How can I improve my self-esteem and gain some self-respect?

[ALittleBitWorried1983]

Apologies for posting this here, I wasn't exactly sure which place it was best for.

I've been posting on here for a little while about my troubled relationship and most people tell me I need to gain some self-esteem and self-respect. Do you have any advice on how to do this?

I've always had issues with fear of abandonment (I have borderline personality disorder) and I will stay and settle even though I'm not happy just because I'm scared of being alone.

My dad left when I was 12 and disowned me for a new family, and my relationships have always been quite toxic, with one of six years who refused to sleep with me or leave the house, would constantly reject me, tell me it was embarrassing when I asked if we could have sex and basically just made me feel shit about myself. But he was the one who left me for another girl - I would have still stayed!

I've since had some problems with my current partner, and although everyone has told me it was his behaviour that was bad (ghosting, breaking up with me when pregnant, blaming me for everything wrong, allowing his mother to speak badly about me) it's me who's had to make 'changes' (to not be so clingy and codependent) while he said his behaviour was totally justified and hasn't really apologised or anything.

And because he's said that, I question myself as to whether the way I was treated was really that bad or whether it was my fault and he was totally reasonable. I just get really confused.

I've had therapy before, and I'd feel good at the end of each session but then I couldn't stick to what I'd say in the session, and I'd go back to feeling vulnerable.

I have a baby on the way and I have gained a lot of independence since being pregnant, I have a very good job and work my arse off and have my own place and car, so I'm more than prepared for motherhood but I want to be the best I can be and have some self-esteem and self-respect, not just for the baby but for myself.

Sorry this is long, but any advice on what I can do to help myself, stick to my word and focus on what is best for me and my baby would be amazing. I really want to be the best mother I can be.

Hi!

Im also pregnant and my hormones are making me a bit more clingy that I would ordinarily be. I cant imagine making major emotional changes now.

Be kind to yourself!

Maybe spot one behaviour or trait you dont like and work to change it? Doesnt have to be a big one.

(I dont know your back story btw).

I'm going through this journey as well OP so I sympathise with you. My background was troubled my the facts of my childhood are different from yours.
I think of two people who really respect me and doing this me act confident even if I may not feel it. Also what helps me with self respect is don't be afraid to say no to, or keep people at arms length in relation to any social advance you DONT want whether it's someone asking questions about your personal life and making you feel uncomfortable or a social invitation whatever. Yes they won't like being pushed back in this way but don't feel guilty. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck c

Should say these facts **

Sounds like the best thing for your self-esteem would be to become single as your partner sounds like an asshole!

Don't underestimate the affect a so-called partner can have on how we view ourselves.

It’s very hard to make multiple changes. Especially to entrenched behaviour. When you come out of therapy feeling all good and fired up perhaps you are being a bit too ambitious and it may be more real to set yourself small challenges towards changing and this feeling good about yourself.

You sound very successful and must be good at lots of things. How does your therapist suggest you deal with these issues?

IME emotionally abusive people never apologise & deny, minimise & gaslight, so don't be surprised he turned it into you having to change. I'd buy CBT for Dummies to give you coping strategies & 'top up' the Counselling & learn to say enough is enough, my needs matter: & if they're not being met then the other person has to go. Have you ever actually been single? It's really not that scary, it makes you braver, gives you confidence, makes you more independent & has to be better than being with people who make you miserable. I'd also add strategically placed post it's with the positive messages I learnt in Counselling, helped me stay on track with learning to be kinder to myself & be positive & change things.