To ask how to approach this christmas?

[Ladyofthenuvarings]

My DH has a 21-year-old daughter that was born when he was in his late teens, he and her mother were never very serious but always very amicable and towards the end good friends.DH and I have been married for ten years have two kids of our own. He has always been very involved with his DD, but she always spent Christmas with her mother because that's what she wanted . I get on very well with DSD she is a lovely girl but were not overly close IYSWIM .

Her mother died three years ago and since then DSD has chosen to travel at Christmas going backpacking as I think she found the whole thing too painful.She's in her final year at uni and due to assignments has decided to stay at home this Christmas. I want to make things special for her but also be respectful of traditions she may have had with her mother. I have posted another thread asking for gift ideas and I am confident I can sort that out. But how else can I involve her? I don't want her to feel like an outsider. We go to my parents on Christmas Eve and they are more than happy to have her. I don't want her to feel forced as she doesn't know them well.

I know I'm overthinking this but I don't know whether to have a chat with her or just see how it pans out.

I think it is great that you are thinking about this. I would ask her if she has any traditions or events that she would like to introduce to your family group...as she is very much part of it. Hope you have a great Christmas!

Ask her. She will have her own ideas and might want to be involved with the planning.

You sound lovely.

The idea of asking her if there is anything special she would like to do or any tradition she would like to observe is great.

If your parents give you all gifts on Christmas Eve please speak to them to ensure there is something for your DSD.

If the little ones have stockings maybe include her in that (obviously age appropriate) as a child of the family even though she is not a child herself any more.

I think I’d send her a message (however you usually communicate) and say how pleased you are that she is coming and that you really want her to let you know if there is anything she very much wants to do (or not do).

To be honest you sound so thoughtful that I’m sure you will get it right if you play it by ear.

Does your dh have any family? Mil, fil siblings maybe you could invite them around as well

I would add that you shouldn’t try and organise for her to be doing “something” continuously while she’s with you. She may want a bit of time to herself as well (partly to study) and maybe you could tell her that you won’t be offended if she also wants to make independent plans for how she spends her time.

Perhaps you could start a new ‘tradition’ this year so that she doesn’t feel like an add on in ‘your’ Christmas?

If you have a good relationship and think you could approach it in a way so as not to upset her why don’t you just talk to her about her Mum & her childhood Christmases? Ask her if there are any special things she’d like to do to keep her Mum a part of the day or equally if there’s something that she would rather avoid (such as a film they always watched together on Christmas Eve for example) if it would upset her or she wants to keep those childhood memories almost sacred.

I think you sound like a lovely step mum and she has chosen to spend this day with you for a reason.

I agree you should ask, there may be something she very much misses or even something that she'd like to avoid as it would be too hard.

If it were me in all honesty I think I would be considering altering my xmas eve plans this year, either staying at home and doing something nice just as a family, or inviting my parents over if it were some sort of non negotiable, rather than risk starting it off with her feeling alienated.

Poor girl sounds like she is going to feel alone enough as it is and I think setting a precedent of being fully welcome would be nice. Most people wouldn't want to go to someone else's parents house where everyone is familiar and engaging in xmas traditions.

I'd also ask her if theres anything she would like to do or not do, any traditions she would like to uphold etc. I'd also attempt to clear the way for her to have time alone with her dad, even if just an interlude for a tea and memories of mum that they can share.

You sound really thoughtful and I’m sure the effort you’re going to will be appreciated.

As well as traditions, maybe ask her if there’s anything in particular she likes to eat at Christmas? We always have certain breakfasts, sweets and drinks and I’d feel quite put out if we didn’t. And talk to her about what you do re present opening so that she can watch your younger dc opening presents if she wants, or have an extra hour in bed if she can’t face it. And if she goes quiet and slopes off to her room, remember not to take it personally.

I agree with the Christmas Eve at home this year - what would be ideal is if your parents could come to you for this one, then theirs next year with DSD if she spends next Xmas with you too. Then she could meet your parents without feeling she's tagging along?

As for the rest, just ask. Maybe a text or email if you feel it's important to get the words right. But just what you've said here - tell her you're so pleased and looking forward to having Xmas with her, but you're also aware that it must be difficult for her in many ways so you want to ask if you can make plans together to get it right for everyone. Does she have traditions between her and her mum that she'd like to bring to yours? - or, equally, that she'd rather avoid? Emphasise that you're laid back about organising and if she'd like to suggest anything food or fun related that says 'Xmas' to her then wonderful.

You sound like a very considerate and thoughtful person which is lovely. I would simply ask your DSD, what she would like to do over Christmas. She is an adult,and is likely to be very open minded about things,due to her Uni and travel experiences, meaning that she may be an "anything goes" kind of girl.

I agree with PP, I would stay at home for Christmas this year and start making new traditions with DSD.

You are doing a great job already - well done. I would probably ask her what she would like to do. Give her options. She may be tired after all of the assignments and need time to just chill.

I did offer to host the Christmas Eve party this year, but my father is having an operation and won't be able to come to us. I have four siblings and they will all be at my parents. She has met my parents several times and they always give to her at Christmas but she still wouldn't know them that well. I think I will give her the option of going, she can stay home if she wishes and she and DH can do something together. We'll take both cars and she can leave early if she feels like it also. I realize it's not ideal but I've committed to my parents and helping with the food before I knew she was coming.

Think ill give her a ring and have a chat. I would love to make some new traditions, especially with our other DDs as they don't get to spend much time with her.I'll ask if there's any tradition she'd like to keep going like watching a certain movie, etc.I was thinking I might ask her to help me with the planning, doing the food shop etc will be so nice to have another adult around.

We go to see DHs family on Christmas day night into boxing day and she will come with us for that.