To feel a bit shitty about this? SEN related.

[RebornFlame]

I’m actually very sure I’m just being a bit of a dick but here goes.... My older son has ASD (undiagnosed and prob ADHD which under the NHS isn’t diagnosed till 7+) and is 6. He’s in mainstream education and has a wonderful TA dedicated to him.

I was on a walk today with a fellow class mum and our children and whilst ds deigned to stop climbing trees for 2 minutes and walk with us I mentioned our great news which was that he’d scored 8/10 on his spellings. A gradual improvement from the 1-5/10 he’d been scoring since joining yr 2. My lovely friend was genuinely happy and congratulated us both but when her own son piped up and said he’d also got 8/10 she jokily berated him in front of me and ds and asked her son what on Earth went wrong!

AIBU to think she slightly undermined what was a massive win for ds and by proxy me and could have been a bit more tactful if she wasn’t pleased with her own (NT) sons results.

Or am I being a bit of a sensitive arse (entirely possible and no offence taken if anyone says so )

You should ask for ability matched spellings for your DS so he's regularly getting most of them correct.

It's a bit wanky to do what she did - has she form for this or was it one of those foot in mouth moments she'll have gone home and kicked herself for?

I like the thought of that to boost his confidence but at the same time don’t want him othered from his class mates any more than he is already.

She is a genuinely warm hearted lovely women who’s also incredibly assertive and competitive. She has one foot in mouth occurrence after another!

It must be taken in context, for your son 8/10 is a marked improvement (well done to him btw), for your friends son that may be an unusually low score for him, plus you said that it was said in a joking tone, so she wasn’t berating her DS. So I think you may be being a little sensitive.

(As an aside, I think yabu to say your DS has asd and then say he is undiagnosed, in that case he is ‘suspected as having asd’. I bring this up because declaring a medical condition when undiagnosed undermines the process that many parents go through for a considerably long time before being categorically diagnosed)

pinkyu all points taken aboard there.

I have spent years denying and shying away from the fact that ds isn’t NT and it’s only my own fault and ds’s superhuman ability to mask that he doesn’t yet have a clear diagnosis. From his first day in nursery I’ve had teacher asking me for ‘the chat’ whilst I vigorously denied any neuro diverging behaviours. He has had to have 1:1 input since he started in education. The diagnosis will be simply a label for what’s already there.

The competitive thing would put me off; I don't like competing over DC in any form regardless of SEN (I have a friend with a DC the same age as my DS1 who has Autism, her DD was a straight-A genius throughout primary school and she always pushed to ensure I knew it - her youngest child has recently been diagnosed with Autism and it's like life has come full circle now because she's suddenly not interested in results and marks and which reading group anyone's in; I find it so sad that it took her having her own DC with Autism to learn that sensitivity which ought to be innate to parents).

YANBU to be a little hurt by her insensitivity. You also wouldn't be U to mention to her that you felt miffed by it.

I think the way OP worded it doesn't undermine the process of a diagnosis. DS1 here had Autism before he was diagnosed with Autism; we knew it, his Teachers and TA's knew it, our GP knew it, his Nursery Key Workers knew it. Autism exists even without a diagnosis.

I think it's wanky to tell any 6 yo child 8/10 isn't good enough and particularly in front of a parent/child for whom it's an achievement, yes.

Thank you FudgeBrownie2019 you’ve worded that so much more succinctly than I did!

I think you are (totally understandably) being a bit sensitive. The context is important. For your ds 8/10 is a brilliant achievement and she was genuinely pleased for him. For her ds 8/10 might have been his worst score all year.

I hope with a diagnosis your son can get all the official support he needs.

I suspect the same re: sensitivity teachemaths I need sleep!

Meh foot in mouth moment by her. If that's the worse you will be lucky.

I think she might have been attempting to not allow her son to match your son's moment of triumph and not quite realising what she'd said!

Agree 100% with @VanyaHargreeves
Who would even jokingly berate a 6 Year old for getting 8/10 in a spelling test?

Oh goodness, if you want to say you think your son has a condition, but hasn’t actually got a confirmed diagnosis, why does someone have to be ridiculous about it , just because other parents struggle to get a diagnosis.
Who cares, this is your child. Don’t apologise for that

As to your friend, it was, more than likely an unthinking comment, one she probably cursed herself for saying, but more than likely not meant to hurt your feelings, so you are being too sensitive about that.

There are a few people who do like to say hurtful things, but since you said she nice, I doubt it was the case.

Nobody is perfect, and I’m sure we’ve all inadvertently said things, non maliciously, that we wish we hadn’t uttered.

Are you correct about the diagnosis age, I work with lots of diagnosed ASD children under 7.
Maybe it's the area you are in?
I would be suprised.

It can't possibly be the case that all 30 kids in the class are on the same spelling list- one more different list being practised shouldn't even be noticeable. If they are all learning the same list, your school is shit.

I realise you problem is with your friend not the spellings, but I feel sorry for your DS doing something he fails at repeatedly. That's no good to anyone.

There’s only 9 in the class ( v rural) and they’re all given the same spellings.

ASD diagnosis earlier but specifically ADHD at 7+

Ha! I have 8 children in my class and 5 or 6 different spelling lists each week. It's really not that difficult to do. Anyway, it's a separate point to your friend being indiscreet.

Well done to your little guy in his huge improvement..im sure your really proud of him. My ds was diagnosed with adhd at age 5 (many years ago) so i no first hand how hard this achievement would be.😉

If he's getting 8/10, that's terrific and a good indication that he does not actually need differentiated spelling lists. And the other mother should have been encouraging to BOTH children, that 8/10 is a GOOD score.

Foot in mouth. She's probably dying if shame. It hurts though.
If she's normally good and supportive, the rant here and let her off.
In your place and I regularly go through the same thing.