Gone too far

[mumtobhoyandghirl]

I want to apologise in advance for how long winded this will be but I don't want to drip feed and the details I think are important

I have been with my DP fo 9 years, I have a DD from previous relationship and he has DS from previous relationship. My DP family has always been the best, when people used to moan about in laws I'd always say how lucky I was and tbh I spoke to mines more than my own family. His immediate family is his mum,sad & sister. Fast forward to me having our first child together in dec, I had such a bad time after he was born (the birth itself was fine and my son perfect) but I had an epidural and they leaked my spinal fluid 3 times leading to spinal headaches which r horrendous and then subsequently back in hospital on Xmas eve as I then had facial paralysis down my left side due to the Dural leak. This meant I couldn't shit one eye speak ear ect it looked like I had a stroke. So naturally I was a mess due to just having a ababy and not feeling like I could enjoy it and now it Xmas and I can't take photos ect ect. On Xmas day itself my whole street had a power cut for the full day and we sat tight until eventually going to stay with my mil as we needed to make bottles have Xmas dinner.

My sil at this point had just started dating a new guy they met end of November and we hadn't met yet (obv as they just started dating) but on Xmas day he was over and I never spoke to anyone as I could barely speak and was so anxious because I could tell no one could understand me and was slurring.

Two weeks later (I don't have social media neith does DP) but my daughter does. My mum offered to watch my son for a whole & my daughter shows me pictures that have been uploaded and my sil new bf has a photo holding my son. Now I know now I was being over sensitive but it's just to give background I was so upset by this as he is a complete stranger and he has a picture with my son before I did and secondly I don't know him at all. So I asked if it could be taken down and the apologised and all was fine.

Fast forward to mil coming down to see my son every second Friday and keeping him overnight,every week she's moaning to myself and DP about SIL new bf. Saying he doesn't work, he's always in there house & that he takes drugs aswell as smoking weed. My DP then states he does not want him around our DS as we don't even smoke, he said he's not to hold him ect. Again all is fine

I start organising baptism as some movement has came back in my face and I've been putting it off due to my face. I ask SIL to be godmum. She accepts. 6weeks before it mil has our son(usual Friday) and SIL now has moved in with DP. And sends my DP a video of our son in their house not in MIL. (I'm non the wiser as it doesn't get sent to me) I receive a text message from sil apologising and saying she didn't know her DP wasn't to be around our son-I don't reply as I literally have zero idea of what's happened. But once my DP and I are home together he tells me about the video & states he calls his mum asking if she's at his DS house with our DS she says no she's left him with FIL he then calls FIL who says no his Sister took him and my DP completely goes mad shouting at him because they knew he wasn't to b around him and also because he thought they were watching him but he now found out he's somewhere else. They inform SIL now that my DP is livid who then calls DP and they have words. She then texts us both later saying that if our DS has not to be around her DP then neither will she. Obv I am hurt and angry by this as it was never a choice of u either stay with partner or see our son.. she would of always been auntie & godmum without her DP involvement.

I don't respond again as I feel things may be said heat of the moment and once both her and my DP calm down they'll speak level headed and all will be ok. But unfortunately MIl stops speaking to us, we find out she's sneaking son to see both when she has him.and it causes more words said.SIL starts posting on FB about argument with DP and then deletes my daughter off of it. And it just gets very petty and messy. So I reach out to her and say it's completely uncalled for to involve my daughter in this argument I tell her to call her brother or come down and speak to him or we can go there and sort it before baptism.she declines and there is no resolution. She then messages my daughter about said argument in a dear John way explaining how she'll always be her niece but she now can't speak to her, at this point both myself and DP agree it's best she's no longer godmum as she can't ignore and block and cut out one child but be god mum to the other.

As u can now imagine this causes hell and the baptism is literally ruined with the atmosphere, non of my in laws family even come down to watch him they all sit at the back and completely ignore us all day. Later posting pictures of a family photo of us but cropping me out of it ( up until messaging my sil to come down I had zero communication or involvement in anything). She blocks and deletes all of my family my mum my Nan who is nearly 80 everyone and starts posting about the whole situation over every form of social media possible with photos of my son attached. I ask her to stop using pictures of my child to which my FIL now texts me threating me (physically) and there's been more afterwards without going on. She's called my letting agent to complain (anonymously) my work making slanderous allegations and even social work. It's a complete mess and none of the family have seen my son now in 4 months.

It's such a strain on my DP who obviously loves his family but he cannot condone what they have done,If they apologised to myself and DP (not my sil but FIL and mil) I'd be willing to move on and they could start rebuilding a relationship with my son but they haven't reached out once. They blame me and say I've got in DP ear and I've stopped them seeing their grandson. Where do I go from here do I just leave it,I don't think I should make the first move when so much has happened against my family however if no one does I feel it'll be the same situation in ten years time. I also feel we are owed an apology even for PIL getting involved when they could of completely stayed neutral in it

So sorry for long post

I'd cut them dead at this point - just leave it and let them approach you. Enjoy your child and your husbands support.

Thank you, sometimes I think am I being too harsh with no access but I feel my kids were already getting dragged into it. And I'd never know where my son was as they'd lied about it previously x

Keep out of it. Keep the high ground and let your DH sort it. If they approach you be civil but don't engage.

You're right, its easier said than done but reacting won't get me anywhere and I think it'll play into the I'm to blame mentality. Just wish it never happened but I suppose u can't control these things

You don’t do a thing ..

Leave em be!

They broke DH & your trust .. it is solely their choice to be twats .. don’t engage just live your life .. keep them at arms length.. it will not be easy for your DH so be there for him ..

Your baby is not a toy to passed around and snuck out .. his well being is your first priority and not knowing where he is when you leave him at a specific place In good faith is not on!

Keep the channels open for communication but don’t just sweep it all under the carpet .. they need to acknowledge what they did was wrong and take responsibility for it ..

Thanks sometimes u question when feeling are involved if you're seeing things from an objective point of view

Usually on these threads ifs the woman on her own fogging the unreasonable in laws. Your partner is handling his own family drama, so let him. Sad, but these people are no good for your child. Your partner knows that.

Firing not fogging😂

It sounds awful but what were your original reasons for not wanting your SIL's DH to hold or be with your son ? Your MIL bad mouthed him but she clearly thinks he's ok. Does the fact he doesn't work and smokes weed really make him such a monster he can't be anywhere near your son ? Did you maybe over react to him initially in an unfair way ?

Honestly, I think you completely overreacted initially. I don't see why your SIL partner wasn't to be around your son?

But they have all behaved terribly since so I would just leave them to it at this point.

@tenredthings I said early on about me being over sensitive to him having the picture. Had my face been fine and the aftermath of having my son been ok I wouldn't of even been upset. But for me it was because I didn't have a picture with my son yet but a stranger did. I know it's irrational but my first picture with him was when he was 6months old. And my face still isn't 100%

My DP doesn't care if he works or not I was just saying this is what information we were being told but yes smoking weed and then holding an infant was a big deal to him as we don't even smoke and my DP didn't want him holding him after he smoked or being in their house where drugs were kept while he was crawling around. I think even if u disagree u need to respect someone else's wishes for their children & what they're comfortable with. We went on to later find out that he has a criminal record from when he was young and stupid but having an imitation gun to intimidate neighbours. Again he could well be changed and a nice guy but while he takes drugs daily it's not an environment we r comfortable with our son being around

I know this is a bad example but I have cousins who are more like nephews with the age gap and I've kept them overnight once a month ffrom 6 weeks old they're twins. My aunt and uncle do not like pets they don't have any and don't want them around their sons. We have a cat. So when they stay my cat is in the spare room while we r all downstairs or outside and when they go to bed the cat again either goes out or is downstairs away from my cousins. I'm respectful of their wishes but I also wouldn't b offended if my unc said no to them staying because they don't want them near my cat I'd just ask to come see them or take them out for the day as everyone parents differently and there's no right and wrong to me anyway

I'm afraid I also think you massively over reacted when you cut out SIL's DP from even being around your kid. I'm not surprised SIL was upset.

That said, they've all (particularly PILs) behaved horribly since so I would also leave them to it at this point.

Thanks it's good to hear outside perspective I think it honestly could of been resolved and mibi if we got to know him rather than the sneaking around and visits it would of been sorted. My DP did say at the time that he reacted badly phoning and shouting at FIL and mibi was a bit hasty but he thought his son was one okace and he wasn't there along with being with someone he didn't want him around

Also I never said for him not to be around him this was DP decision which I then stood by. But unfortunately things just escalated

I agree things initially could of been handled differently but I think now it's just went too far and it's such a shame