4, next time you have an event decide that you will do everything you usually do but with an impact value of 6 not 4 and see how that works. Almost like the difference between how you greet fellow wedding guests inside the church versus at the reception 😀

Make eye contact and smile, even a little wave here and there. Be genuinely interested in the people around you. Try to make your neutral face a happy one. This is how I am and I am often referred to as the smiley lady.

But you could just say fuck it to what everyone thinks when meeting you in highly unnatural and uncomfortable situations. They're hardly a reflection of who you actually are. If your DH says your confident and assertive then I'd go by that, no one feels confident put on the spot in that way.

There is a big difference in the dynamics. Some people are assertive and confident in a 1 to 1 situation but lost in a group setting.

Speak louder when talking and with conviction

I think that's me, Chardonnay. I'm shy at parties and in informal groups but confident and assertive 1:1 and at work also. I think because I feel uncomfortable in groups I'm too eager to connect and this is off-putting. If you've seen the memes of the "overly attached girlfriend" I think I look a bit like that!

It'll be your body language... Watch Ted Talks- body language/fake it til you make it. It's 10 mins and is absolutely brilliant.

Then find an ally in the group and use his/her coattails.

Wear clothes you are very comfortable in (I have my "kick ass boots" for difficult meetings

And clothes that don't ride up/need tweaking or pulling straight, hair that does not need being pushed out of your eyes etc.

Clothes and shoes matter a lot

Eye contact, posture, smile (when approaching- women shouldn't have to smile all the time )

You could be an introvert. Confident in 1:1 situations and the work place as it has a structure to the interactions. I hate social situations and stopped going to work dos in the end as i found them very stressful. And the old group training sessions? Well, that’s just one of the layers of hell for me. It’s a one size fits all approach and it doesn’t work but presumably someone gets to tick a box to say they’ve done some training 🙄.

I hate this sort of thing. I find it really unkind that they encouraged people to comment on your manner, this is the sort of thing that sets off social anxiety.

I was told something similar in my last workplace and I was sent on personal presence workshops. I enjoyed the workshop but it felt more like an acting class - who wants to walk around masquerading as someone totally different? I don't want to walk around forcing myself to hold my shoulders high, sitting and standing in power poses, and talk louder than I naturally do, etc. It's exhausting and feels so fake. It makes sense when you have a big presentation or something but not for everyday purposes.

Why can't people just accept that some of us are not brash, arrogant and outrageously confident? I think there should be space for different personality types in the workplace. Some of us are quietly confident about the work we do and our body language might not always reflect that, but so what?

As a side note I also think this is a feminist issue because many of the behaviours us women are encouraged to adopt in order to appear more 'confident' are actually traditionally more masculine ones and we are encouraged to quash the feminine traits we have.

Good posture.
Make eye contact.
Speak clearly but not too loud or too fast.
Red (if it suits you) is a very powerful that can make you appear stronger and stand out (that’s why in some business meetings where negotiations will take place its sometimes worn on purpose).
Wear clothes that make you feel confident. For me that would be a suit combined with some very sexy (but classy) high heels but depends on the person.

A lot of it about moving and behaving with purpose. I used to be terrible at this but have done a lot of work in recent years on my own perceived confidence and networking skills.

I went to a business event this summer where I knew no one. I thought about three or four possible relevant things I could talk about, stood by the bar by myself and drank the free cocktail scanning the room for groups of people who looked friendly and then I went straight over and introduced myself. Everyone was lovely, and each time I did it it increased my confidence. It also made me realize that every time you hover, or mumble, or don't make eye contact it chips at your confidence and makes it harder to be bold.

What an awful activity. I'm not sure how that is linked to emotional intelligence...

It was an awful activity in a way but good in that now I'm aware of the issue and can do something about it. The activity was more to see how you can read people than for the benefit of the person being read though, which I think we unfortunate.

Sounds like they may have trouble reading people. Maybe it's not your problem. How did the other group members describe you?

There were four of them who described me as timid without overheating each other. I think it's partly posture - I had my shoulders back but was leaning forward and and forward. It's hard to describe but when I checked in the mirror it did look quite timid!

And arms forward