Is he hiding something? AIBU

[LilyPinkNoah]

So I know I probably am...DH just wanted to show me something on his phone.

He started showing me it - the children are eating their tea. Children finish their tea and ask for pudding. I ask DH to get their pudding so he pulls the phone out of my hand (his phone) so I don't get to finish reading what he has asked me to read.

I asked why he did that and he said because I know you wouldn't get off your bottom to give me the phone. I said that's really unfair since 730 this morning apart from now (and for 40 mins at lunchtime) I've been on my feet all day - taking kids to swimming, attending a birthday party - sorting things in the house - heading out to do some clothes shopping for the kids - then on my return sorting out kits for tomorrow and now cooking the tea.

I said to him and this was my mistake - I said well I haven't actually sat down all day so I would have got off my bottom and given you your phone because after this I'm bathing the kids. (He's not done nothing all day - he's not well - has done the laundry and gardening).

I said sorry this was my mistake I said 'I know you've got something to hide and I'll find out what it is' he's obsessed with his phone never leaves it open for me to see.

We both work long hours - our relationship is ok - in reality we probably need some counselling - because of working hours we don't really share a bed except if we're away. He's always been emotionally distant I can't say it's a new thing.

Anyway after saying the above he got really mad and shouted at me really loud in front of the children 'don't you dare accuse me of something or sully my name in front of the children ever again' and then slammed the door really hard. He's now ironing his shirts.

I feel really mad inside as he's implying I'm lazy to the kids that I wouldn't get up and give him his phone - but I think it's cos I called him out on his secrecy.

Aibu?

I'd trust your gut feeling on this one. He didn't want to leave you with his phone unattended. Presumably there is a reason for that. Sorry OP 😕

So he can call you lazy in front of the kids and that is ok? If he had nothing to hide a sensible thing for him to have done would have been to give you the phone:

Aggression can often be used to cover guilt. Trust your instincts.

Now the gaslighting starts and saying I've blown it all out of proportion....ffs. I give up

Used a NC I've only used once before, I know someone will jump on me as I'm going against the grain here but I think you were silly and really over reacted. You went off accusing him of something just because he took his phone from you when you'd already had time to read what he was showing you? He was a bit of a dick for calling you lazy but you basically said the same to him with the passive aggressive comment about bathing the kids. That’s a separate issue though. I’m on my phone a lot and don't let anyone just hold it for ages for no reason, doesn't mean I've got anything to hide. Maybe he just wanted his phone? I listen to music whilst I'm sorting dinner/pudding/kids baths, so I take my phone with me for those things. Btw, a normal argument (I think he's right you have blown it out of proportion) isn't automatically gaslighting just because you've read the term on here!

Don't rise to it. Perhaps calmly point out that he is the one that stormed out.

@Jbforensic maybe I have blown it out of proportion he said we need to not argue in front of the kids and he said he wasn't implying I was lazy.

My passive aggressive on the Bath was probably exactly that - or more a defence as it's ok for me to say I won't get off my bottom.

He does use his phone to listen to music etc but to be honest I know he was about to iron his shirts. I think we are all exhausted but I am unsure about his phone - he does play a fighting/shooting game on it a lot in the evenings.

He has said our kids have told his mum that we argue a lot and we need to argue less - this really wanted me to kick off more!! I was like when did this happen? Why has she said that to you? When was it said? And I'm upset my kids are upset really - I don't feel bad but for the kids I do.

My DH has had a pretty idyllic upbringing and I would never wish upon him the traumas I have faced not on anyone - but I just don't see the world with his rose tinted glasses and maybe cos if my shit I just see the worst in everything so maybe I do need bringing back to reality - thanks for the other perspective.

And yes gaslighting is a term I've heard on here!

*i was mad cos he said I wouldn't get off my bottom. Also I do say thanks to him a lot maybe I should stop saying thanks - cos all we are doing is sharing the chores and I do much much more of the family work and all the family admin I mean all. Kids? , house everything

You snipped at him, gave him a lecture on your day (even though you said he's not well) then accuses him of hiding something. Tbh id be pisssed off with you esp if I wasnt feeling well

Well to be honest I think he's got a point about fighting in front of the kids.

Personally I would have waited until later to raise with him, calmly, that his remark about you sitting on your bottom was hurtful and seemed like he was calling you lazy when actually you've done a lot today.

Instead you retaliated by making a really hurtful accusation about him in front of the kids, something that might make the kids feel insecure and upset about the stability of their home life.

He made an unfortunate passing comment. Your reaction was really disproportionate.

He is the one that wanted to show me these reading things on his phone then pulled it out of my hand. The only reason I asked him to get the puddings was I thought he wanted me to read his stuff.

Also the snapping was because I said to him why didn't you leave me the phone to read? He then said because he knew I wouldn't get off my bottom and give it to him - which I knew was an excuse - in reality he was hiding his phone from me - and it was at that point that I took his accusatory comment as a sneaky quip At me. I then said I know you're hiding something then he got mad - shouted very very loudly that I was sullying his name and making accusations in front of the kids and slammed the door very hard.

I appreciate emotions must be running high, but if you think your husband is having an affair then I don't think the right time to discuss that with him is in front of the kids over their tea.

But you were sullying his name in front of the kids. My first instinct would not be that he would have something to hide in this scenario. More that he is so attached to his phone that he gets separation anxiety if apart - unfortunately part of modern life for many. Unless there is a backstory of cheating of course.

There is no backstory. At all.

No cheating I know of.

Thank you for your advice.

I feel so messed up at times just wish I could sort my head out

I really don't think this is okay in front of the children to be honest. It must be very upsetting and confusing for them. It sounds like there are bigger problems going on here than this one incident and maybe it might be worth considering some sort of counselling together to work through your issues in a neutral space.

I think in his circumstances I may have been cross too though and very annoyed it was happening in front of the children, hence the comment about what they had said to his mum.

If it helps, I also had a very traumatic upbringing too, but I am generally a positive person

I’m going to be really honest OP and say that it would be enlightening to see your your partner’s view of this situation. Clearly that’s not going to happen so I’ll just say that your post seems a bit one-sided.
You’ve admitted that you might be at fault as even your children have said something.
A great number of folk have had difficult upbringings. It’s not a safety blanket.

I've had ongoing trauma to be honest. I'm grateful for your honesty.

Ongoing trauma has been number of issues out of my control - early parent death etc that have had a huge impact.

I don't think his side would be drastically different I have said it how it is - if I was being one sided then you may have all sided with me!

I live far from my family - we both do highly pressurised jobs - we are blessed in many ways. It's not fair of me to argue in front of the children. He's right there. I think it was a reaction to the phone being pulled away and I got frustrated as I was in the middle of reading what he asked me to read he wanted my opinion and I couldn't give it.

Yes he's probably addicted to his phone too.