To ask why you think people are habitually two faced?

[Amini]

I've known a number of people like it over the years, a recent example is a woman I know who always has something horrible to say about somebody else, more often than not that 'somebody' is another friend of hers.

She will gossip about friends private lives and express her disgust at XYZ, mock their appearance or struggles, all the while being overtly friendly to the people in question.

What's that about? Do they do it because they think you want to hear all that rubbish, or is it an in built, negative personality trait? Perhaps a learned one?

I just don't get it.

AIBU to say some people are just sour bitches?

I don't know WHY people are like it. But I've finally learned that its nearly ALWAYS the person who smiles sweetly and is nice to you that is the worst when you're not there. It's quite sad actually.

They actively enjoy and get a kick out of it.

This is my Mil and sil, they gossip and judge peoples personal lives behind their backs and are all sweet and nice with a smile to them in person. They also promise lots of things and never deliver on them. No idea why they do it. I avoid telling them any information
I agree with NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 it's always the ones with the sweet smiles

some people love gossips, are weak and unable to do anything but smile sweetly because confrontations are far too big for them.

You know they gossip about you, so stay away.

Learnt behaviour.
Even as a DC my Aunts and DM disgusted me when they tore the back of someone, especially someone they had been chatting happily too moments before.
I hate it, everyone has a little chin wig if something obvious happened like when a colleague had a toilet accident and soaked her underwear in the kitchen sink but general bitchy back biting behaviour bugs me it puts me immediately off the person doing it.

I worked with someone like this, she had "fans" and was incredibly divisive. I think it's a power thing, I avoided her and am absolutely sure she slated me at every opportunity because I didn't buy into her crap.

I do think it’s learnt behaviour. Probably a strategy for protecting their own self-esteem, but a horrible one.

There will be someone along soon to minimise it by pointing out that absolutely everyone does it to some extent - there was a similar thread not long ago. You can tell who the people are who recognise themselves in this and prefer to think it’s absolutely fine. They always suggest that unless you are 100% honest in every way at all times, you’re essentially just the same as an overtly two-faced, gleefully nasty, deliberately false person.

Which is bullshit, of course.

They do it because really they feel inferior to others.

It seems to be a habit from certain people, they almost look they are about to explode as persons leaving the room.
It is extra awful if they are nice to the person's face.

The ones that I've known have been a combination of, making themselves feel superior, but at the same time are desperately insecure. Also it's the only way that they know to hold people's attention and have something to talk about.

When I've met other members of the family, they've all been negative. In the case of women, I've never heard them say anything positive or sympathetic towards or about other Women. So it can be learned behaviour.

Since my late twenties, I've always shut down gossip. I think it's pathetic except for the genuine sharing of news, bereavement, divorce etc, once you are approaching thirty.

Makes them feel superior. They haven't really grown out of the playground.

I tend to reply with a "that's a bit harsh, thought you liked X", and a jokey "wonder what you say about me/us when we aren't here", usually makes the culprit stop as they realise they've been rumbled and makes others listening in think she'll be taking about them too!

My NDN is like this. I’ve spoken about her before on here. She has always said that she “doesn’t do friends” but it’s more likely that friends don’t do her. She’s a horrible person.

If anything happens in the street she is hiding behind the curtains watching or makes an excuse to find out. She seems to revel in people’s misery and bitches about everyone she broke up a really tight friendship group by stirring shit.

Once she was drunk and vulnerable and it all came out that she feels inferior to people so tends to “bully” those who she is threatened by. It’s a sad way to live and everyone is aware now of her behaviour.

Her neighbour on the other side is actually moving because of her. She has been vile towards her and neighbour has had enough now.

I try to remember the old phrase “if you’ve got nothing good to say then don’t speak” which is hard when you’re living amongst people like this. I tell her nothing about me anymore and always call her out on her shitty behaviour.

I have a sister (A) like this. Totally slates our other sister and her husband but makes out I am her favourite.
Started to notice that A' s daughter and husband constantly blank me ,took me a long time to realise that she talks shit about me also.

The people I've known like this are always deeply insecure, vain, egotistical.

I like the idea of responding in a way that makes it clear you don't agree with what they're saying.

I need to adopt that take with this one because usually I just change the subject, but I think it's important she's made aware that people don't agree or want to hear it.

I knew another woman years ago who was the same, her daughter grew up to mimic her behaviour and turned out exactly the same.

I dread to think what she says about me, she knows more than I'd like her to.

I would say that is not very nice, it is hard in this situation.
I always ask my Dsis how is it any of her business, we are close I love her I have no problem calling her out, she is starting to realise it is her issue's.
I'd distance myself from her if possible.
Hopefully other posters will come along with more interesting replies.