To think my mum has an odd personality?

[SatansReject]

I used to think she was narcissistic as she turns everything about her. For example if someone in the family dies she goes on about how it affects her and how other family members are “leaving her out” etc etc. When my grandmas husband died she kicked off that her other sisters were “getting all the jobs” (helping my grandma) and she wasn’t getting a look in. When she was asked to help, she kicked off saying she was expected to do the crap jobs and couldn’t do what they were asking.

When my younger sister was being bullied in school and having a mental breakdown at the age of 12 ... and was then diagnosed with autism, my mums main concern was how it all affected HER. She once said that the biggest problem if her husband died was that she’d have to move house and would end up on a council estate.

But there’s other stuff too. She gets obsessed with people and goes on about them, goes out of her way to bump into them etc. She gets obsessed with certain shops and goes on and on about them and gets offended if you don’t want to shop there.

Then there’s the fact that she seems a bit “vacant” sometimes for want of a better word. At my wedding it was asked that the mother of the bride go collect her flowers ... she sat there smiling waiting for the mother of the bride to stand up!!! Family had to tell her that it was HER!

The other day we were discussing dog breeding and the subject of in breeding came up ... she didn’t know what that meant and I had to explain it to her ... she still didn’t understand until I said “it’s like mating a mother dog with her own son” ... a few seconds silence and then horror that that could happen.

I find it hard to connect with her and conversations are painful. AIBU to think she might actually have an undiagnosed problem?

There's a lot of similarities with my mum. I feel for your sister bullied at the age of 12 . I had no friends in school at the age of 14 and my mother commented how much it reflected on her

Your poor sister. That breaks my heart.

The "making every about her" part rings bells with me. DB and DSIL went through hell with infertility (thankfully with a happy ending but at one point it looked very bleak). DM honestly made the whole thing about how upsetting it was for her. I got sick of her comments about how she was "dreading" seeing DB again because it was "a downer" having to be around his grief over being told that he'd probably never be a dad.

Likewise, I was severely depressed and on antidepressants for years in my twenties. I fully appreciate that mental illness is shit for your friends and family, but my mother has never once acknowledged that it was bad for me too. It's always been "oh, that was one of the worst things that ever happened to Me" and "I'm a really great mother for supporting you when you were depressed" (actually, she only decided to support me after about ten years of "just pull yourself together", " you're not depressed, you're just trying to make yourself special", "you've got nothing to be depressed about, I'm the one who's got problems" etc etc).

Sounds a bit like my mum, in the run up to my wedding all she talked about, to anyone who would listen, was her outfit. Constantly asking if it suited her, if the colour was a good choice, what jewellery she should wear with it, how she should get her hair styled, how she’d bought 3 hats and didn’t know which one to wear.

It was relentless and really embarrassing when she’d start talking about it to shop assistants, and you could see them politely trying to end the conversation and she just wouldn’t take the hint.

I still feel angry about it now because she made my big day all about her.

I’ve often wondered if there’s something wrong with her but I’ve never brought it up because she’d never accept that there might be, as far as she’s concerned it’s everyone else that has got the problem and she’s the only normal one.

Goodness this sounds very much like my mother who I'm now NC with. Ruined my graduation and then years later my wedding making it all about her, then when I called her out about it she wrote me a letter going on about how dare I force her to attend the wedding without the friends she wanted there (she didn't pay a penny and she had three friends there that she invited ), how I made her wear an outfit she hated (she chose it, I paid for it) and how I ignored her on the day (errr I was a bit busy) so she got so drunk she had to be carried home by one of my work colleagues and I was mortifed. That's just one example. It's such a relief she's out of my life now.

My mum turned up late for my wedding as she wanted to have a look around the garden centre first 🙄 it was my MIL who was there helping me get ready, having a drink and a dance with me ... my mum turned up just before it was due to start like a normal guest. She then left early and complained that it was a long day for everyone. She slagged off my MIL saying she was “showing off” and giving her mucky looks all day and then asked me if I thought my husband was thinking about his ex wife during the ceremony. This was 4 years ago and I’ve not quite got over it to be honest.

I have a friend who can be similar. He ‘has’ ocd and ADD and suffers with depression but I’m not sure that these diagnoses are anything to do with the manifestation...I’m sure there are people with ADD who are empathic

My mother (frosty face ) hardly visits which I am now fine with but when she does she asks for the wifi code and plays on her phone and ignores everyone it's weird.It's nice knowing I'm not the only one who has a odd relationship with their parent.

Another one with a similar mother but she does have a bi polar diagnosis so I never really know which is her and which is the illness.

Have you considered that your sister and mother may have a lot in common?

That was my thought using

Thank god for your mother in law op.

Holy crap OP! Your latest post! HO LEE CRAP!

You are right, she is odd and horrible with it.

Do I think she’s autistic? Yes I do.

She sounds alot like my mother, the bullying bit is exactly what happened to me. My counsellor has tactfully suggested that it's likely she has a personality disorder. Her sibling has been diagnosed with NPD and my grandfather seems to have behaved in quite extreme ways.

She insisted I collect her straight from my counselling sessions each and every week and we go out to a cafe. Often it was quite clear that I'd been crying and distressed. Instantly upon seeing me she'd go into hysterics and talk about how painful this all was about her and "did you talk about me?" "Did you tell her everything I've done for you and all the pain I've been through," "did you tell her about x happening to me and how its affected me?" "What does she think about me?"

The amount of times I had to say "no mother. My counselling is about and for ME not you" was insane.

My mother is like this and I am forever trying to analyze her trying to work out why she is the way she is.
Yes, she turns everything around to be about her and has a need to dominate every conversation whether she is just with me or in a group of people. As she has got old I watch her sitting there and getting infuriated if anyone tries to change the conversation and she very rudely interupts changing it back to talking about herself and what she wants to talk about.
You basically cannot hold a conversation with her, it is a monologue. We have to just sit there and let her hold forth and it drives me insane.
If anything has happened to someone, she will acknowledge it then hurl headlong in to an endless story about how her experiences of it.
Similar to other posters she is overly concerned how she looks. As soon as we get through the door it is ' do you like my skirt or top? '
If we are looking at family photos, it is always about how she looks.
We were going to my sisters 50th party the other day and it was 80's themed. My other sister and I had got changed, pink wigs and all that. My mum came downstairs fussing over whether she should wear a certain clip in her her, although she was not dressing up. She never batted and eyelid or noticed how different we looked until I pointed it out to her.

So much of this was like MIL. She was constantly annoyed we wouldn’t take the same holidays, eat the same meals (we lived hundreds of miles away but she would ring up and tell us what she was having, then expect us to have the same), watch the same programmes. And be offended if we didn’t.
When people were dying (happened a few times) she was offended that no one asked her about her (imaginary) colds.
When FIL died she didn’t think it would effect anyone else but her, including her 3 children.

The thing is now we are living through it all over again through BIL. He’s exactly the same (although was critical of MIL for being like that).
Didn’t understand that his mother’s death would effect anyone but him. Asked DH why he was even upset, because only he should be upset.
He also gets obsessed by things and is annoyed you aren’t the same. It’s exhausted. Organises things when he knows we can’t attend on purpose so he can make a big fuss about us not going.
Luckily he doesn’t seem to be the same with his own children. However we are sure he suffers from depression or something. Both him and MIL were generally unhappy people. I wonder if it’s something inherited with them.

My sister is like this. I am 99% NC with her but see her at family funerals. She makes everything about her. She has a shrill loud voice and I have lost count of the occasions everyone is seated apart from her and she is standing holding court, making everything about her and telling everyone about her life. 9/10 the funeral is of someone she hasn't seen for decades because she does nothing if it doesn't benefit her directly. When my DDad developed dementia and I took over his care, she didn't go near him for six years until he was dying and she only went then because my SIL told her to. she could no longer borrow stuff and money from him and he was no longer of use. Our maternal grandmother was exactly like this. DMum wasn't. Sisters daughter is a mini-me and my sister complains about her personality but everyone else int he family can see the irony.

Being around these people is soul destroying

I really relate to the thing about her getting obsessed with people. Have only known my mum who is like this. I’ve worked out that she puts people on a pedestal, could be a male colleague at her work (30 years her junior) or new neighbour. Then every time she phones me she talks about the person (who I often don’t know). She will send texts saying I should check out a certain band because colleague-on-a-pedestal likes them. This colleague gave her some information that was incorrect and I told her the right info, sent a link etc. She refused point blank to look at my link because she wouldn’t accept her colleague could get something wrong.

In the end they always fall off the pedestal and she never speaks of them again! And goes onto someone else.