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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bitchy school mums.

25 replies

Starlet79 · 09/11/2019 14:03

I am not perfect but I consider myself a nice person, often too kind and let others walk all over me and I cannot stick up for myself. There’s people I don’t like but I’m not horrible to them. I iust keep away. I tend to keep myself to myself. I know a lot of people to chat to but never formed any close friendships.

Live in a small village. It’s obvious it’s a bit cliquey and bitchy but never had an issue with anyone hence the keeping myself to myself.

So there’s a mum of a little boy in DD’s class. I don’t know her well but would also say hello how are you? How’s the children type of thing. We became friends on Facebook and occasionally spoke on there, very occasionally. She lives down the street but not overly close. Don’t see her apart from the school run.

So this woman has deleted me and a friend, I noticed a week or two ago. Didn’t think much of mainly because I didn’t know her that well anyway and maybe she’s just wanted to be friends with those she’s close with. Fine.

So took DD to a party today and said woman was there. I said hello. She just point blank ignored me and glared at me so I went to sit down. A bit awkward as we were the only guests there at this time. I was fractionally early. So more guests started turning up, more parents I know, general chit chat with them. All good.

But I could just sense said woman keep looking over my way (other side of room) and whispering to another mum (who also seems pretty bitchy). It’s like kids in a playground seriously. I’m the type of person that would smile back at them just to remain calm and not make the situation worse. I don’t like falling out with anyone. I haven’t fallen out with many people in my 28 years on this planet.

So I don’t know that the hell this woman has a problem with. I could not name one thing I’ve done wrong myself. I keep wondering if my children have done something to upset her or her little ones. Mine have additional needs and by no means perfectly behaved but we generally have no problems with their behaviour with other children. . I’ve also figured that her husband knows my sil. Could it be something sil has done to Annoy her? I actually have no idea.

I know this is a bit long. I just went to vent somewhere anonymously.

Aibu to ask what her problem is? This is not something I’ve ever done with anyone before! I’ve never had to. I’m just hurt people can make you feel so low quite clearly bitching and glaring at someone at a birthday party.

I have anxiety and It just makes me feel so low that ladies that are clearly older than me as well would make someone feel so crap for no obvious reason

I mean if there’s a problem. Why not approach me? If I’ve upset someone I’d like to know and put it right.

OP posts:
Starlet79 · 09/11/2019 14:04

A bit long sorry

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 09/11/2019 14:07

Ignore it. 99.9% of my kids school mums are lovely, but there's one or two who judge me for not going back to work yet. I just don't bother engaging with them. Their kids though are lovely, so I just chat to them when they come bounding up to me haha. Seriously, just ignore it op, pay then no heed, they're not worth your time if that's what they're like.

yellowmelon · 09/11/2019 14:08

This would upset me too, though I don't have any advice I'm afraid - just sympathy Flowers I hope someone comes along soon who can give you some guidance.

spanglydangly · 09/11/2019 14:11

I think I'd ask, just to see her reaction really! I bet it's something Perry.

MuchBetterNow · 09/11/2019 14:11

It's crap when this happens but you need to do your best to ignore her and her nonsense, she's looking for drama, if you approach her and ask why she's acting like this it'll just be meat and potatoes to her, she'll lap it up.

She's not your friend so she's no loss. If it escalates into malicious gossip that has no foundation it would be the time to say something but keep it official. A wee "cease and desist" letter from a solicitor will be enough to make her terrified to make you a victim of her silly shit.

Starlet79 · 09/11/2019 14:11

Thank you. I wonder if that’s what it is actually @YouJustDoYou. I never thought of that. I don’t work (partner does) but most of the mothers at the school manage to. I do feel judged for this most of time.

OP posts:
spanglydangly · 09/11/2019 14:11

Petty not Perry!

PinkPonyPalace · 09/11/2019 14:14

I’m the mum of children with SEN. There are some mums from our (also small village school) who think it’s unfair that they get extra help in the classroom, exams, funding support, etc. (They have EHCPs, which where we are, you have to show severe need to get.)
They resent that their children don’t have a 1-1 TA, for example. Even though they’re children don’t have additional needs, somehow my children are getting an unfair advantage. Several have complained directly to the headteacher about it!
I used to care, but I no longer do. It says way more about them - and if they ignore my polite ‘hi, how’re you doing?’ when I see them at school or bump into them elsewhere, again, says more about them.
Try not to sweat it. If they’re rude, would you really want to be friendly with them anyway?

Starlet79 · 09/11/2019 14:15

Her and the other woman she was with today are known to be very bitchy (you can just tell and they post so much drama on Facebook) so I don’t think it’s just me but I feel like crap when I strive to a good person. I would never want to upset anyone. Even people I don’t particularly like there’s no need for it imo.

I don’t think they realise how bad they are sometimes. There’s a mum/neighbour I’m friends with who’s always posting how bitchy the school is on her Facebook account, how it’s like kids at school. Yet she is probably the worst for it. I just don’t think she realises.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 09/11/2019 14:16

@Starlet79 the main mum who refused to talnto me asked me "so what do you do?" When ds started Reception. When I replied I was a current stay at home parent she actually blinked, said "....Oh....", and walked away from me lol. Refused to talk to me for the next year haha. One other mother was similar- is still pleasant to me, but because I'm currently a sahp doesn't really care to engage. That's fine! When I think the first one realised I didn't actually give a shit she now tries to talk to me now and then (when there are no other parents around yet), but I just remain polite but don't really engage. Honestly, don't let it worry you. It's not you, it's honestly them.

Starlet79 · 09/11/2019 14:17

I get it @PinkPonyPalace. My two both have autism and have EHCP’s and extra support. Said woman knows this though and she once told me that her relative has autism and said she understood so I have no idea why she’s being like this now!

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 09/11/2019 14:19

There are some mums from our (also small village school) who think it’s unfair that they get extra help in the classroom, exams, funding support, etc

Crikey, thats awful!! Village mums seem so bitchy! I grew up in that kind of environment (Surrey, 🤮), and even picked up on it as a kid, but can't believe they'd stoop to being THAT petty they'd begrudge sen kids getting the help they need!!!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 09/11/2019 14:28

Sounds really bad. Why are women so bitchy? I definitely wouldn't confront. Just chat to other mothers and ignore them.

Ellapaella · 09/11/2019 14:29

Next time you see her ask her what the problem is and why she ignored you, tell her you found it quite upsetting and rude. Call her out on it, the longer people get away with crap like this the worse they get. You have nothing to lose by just asking her.

Ellapaella · 09/11/2019 14:30

You don't have to be confrontational - just ask.

eddiemairswife · 09/11/2019 14:30

I'd hate to live in a 'nice' English village.

Elieza · 09/11/2019 14:37

I’d be exceptionally polite and nice to her and ask if you’re mistaken or is she not speaking to you and if not what is it you’re supposed to have done.

It could be she’s mistaken you for someone else who has done something awful or something?

If it’s not that and she’s having a pop at you about nothing then you needing bother your backside about her.

I’d want to know because if gossip is spreading that your the “wife of a murderer” or some other untrue crap it could give you real problems. I’ve been there. Well not quite there but I’ve had problems when an untrue rumour started about me being involved in some local drama which I am definitely not. I don’t do drama.

Starlight456 · 09/11/2019 14:41

Honestly don’t give her head space . It could be anything real or imagined .

I have a school mum who ignores me . My Ds has Adhd ( he is not violent) but has done impulsive things . Her Ds is very odd.. she has complained to teacher about my Ds . It was only when I got called bin I made clear the other side. The family make an active point to ignore my Ds and may . I used to feel uncomfortable . Now I hold my head up high my Ds and I haven’t done anything wrong

My point been it is hard but don’t make yourself feel uncomfortable. I found joking about my best friend helped my feelings move on.

There are horrible people everywhere

MintyMabel · 09/11/2019 14:42

Crikey, thats awful!! Village mums seem so bitchy! I grew up in that kind of environment (Surrey, 🤮), and even picked up on it as a kid, but can't believe they'd stoop to being THAT petty they'd begrudge sen kids getting the help they need!!!

That’s not a village thing. I’ve heard this attitude plenty of times from all over the place. The worst was from a friend of my sister, complaining about how parents were being so selfish because they were forcing the school to put ramps in so their child could go there. It was apparently really disruptive and stealing money from her kids’ education.

1forAll74 · 09/11/2019 14:54

I would simply ignore these types of women, and certainly never get involved with all this FB rubbish. You sound like a nice person.so don't get mixed up with shallow people.

Mjlp · 09/11/2019 14:54

Ignore her. Whatever her problem is, it's her problem, not yours, so don't let her make it yours Flowers

abigailsnan · 09/11/2019 15:18

From experience about an incident which happened years ago I would say please ignore this woman and don't let her know she is bothering you,that will make her more up herself than she is.
When my husband was offered a new position yrs ago within his Company we had to move to a village enviroment in fact the Village was run by the Company and we where given the choice of housing within the village,one mother took exception to us for no real reason and she and her 2 x children made my sons life a misery and she ignored me every time I said hello and refused every invitation to play or parties,one day when in a group of mums one of the mums asked me what my husbands position was within the Company and she heard he was the new Chief Scientist at the plant her attitude changes completly !! far too late in my opinion she was never invited again.So ignore this woman and let her get over what ever has upset her she's not worth the worry.

elmosducks · 09/11/2019 17:55

I would send her a message asking what you have done, and take it from there.

But ultimately, I wouldn't want to associate with anyone who behaved like that.

RosieLancs · 09/11/2019 18:32

Just ignore her very existence.
People like that want a reaction and anything you say or do will be twisted into something to bitch about so ignore her or if a situation forces you to interact be super nice.

People like that are nobs and want to upset people so giving her no reaction at all will really annoy her.

Knittedfairies · 09/11/2019 18:36

...there's one or two who judge me for not going back to work yet.

I used to get that: I told them I was having a gap year.

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