Separated, body image and sex.

[thechocolatefireguard]

I was with my husband for nearly 20 years. I have three children and am in my mid forties. I am out of shape and a decent stone and a half over weight. My body confidence and indeed my self esteem is low having been unhappy and lonely in my marriage for years. He has left me for another woman I believe and I'm trying not to focus on the negatives. However, I look at my body now, and see how it is and wonder if any man will go near me ever again.
I do look after my hair and face and think I'm well
Groomed enough and average looking but I feel very scared about a man seeing my body . Is this feeling ridiculous and do any of you have any experience ( male posters very welcome here too!) of this situation. How can I boost myself. Thanks

Has anybody gone through this ?

Have you seen some of us men! Be confident and enjoy yourself

Yes, I understand. I've been separated for several years now, after an 18-year relationship, and while I'm not actively looking for a serious relationship, I wouldn't mind trying out some dating or a fling, in theory. But I just can't imagine getting to the point of being in bed with someone - I feel awkward and embarrassed thinking about it. Like you I'm a bit overweight, think I look OK and so on but the confidence is not there. I know plenty of people like me are attractive and dating etc. and I know many men would be fine with my body (I have an ex for example who loves a bit of chub and most of his GFs have been more overweight than me) - but I can't bring myself to go there. (Though it's also because I'm quite cynical about men and hear so many OLD horror stories as well.)

I don't know what the answer is or how to get that confidence back quickly, but my approach is just to take it easy, focus on myself and looking after myself, and wait and see if it comes back.

Funny, I'm only judging myself here! I wouldn't judge anyone else's body !

I thinking basing your self worth or self esteem purely on how attractive you are to men is completely misjudged.

You deserve to feel good for you.

Thanks

I'm finding it hard to get my head round my husband taking off with another woman and while I know he has the issue , I can't but help feel that I wasn't attractive enough for him to stay. I am generally confident to the outside world .Inside I'm self critical.

You’ve had a huge knock, my lovely, but you will come back from this and some lucky man will be in your life - if and when you want that to happen. For now: what makes you feel good? Everything and anything from a manicure to a nice cup of tea. Be as kind to yourself as possible

Thank you

I was in a similar situation but the gym & slimmimg world gave me a bit of confidence. Also I won't sleep with anyone unless I am sure of them. Most guys all have ex's usually similar ages who also may of have kids etc so they know we are not meant to look perfect & what a normal woman's body is like.

I know how you feel. I am in a similar situation but 4 stone heavier than when I met my STBXH 20 years ago. I don’t feel I can try dating until I loose some weight but I am struggling to do so. Working full time, looking after DS, health problems and feeling angry, lonely and fed up don’t help my mood. It is easy to reach for the wine and crisps of an evening. I would be interested to hear from people who have come out the other side.

I came out of a ten year relationship 3 stone overweight and with my confidence in the gutter. I couldn't face the thought of even dating again let alone sleeping with someone. It took me well over a year, and some serious time focusing on just me, before I managed to build myself back up. Yes I lost some weight in that time, but tbh that wasnt as important as figuring out who I was now, and learning to value that person again. I strongly believe that having taken that time was the reason why when I met my now dh, I could see him for who he was, and really appreciate him as a good man, rather than settling for another loser in my life (something I've done after previous breakups). Theres nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself, give yourself the chance to recover and rebuild. Work out what's important for you and then go for it. You'll most likely find that somewhere along the way you find you are ready, but there really is no rush.

When I met my DP (as acquaintances), I’d just came out of a 20 years marriage. I was beyond shattered, I was loosing hair by the clump due to stress, I was a stone And a half overweight (meaning nothing I owned fit me), and, did I mention, I was really really tired. Of life, of work, of everything. The black bags under my eyes were epic, I had split nails, a grey complexion and I’d gone grey around my temples as well.
Took me a year to recover.
Poor bloke, he still marvels at how much younger I look now 😂.
Give yourself time, love and care. You’ll be fine.

After a massive blow to your confidence you'll take time to recover OP. 6 years on from a ghastly emotionally abusive relationship which ended in DV I've finally started to recover my confidence and after a lifetime of worrying constantly and i mean hourly, daily since i was at least 5 year old, about my appearance and weight i have genuinely cast aside all that. I'm a size 12, could/should be thinner but walk every day for 1.5 hours minimum, am finally free and happy from beating myself up. I hope you get here too OP, it's wonderful, but tkme and kindness to yourself are all i can advise; giving birth to DD 6 years ago also began a massive attitude change for me towards my body, confidence and purpose in life

Thanks for the encouragement. Time
To put myself first and heal I guess

I find it VERY encouraging to look around at women who are in great relationships with lovely men. They are not, in fact, all stick thin or model-worthy. Some of them will be a lot more overweight than you, OP, some will be less groomed (whatever that means) and some will be less beautiful. Because, you know, being attractive to someone isn't about having one particular kind of appearance.

I was on a night out with friends recently when one woman (married, two DC) said that she reckons if she and her DH ever split she'd stay single forever as the thought of getting naked in front of another man fills her with horror. There was lots of agreement around the table, all the women who are married/in LTR saying that they would find that really difficult too, lots of "oh yes, I couldn't bare for anyone other than DH to see my C-section scar/cellulite/stretch marks etc". But the one man who was there looked completely baffled and said "you're all crazy, don't you realise men don't care! We're just so happy to see a naked woman, we don't even notice any of that stuff!"

One thing I have been trying to do is just be kinder to myself. I am eating better and cutting down on alcohol although it is tough. I enjoy cooking so preparing healthy food for me and DS is my happy place. I have also started to be more mindful. I use 5 minute meditations to reset my mind when thoughts creep in and to help with getting to sleep. I have only been doing this quite recently but I think it’s helping.

While the thoughts of getting naked at 4+ stone overweight with someone new is mortifying, meeting someone isn’t really a priority for me. I am trying to work on loosing weight and feeling better about myself and being a good mum. Maybe in time, love will follow. Good luck OP.

Seriously, the best way to improve your body confidence and learning to love yourself is to get naked. Go to a spa where they don’t allow swimwear (but do ban cameras and canoodling). I swear if you can get through the door, you’ll very quickly lose your inhibitions and realise how different we all are and yet how we’re all perfectly normal. Go to one in Germany or Belgium for a long weekend with a friend or two, or maybe a sister, and I guarantee you’ll come back with a new found love for yourself.

Firstly you say you are overweight. Perfect weight is determined by various factors and women have a tendency to judge themselves to these. BMI , clothes sizes etc....the media has a lot to answer for.

There are over 20 million adult men in the UK. There will be a couple of million in the age range you would consider. There will thousands within 20 miles and hundreds that are available. Not all men judge a woman by how she looks and what her body looks like. The media and peers have made women think this way but it’s bullshit. The sexiest woman I ever dated never mentioned thinking she was overweight yet she was a size 16/18 which many women would say is overweight. She never mentioned that she had a scar from an operation, she never mentioned or thought that she was not good enough for a man. She had one thing that was sexy as hell and that was confidence. She was so attractive to me because she was confident, she dressed well and looked great. She knew her own worth.

The vast majority of men in their 40’s don’t expect their date to have the body of a model. Most have already been married, most know the score! Most are similar with their own insecurities. Can you imagine the fear a man has for the first time with a new partner? Will it work! Will it stay up! Will the extra pounds and less than toned chest put her off etc etc.

Try and find some confidence first. Be proud of who you are and what your qualities are and shout these out loud whether on dating sites or in life because that is what make you the person you are, not how firm your stomach is or how big and pert your boobs are.

My ex left me for ow (who is fatter than me). Several years on i happily swing from the chandeliers with new DP. We are both a couple of stone (at least) overweight, but we are not selfish, cheating, arsehole, lying bastards like our exes who fucked off and left their kids as well as their spouses. So funnily enough, we find each other deeply attractive and sexy. We met online.. Despite the horror stories, i really enjoyed the experience.. Had lots of dates, some I followed up, some they did, or didnt. Please dont think that age or weight has the slightest relationship to 'sexy' or attractive.