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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU when I said no to boyfriend?

25 replies

Petals23 · 09/11/2019 18:26

I'm with my boyfriend 3 years. We used to live close by until a year ago when he moved an hour's drive away to a different city. Since then, due to work schedules and him being further away, we don't see each other during the week except when we're both off etc, but would usually spend 1 night at the weekend in one of our places. There's been a couple of occasions when he called and wasn't staying over and we were intimate, then he went home.

This was the situation today as we both have things on tonight. Anyway we had lunch and before he left he started to initiate things, getting romantic. I knew where it was leading, and I can't explain why but I just didn't want to do it this afternoon before he left. He was okay with it but it's the first time I've ever said no. I'm feeling a bit guilty because I know he was keen to. Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 09/11/2019 18:28

No of course you’re not BU. You should never feel obligated to have sex if you don’t want to.

pinkyredrose · 09/11/2019 18:28

Of course you're not unreasonable. Do you think you might be emotionally moving away from the relationship? Or did you feel like a booty call?

wineisnecessary · 09/11/2019 18:33

Your not serious ?
Is this your first sexual relationship?
How was he when you said no ? If he was off with you he's a arse .
Come on now woman & men sometimes don't feel like it so say no but no you shouldn't feel guilty unless he made you feel like that then he's in the wrong .

emilybrontescorsett · 09/11/2019 18:34

Apart from a anything else, I don't think this is much of a relationship.
I would think that if you want it to be serious you could stay alternative weekends at each other's house.
I don't think you were being unreasonable, he doesn't sound very committed to you.

Wildorchidz · 09/11/2019 18:35

How was he when you said no ? If he was off with you he's a arse .

The op said he was ok with it.

Sparklesocks · 09/11/2019 18:36

You’re not obligated to have sex everytime. If you’re not into it you’re not into it, it happens.

Do you think the fact you don’t see each other that much and are busy with work etc might be playing a role in this?

kimlo · 09/11/2019 18:41

This the first time you have said no in 3 years? In 3 years you have never just not wanted to?

You can say no whenever, for what ever reason. Consent can be withdrawn at any point.

ControversialFerret · 09/11/2019 18:47

YANBU. Not one bit. And I would feel the same in your shoes - if you aren't spending much time together; a quick shag and then not staying the night

wineisnecessary · 09/11/2019 18:59

The op said he was ok with it.
Sorry missed that but then I don't understand the guilt then if he was fine with it .

Thehop · 09/11/2019 19:01

Don’t be daft, nobody has to have sex if they don’t want to. What would you advise a friend?

AJPTaylor · 09/11/2019 19:15

First time in 3 years?

Original poster
Petals23 · 09/11/2019 21:45

Thanks everyone.

@ControversialFerret I think that was how I was feeling today.

I also think it's because he made a decision to move away, we see less of each other and I'm just not going to be on for it when it suits him. He seemed okay about it but I know he was disappointed and asked me was I playing hard to get.

Maybe one of the posters is right and because we don't see a lot of each other I am emotionally starting to move away. Can't explain why I felt off with him today.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 09/11/2019 22:09

He seemed okay about it but I know he was disappointed and asked me was I playing hard to get.

so he wasn't really 'okay' with it... Flowers

theboxfamilytree · 09/11/2019 22:14

asked me was I playing hard to get

Urgh

amiloaday · 09/11/2019 22:27

Can't explain why I felt off with him today.

You probably felt used.

Asking you if you're playing hard to get is gross. You barely see the guy! A once a week shag doesn't cut it.

Alsioma · 10/11/2019 01:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Petals23 · 10/11/2019 06:52

He did say "are you playing hard to get" in a jokey way. Do people think we're maybe growing apart because we only see one another for 1 night at the weekend?

OP posts:
LimeRedBanana · 10/11/2019 06:59

and asked me was I playing hard to get.

That is so ... Hmm

How did him asking you that make you feel?

DianaT1969 · 10/11/2019 07:03

Do you go for days out, evenings out, socialise together with friends? If not, I'd say this is just a convenient FWB situation for him. What do you want?

Waytooearly · 10/11/2019 07:05

No one wants to feel like a booty call.

Hard to get?! He was the one who moved away.

I'd recommend telling him how you feel. Seeing someone once a week isn't much of a relationship.

Smelborp · 10/11/2019 07:05

asked me was I playing hard to get.

That’s so gross. It’s absolutely ok to feel not in the mood. The idea of ‘hard to get’ implies if he puts more pressure on, you’ll say yes which is fairly disgusting.

prawnsword · 10/11/2019 07:05

It sounds like you’re unhappy he moved an hour away, the relationship is going backwards not forwards. If every time he comes around there is an expectation that sex will occur, it would feel to me like being used & lack of a real true intimacy.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/11/2019 10:50

Sounds to me.... like you've just become a booty call and you're maybe feeling that too OP. You're not getting closer you've gotten father apart.

LEELULUMPKIN · 10/11/2019 10:53

Three years and this is as far as the relationship has got? A weekly shag?

Open your eyes OP, you are being used.

GladAllOver · 10/11/2019 12:44

If he's only coming to see you for sex then you need to find someone who thinks more of you.

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