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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset?

14 replies

Freya855 · 09/11/2019 19:14

Stepmum and DF were together for many years and blissfully happy. DF died at the end of 2016 and stepmum was of course distraught but in summer of 2018, met a newly separated man. He was months out of a long marriage. It got serious very quick and this weekend on his birthday, they announced they were marrying. Aibu to feel upset? I am really shocked and seems a bit of a rushed decision. Just wasn't expecting it I guess although there were signs a proposal was about to happen

OP posts:

CatUnderTheStairs · 09/11/2019 19:20

How old are they? As you get older you sometimes want to move more quickly.

Also, I remember reading on here that people who have been in happy relationships then been widowed often do move on quickly as the we’re happy and want to have that again.

My brother lost his wife a few years ago, staring seeing someone a year later and would happily have married her if she’d said yes. She was divorced and not keen to get married again. They are still very happily together and it’s lovely to see them.

So while it might be hard for you to see it’s probably a real compliment to your father.

ragged · 09/11/2019 19:25

From what you say they have been dating > 15 months & they aren't getting any younger. Do you like him ok? Isn't it great he makes her happy.

Original poster

Freya855 · 09/11/2019 19:25

Both late fifties. Not convinced he is over his ex as it was a shock affair on her side and he is still very bitter. So that worries me as well. 😕

OP posts:

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/11/2019 19:28

As much as you miss and cherish your Dad, her moving on doesn't devalue the love she had (and still has) for him.

Some people are better at moving on than others; it might be their age, it might be their personalities, it might be the far of spending their latter years alone. Whatever the reason, you're not U to be upset, but you'd be U to use your upset to try and hurt or upset either of them, or refuse to feel happy for them.

Original poster

Freya855 · 09/11/2019 19:30

I know. It's just a huge shock and worried he has rushed into proposing because of his own marriage ending not all that long ago.
I would never say all of this to them.

OP posts:

Trafalger · 09/11/2019 19:32

My grandad started "courting" his "lady friend" 4 months after my Nanna had died. They had been married for 59 ish years.

They got married less than 2 years after my Nanna had died, and had 18 years together before my grandad died.

That was seen by some as quick. 3 years doesn't seem that quick after your dad passing away, but I can truly understand why you may be upset.

ragged · 09/11/2019 19:33

Do you know how long your SM & DF dated before they got engaged?

Guavaf1sh · 09/11/2019 19:34

I would cut her some slack. 2016 is three years ago. You only live once in this world

Original poster

Freya855 · 09/11/2019 19:37

7 years.
I am not judging stepmum but she pronounced deep love for this man just 2 months in and I worry she is taking on a carer /therapist role which she had with df (He had parkinsons).
I will not show my anxiety or upset.

OP posts:

lborgia · 09/11/2019 19:40

The only point I can see I'd quite an important one - in a different post you would have plenty of people concerned about that bitterness. Sounds like rebound on his side...I hope, like you, that it's not too quick. I think your SM behind recently bereaved is a red herring, it's the kind of man she's marrying that is the issue. As his fiancee's stepdaughter it is weird that tot are aware of his attitude towards his ex - sounds as if he can't rein it in, and hasn't sorted out his emotions.

Original poster

Freya855 · 09/11/2019 19:44

He talks to everyone about how badly he was treated and how stepmum came along at just the right time. She is used to being a carer so it seems she is being one to him now as well which is not what anyone wants for her.
I want to make it clear though that I would never show my anxiety or sadness about this. I just feel it privately.

OP posts:

Whatsername7 · 09/11/2019 19:45

You are allowed to be upset. You lost your dad. You can't move on or find a second happiness because, unlike partners, you can't ever have another dad. It must hurt like hell. You are right not to say anything negative to your SM, but also right to be worried too - you worry because you care about her and that is ok. I think you need to try and find some happiness for her, it can't have been easy being a carer for your dad and she is still young enough to start again. Yanbu for being upset though. Infact, I think it is normal in your position to feel the way you do.

bridgetreilly · 09/11/2019 19:55

It's reasonable to worry, but I'm afraid it's unreasonable to be upset. It's a good thing that she's found someone else to be happy with, not a bad thing. And it's certainly no reflection on her relationship with your father. People grieve in their own time and are ready to move on in their own time. It's okay that her timeline is different from yours.

Accountant222 · 09/11/2019 19:55

I understand where you're coming from, my Mother remarried 6 years after my Dad died, I felt she was betraying him, probably because I loved him dearly and couldn't stand her.

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