Help me please

[LovemyDDxx]

I hate being a mum now.

I’m a single mum, done it all on my own since she was a few weeks old. She’s now year 1, nearly 6 years old. I was lucky as she was a fantastic toddler and baby, she slept through etc.

She’s now being a little shit and I can’t cope. I actually want someone to take her from me. I don’t even know where to start. Nothing works. I’ve tried time out, no tv, no toys, I’ve threatened to take her toys away and to give them to better behaved children.

I’ve been kicked, punched, spat on, screamed at. My neighbours don’t help as they once went to the police saying I was beating her up when I wasn’t. The police came and saw she was just having a paddy. I’ve had Family Intervention Team help me move house a few months ago and they are now signing me off as I don’t need their support now. When I do. My child’s behaviour. You’d think she had some kind of behaviour issues. The school don’t help cos she’s lovely at school.

I’m crying typing this but I regret becoming a mum at this point... yet I love her so much.

The Father isn’t around. My mum is unwell with life threatening illness and my dad lives 100 miles away. No partner and I don’t have many friends.

She lies so much. She doesn’t tidy. She screams when I say no to getting in the bath with me. My house is a mess because I work and can’t keep on top of everything. I’m going nuts and I feel my anger about to explode. Why can’t she just do as she’s told. I don’t want people to say “but she’s at that age” I know she is I just want to know how to cope. I’m wanting to take away all her toys cos she does not appreciate any of them. She cuts them up. I’ve stopped felt tips or any sort of pen cos she used to used them to ruin her toys and my stuff too so now it’s just pencils. She covers her ears when I talk to her. I don’t want to smack her, yet I feel like I need to. But I don’t want to.

Help me please I feel so lost and I don’t want to lose control.

You poor thing, I really feel for you and I do know how you feel as I have been in the exact same position, single mum for all dd’s life , work , no family support. I would Find out if there are any parenting groups that you could go to . I am NOT saying you are a bad mum , but a group will be able to give you a programme to stick to to help with her behaviour, you will be with other parents in similar situations. It’s so hard , but do seek help. X

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds horrible. What you are describing does sound more than 'just her age'. Can you go to your GP or ask the school for referral to CAMHS?

My house is a mess but it is better now the children are older so don't worry about that now. There will be time to get on top of it later.

Is there anyone who can give you a break? If you are in the UK you could try Home Start. You need some time out to be yourself.

Most importantly you need someone else to see how bad this is and to support you and understand what you are feeling. I would really recommend your GP f you have not been there already.

All the best

Can you pin point when she changed?

It’s been a while since mine were that age, but I couldn’t just read that and run.

It sounds so silly but have you tried not reacting to her (in anger I mean), it used to just feed my dd and she’d be horrendous!

Reward charts were my friend at that age. We used to earn stars to have a day out / treat that dc really wanted.

On a side note, if your near Birmingham i’ll make the coffee :) good luck!

Have no advice but totally understand

I’m actually in tears now from reading the comments

I’ve heard of Homestart, I will definitely look into it. I might speak to the school Senco too and she what she says.

I’m not sure it’s more than just her age cos people never believe me that she can be like this. And that’s what hurts me so much. I feel like I’m being bullied by my own child!

I’m having a big break down and I honestly can’t cope anymore.

That Sunday so hard. Is she well-behaved in school?

@BouquetOfRoses yes very well behaved.

SEN teacher here. No reason to think it's anything more than her age and testing boundaries so don't jump to additional needs etc. You've tried lots of different things, too many, stop and pick one route and be 100% committed. You cannot waver at all, no "oh I let her off because she's been good today" you can't allow that, the only way to reset is to strip everything back. And you're looking at 6 weeks realistically to make any long term changes so don't give in after a week when it's not working.
1.) clear out all toys that she's broken and spoilt. She can't have them because she hasn't looked after them.
2.) all pens and scissors removed from her height.
3.) most toys gone (move to the loft/throw/mums house whatever you have to do but they need to be out of sight and she can't know they are near otherwise she will just kick off till she get them back). Do all this while she is out. She has to learn to look after and enjoy her items not destroy them and refuse to tidy up.
4.) when back explain that lots of her toys she had broken so they had to be thrown away and that you've let her keep her favourite toys but she needs to prove that she can look after these if she would like anything new in future.
5.) toys must be easy to tidy away, i.e. Two on the bed all others must fit into a toy box, it's not fair to expect her to tidy up if this is too difficult. Explain that you will help tidy away but she needs to be doing it too. If she refuses explain that any toys left out will be removed for two days. She will kick and show off, makes no difference, let her, remove the items and put them where she can't reach. Have a space ready as this will happen.

1. Be consistent and let her know before hand what is happening, i.e. Monday after school is swimming food and bed

Tuesday is tv from 3:30-5 and then food and bed Wednesday is playing with toys till 4:30 and then food and bed Thursday is bath time Whatever it is it needs to have set times and she needs reminders, put them on your phone and tell her ten minutes before then end and then five minutes before the end.

1. Tidy up time can never be missed, it's a nightly routine.
2. When she tries to hit you, hurt you, scream at you whatever, just stay calm, do not cry, just repeat I love you and I always will but I do not like your behaviour so I'm going to walk away from you. And walk away. If she flows you shut yourself in the kitchen or bathroom (if you are happy that she can't come to any harm and obviously keep checking) most the time you will know where she is because she will be outside smashing the door trying to get to you. Let her scream and kick the door, get it all out of her system, and then once she's over the worst go out and say "would you like short story before bed?". She may then get angry seeing you again and start again. If so let her. Do not engage with screaming just stay calm. The sooner she realises that the behaviour isn't getting her attention (negative or positive) the sooner it will stop.

Always praise the good, praise praise praise, thank you for helping me with putting stuff away we have time for a longer book/cuddle now. Thank you for helping me you are such a good help to me. Thank you for being so kind, you've made me feel so happy today. You've done the wonderful, how clever. Etc. Anything you can find to praise do it. It will not be easy, you have to realise how bad it is and how much you need this to change and be strong now because it will only get worse till you become unmovable. Kids love structure and to know where they stand, don't waver, don't give an inch. You may be up for hours of screaming the first week as she won't like this and will be sure she can break you. Cry once she's asleep. You've got this, you can do it, but it's not easy, but you can do it. Stay strong mumma, tomorrow is a new day.

^^^ This! 🙌🙌

Not able to offer advice, OP, but

And just want to say to @HiJenny35 〜
Wow, what a very generous, and fabulous post!

Should be a sticky post of it somewhere.

I'm sorry OP you are having tough time.

Great Post hi jenny.

op sorry, it sounds really tough.

I think I would request a referral to Camhs. Doesn't sound 'normal' to me.

both of my DC have some form of SN. my younger is academically very able and perfect at school but extremely difficult at home (she is masking at school). Camhs haven't ruled out HFA yet... not saying that your DD is on the spectrum. Just making the point that being 'good' at school does not necessarily mean all is fine.

She is using up all her mental energy at school to behave. She is misbehaving for you because you are her safe person. She can finally relax and all that tension and fear that has built up inside her comes out because she is a child and doesn’t know how to channel it.

There is a good chance your daughter has some sort of underlying issue. It could be something big like autism, it could be that she is an introvert, it could be that the school day is just a bit long for her... getting to the heart of the issue can help, but it isn’t necessarily mandatory.

I’ve dealt with this with my daughter and there were days I just couldn’t believe this was my life.

You need to step back and think about how you can simplify your interactions with her. For dd, I made a flip chart with her Evening chores written out in explicit detail. Instead of yelling because she doesn’t hang her coat up properly and put her backpack in the right spot, i got a bin and she dumps everything into it. Really stepping back and trying to make our lives calmer by looking at the tension points And changing them gave my dd space to decompress. Her behavior improved and I was raising my voice less often.

I would start by looking at the point of time in the day when she is at her worst. What is happening then. How can you change it so that you are both happier in that moment?

Brilliant post @HiJenny35

Great post by hijenny! Worth saving

@HiJenny35 thank you! I have saved this and I am going to try it! I’m gonna get it sorted this week. I don’t want to say much more about our life as I don’t want anybody to recognise me.

Thank you to everybody else! Today is a slightly better day, but I’m on edge on when the next tantrum is going to be!

How are you doing, OP?

@Goldenchildsmum sorry I’ve only just seen your comment!

She’s slightly better thank you. She still has her moments. Things like instead of saying wait a minute, I tell her to count to 60 and once she done that then I would make sure I am ready. She’s excited for Christmas. I’ve also been told 12-15 months for my own house, and I can’t wait 😁

@HiJenny35 - what a great advice - hope it works for you OP
I cannot advise you - but sending you and