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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Alternate weekends custody

22 replies

ShimmerMoon · 10/11/2019 14:10

My ex and I currently have a court order in place whereby she has our 2 yo son (AI) for 3 nights every other week. We live 90 miles away. I have been fighting to keep this routine and not give in to the demands of my ex who wants 5 nights every other week. Not only would this upset his nursery routine but I personally don't think that a 2/3 yo shoukd be away from their bio mum more tgan 3 nights in a row. My other issues are that my ex isn't particularly nurturing/observant and has no family back up in her location. Cafcass (Section 7 report) has recommended that our son's routine doesn't change but my ex is still trying persuade me to come to another agreement. AIBU?

OP posts:

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/11/2019 14:17

I don't think it matters which of you gave birth.

happycamper11 · 10/11/2019 14:24

Just tell her this is working well for now and you will be adhering to the court order and cafcass recommendations but will be willing to reassess as time goes on. However presumably once he starts school longer time's will be impossible so it would be confusing to do longer then they stop again, perhaps offer/suggest some longer periods over holidays when the child is ready

Original poster

ShimmerMoon · 10/11/2019 14:43

So obviously being a lesbian I'm all full promoting rights and being inclusive. However, don't you think a bio parent has a stronger link? They protected the child before it was born. They can literally see a mini me growing before their eyes. They can see traits/preferences in their child which are present in other relatives. My ex has such a different personality to me and although she is on his birth certificate, I don't understand the viewpoint of anyone who doesn't think that being the birth mother doesn't count.

OP posts:

rosiejaune · 10/11/2019 14:55

It doesn't count in family court, so you would be unwise to push that angle. Otherwise they would always favour the mother's POV over the father's in a mixed-sex relationship (and despite the claims of F4V, that is not the case).

They are supposed to frame everything from the POV of what is in the child's best interests. So if you have any legitimate concerns (i.e. actual neglect, not just different parenting styles) about her, or the proposed arrangements affecting your son's activities and routine, then put it in those terms.

But if Cafcass has recommended it doesn't change, the judge is likely to order that anyway. Or are you not back in court, just discussing it between you? If so how long ago did they make that recommendation, are they still involved with you, and is there any new reason your ex is asking for increased time?

Casander · 10/11/2019 14:58

As pp said, just tell her you will be adhering to the court order. As the main care giver I would feel uncomfortable with a 2 year old being over 90 miles away for longer too op so I know what you mean.

Original poster

ShimmerMoon · 10/11/2019 15:04

We have gone to court about 5 times.....fact funding hearing and everything...welfare hearing in a couple of weeks time. I think it's terrible the court don't take into consideration bio links and family support.
My ex applied for 50:50 and to date I've agreed to 3 nights at a time. My ex normally refuses to communicate with me but now having seen the Cafcass report, she actually spoke to me asking me to increase the time she has. It really isn't in my son's best interests though. Plus I don't think it would be fair for her to gain more downtime than me whilst I'm left with the routine nursery days.

OP posts:

JagerPlease · 10/11/2019 15:37

Well I don't think being the biological mother has anything to do with it at all (I'm the non biological mother of my son and have had 50/50 custody since we split when he was 18 months old and he is just as bonded to me as his biological mother). It's all about what is in the best interests of the child. If he goes to nursery near year then it may well make sense for you to have more nights, but biology doesn't come into it

Lizadork · 10/11/2019 16:20

I think for a child - the biological mother is always the most important. You carried them, birthed them and perhaps breastfeed them. There is a bond and a NEED to be close.The other parent (male or female) becomes important in time, but courts and society often like to ignore the fact biologically we aren't equal. I know this is not a popular opinion but that doesn't mean it is not also true.

SarahH12 · 10/11/2019 16:26

YABU. She is just as much his mother as you are.

Original poster

ShimmerMoon · 10/11/2019 16:34

I totally disagree SarahH12. She didn't breastfeed him for 3 months...Nor do the day to day care or show any interest in his ever changing needs. I find it insulting that you think I am no more important. Of course I am and will always be. I have always been his main care giver.

OP posts:

TeenPlusTwenties · 10/11/2019 16:41

Why not do 3 nights every week?

That would be nearly 50-50 but no more than 3 nights away from you.
it could be collect from you Sun morning, then Sun, Mon, Tue - she drops to your nursery Wed am. (or if she can't do that distance on a Wed drop home to you for bedtime on Tue)

You each get a full day at the weekend.

This would work until the DC starts school.

SarahH12 · 10/11/2019 16:47

If your son is 2 and you breastfed him for 3 months, that means you haven't breastfed him for at least 21 months. Breastfeeding almost 2 years ago doesn't make you more important.

Who moved away - you or her? Family back up shouldn't mean she isn't allowed to see him as much. A lot of us don't have any family back up where we live.

TeenPlusTwenties has a good suggestion.

reginafelangee · 10/11/2019 16:47

You are both equal parents. You are not the owner of your child. You are not the sole decision maker.

It's in the best interests of your child to have a good relationship with each parent and your child has as much of a right to spend equal time with her other parent as you.

Which vagina your child came out of and who breastfed does not make one parent more important than the other.

Dollymixture22 · 10/11/2019 16:48

How does your ex think 50-50 will work when the little one is at school, different school every other week?

I think it’s best to get a routine now that will work once he starts school. It’s not that far away,

Rezie · 10/11/2019 16:57

I think it is totally relevant that you are the main caregiver. But biology is not the defining factor here. Yes, I'm sure the main caregiver is often the biological parent but putting emphasis on the biology rubs the wrong way since it suggests that parents that adopts children or long term step parents are lesser than biological parent.
If you were still together I doubt you'd use the "I'm the bio mom" card when making decisions.

Casander · 10/11/2019 16:59

I'm quite surprised by some of these answers, and while I don't disagree with other posters in principle, the fact is this has already been to court and assessed by CAFCASS to be in the child's best interests.

If it was the ex partner posting saying she had been assessed by CAFCASS and a court order had been awarded but she was pushing the ex to go against it and give her more contact the replies would probably be different.

Armadillostoes · 10/11/2019 17:04

YABVU-Not for wanting to stick with the arrangements which are at the moment in the best interests of the DC-that is obviously very reasonable. However, your attitude towards the other parent in this situation is shocking. It doesn't sound as though you ever saw yourself as one of two parents bringing up a child in a family, but rather perceived yourself as the "real" mum whom your ex just helped.

Soontobe60 · 10/11/2019 17:13

@ShimmerMoon
Good god, I can hear all lesbians screaming at you in horror!
. I think it's terrible the court don't take into consideration bio links and family support.
You should hang your head in shame. Your son has two mothers. He just happened to come out of your vagina. That does not give you exclusive rights over his other mother.

FirstTimeMummy1988 · 10/11/2019 17:25

So does this mean that fathers can't possibly love their children as much as mothers because they can't give birth?

Or that mothers of adopted children can't love a child like their bio mother could

Surfskatefamily · 10/11/2019 18:31

I dont think your attitude is right. But I agree with primary caregiver having the child more. 50/50 is rarely in the childs best interests

I definitly think a routine that would be sustainable come school age would be best for even now. So it would be long term and less upheaval for your child.

If your ex moved is it possible they could move a bit closer back towards you? Or you move a bit that way. The closer geographically you are the easier this will be

Purpleartichoke · 10/11/2019 18:40

You are equal parents in the eyes of the law and the eyes of the child. If you can’t see that, then it might be best if she had primary custody.

Her lack of family support should not be held against her. As long as she can provide a stable home she should be allowed to parent.

What are your plans going forward? The distance is going to become a big issue once the child is school aged. Now is a good time to start thinking about how the two of you are going to handle that. Whatever arrangements you make now should be with your goal at 5/6 in mind.

kitk · 10/11/2019 18:50

I agree with others that you need to be thinking longer term. I also split up from my (male, if relevant) partner when DD was 2. He moved 100 miles away and I wanted to move 100 miles in opposite direction. I saw zero benefit in making a short term plan given how difficult he can be so insisted on creating a plan that could last until DD old enough to make her own arrangements with him. It makes things much easier now. Who moved 90 miles away OP?

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