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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or did I sound controlling?

17 replies

rockinaroundthechristmastree · 10/11/2019 00:44

My husband works away and when he comes back at the weekend, I was hoping to spend some quality time together but instead he started drinking with his friend and then he went out to town after and he never comes back til the next day as he stays at his friends house. The next day is when he has to leave again first thing to go work the next morning which leaves no quality time at all together. I've expressed this to him very strongly and said I've had enough of it and that I really miss him and was hoping we'd just cuddle up in bed together and keep each other company but turns out he prefers to just go and see his friend instead of his own family. He then threw a hissy fit and started saying I am controlling and that he has been busy all week and everything he does is always for the family! Whereas I am the one who has been working, keeping the house tidy, shopping, looking after the kids, absolutely everything, I get no time for myself at all and still he cannot even stay with me for one evening. I am really fucking annoyed and feeling emotional Sad

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 10/11/2019 01:10

I think you're totally reasonable to be annoyed. I understand where he's coming from but working for the family and spending time with them are not the same at all.. good luck

HappyEverIftar · 10/11/2019 01:16

Is this every weekend?

It's not unreasonable to want to spend some time together. When he's working away, do you ever get the chance to discuss this? Does he recognise that this is unbalanced if you're never getting a break too? It doesn't seem fair and I'd be annoyed too.

Screwtheclockchange · 10/11/2019 01:21

"I understand where he's coming from but working for the family and spending time with them are not the same at all.."

Indeed. I've worked with a number of men over the years who assumed that earning a very nice wage was a substitute for actually spending time with their families. Most of them eventually ended up divorced.

IWantADifferentName · 10/11/2019 01:31

"I understand where he's coming from but working for the family and spending time with them are not the same at all.."

This!

If he doesn’t want to spend time with you, you can’t make him. Make your plans accordingly. Start looking for those ducks so you can put them in a line!

30to50FeralHogs · 10/11/2019 01:35

What is the point of him? He'd rather spend time with other people than you, so next time he goes, make sure he packs all his stuff and tell him not to bother coming back. He can make his financial contribution as maintenance payments and you can find someone who actually enjoys being with you. He's a tool.

Mothership4two · 10/11/2019 02:12

So he is home for about 24 hours a week? Is that right? Does he do this (go drinking) every weekend or was this a one off?

I would be annoyed too. I slightly understand where he is coming from. He spends all this time working away and wants some chill time. However, it is not acceptable for you to be carrying the family can with liitle or no time together. If he does this every weekend, there isn't really any point to him being your husband or part of the family and one day he may have lots of time to go for drinks with his friend!

OldEvilOwl · 10/11/2019 12:33

It depends if it's all the time or a one off?

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 10/11/2019 12:59

If this is every weekend YANBU and tbh even if it wasn't but quite regularly YANBU. If it was a once in a blue moon type of thing then YAPROBABLYBU (but it would secretly piss me off).

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/11/2019 13:19

Every weekend or the odd time? When is he supposed to socialise if he isn’t there due to supporting the family?

RainbowAlicorn · 10/11/2019 13:20

I hate it when workaholic men say I do it for the family, I remember my DH saying it to me once, I just turned around and said yeah but it isn't much good if the family isn't here is it? He got better after that and actually started spending time with me and our DD.

dudsville · 10/11/2019 13:27

If it's every weekend then he's no longer your partner, just a financial contributor to his family. Frequency matters. Also, if this is a long term his working away doesn't work for you as a family,

Ginfordinner · 10/11/2019 13:27

It sounds like he has checked out of the marriage

Beaverdam · 10/11/2019 14:16

Hes taking the piss and a selfish twat. Tell him hes having the kids and doing all the housework next weekend while you go out. Hes treating you like a nanny and sevant wrapped into one.

churchandstate · 10/11/2019 14:43

I think you need a real discussion with him about his level of involvement/investment in family life. This would upset me so much.

Croquembou · 10/11/2019 14:48

It depends if it's every weekend or if this was a one off? My husband works away (not a workaholic, he just works away) and I try and be conscious that it's not only me he hasn't seen when he comes home. But we don't have kids and I wouldn't like it every weekend...

Mitsouko67 · 10/11/2019 14:54

YADefinitelyNBU!!

Very cheeky especially when you've told him how you feel.

Starlight456 · 10/11/2019 14:58

I agree as a odd night out fine every weekend what is the point .

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