AIBU about my dad, again.

[Rubbercoffee]

Just had an explosive arguement with my dad.

But of background, he's a narcissistic idiot with too high expectations of me - particularly my ability to answer my phone. It's been an ongoing argument for a while now, but since I've been in therapy for mental health issues I've been trying to react more calmly, be a bit more accepting of his behaviour because I can't change it, and try not to let his outbursts get to me

However this morning I called him and he was already on hold on his other phone and he asked to call me back, I said I might not be able to answer as I'll be getting DD2 to sleep, I hang on the phone while he left the voicemail on his other call. when you come back to my phone call he started overreacting saying "Jesus thank Christ you're still there , I had to hang up the phone to the other person because I know what you're like and can never get hold of you"

I picked him up immediately on his lie and said you didn't hang up the phone you left a voicemail that was the end of the phone call

he said he wanted me to come round to his so I can fix something on his phone, I said no u will have to come to me as getting DD2 to sleep

When he arrived I started a conversation with him about the lie he told on the phone. He started going into one about me you never answering my phone. I said I have got a lot on my plate you need to lower your expectations , then lower them again, then you won't be disappointed. I did go into one about him moaning all the time and that he's the only one with these high expectations. I'm working I've got two kids I've got mental health problems. he said did you have mental health problems when you had your first child because this is when it started, I said yes I did have mental health problems. He said I don't believe you.

This immediately got my back up as you can imagine

I asked him to leave ... He called me a cunt and said I've come all the way down here "Becuase of your fucking baby"

That last sentence. I'm thinking of cutting him out. AIBU

Cut him out at least for a few weeks , nobody should speak to you like that

Disgusting language. I’d expect a HUGE apology

I think you’re mixing up:

• accepting that you can’t change his behaviour
• accepting his behaviour

I would only do the first - and cut contact with him.

Cut him out at least for a few weeks , nobody should speak to you like that

He called you a cunt? There's not really any coming back from that.

I know he’s your Dad but he’s foul mouthed and a liar . You sound to be over any MH issues and sensible but how about him ?

There is nothing to think about. His conduct and language are below tolerable standards. You deserve better as do your DC

I'm still dealing with my current postnatal MH issues. I'm on ADs and I'm in therapy.

I've been honest about it this time round, whereas when I had DD1 I hid it a lot. But he said I don't believe you.

He goes insane if I don't answer the phone first time. If I enter battle with him about it I get nowhere. Literally nowhere. He is so unreasonable.

I’d be questioning why I would want someone like that in my life. How do I feel when I think about talking/seeing them.

I, personally, don’t go along with the because they’re ’family’ chant. That doesn’t mean anything if you can’t be a decent person.

I choose who I spend time with and when. Obviously, there are some obligations along the way but not disrespectful or intolerant family.

@Rubbercoffee it doesn't matter if he believes you, it doesn't matter what his opinion of you is. He has absolutely no right to talk to you like that. I'm so sorry your going through this, I recently cut my father off because of his behaviour and I'm now working on my own mh issues. I could never have done that if my father was still in my life. You deserve so much more, learn to love and respect yourself and then decide who deserves your time and attention

Love this...
I, personally, don’t go along with the because they’re ’family’ chant. That doesn’t mean anything if you can’t be a decent person.
Nobody has the right to be in your life but you have the absolute right to decide who you allow in your life.

Was your father controlling before you had children? Getting cross if you don’t answer his phone call the first time! He seems rather jealous of your kids getting your attention.

Stepping back what I see is two people right fighting. You both have expectations of the other person and for whatever reason, neither is willing and / or able to act how the other wishes.

Of course his expectations on you are wrong. And you otoh just want him to be a normal father, but he isn’t. And what he said was absolutely horrible. However, you’re not going to stop him behaving to yourself like he did with the phone and comments by having a go at him about his behaviour on arrival. You do this by having boundaries and because he’s a narcissist, you need to deal with the behaviour at the time. By the time he came round it was already too late.

One of these boundaries right now, I think, should be a period of no contact until he can treat you better. That means not entering into a discussion. Think about what you want, an apology maybe? Apologies take time. I finally got one from my highly narcissistic mother. It was a “sorry if” btw but a start. Your arguments sound like mine used to be with her. I have had a lot of therapy.

You talk about being a bit more accepting of his behaviour. Perhaps this is not what you actually mean. But I am not accepting of my mother’s behaviour. I accept she is how she is and have slowly detached so that to a great extent I do not bite back. It certainly doesn’t mean I accept her behaviour. It means I manage her. I tell her “enough”, I put the phone down, I don’t dance to her tune, I walk away, I have even started shushing her 😂 and I certainly no longer sit on the other end of the phone or opposite her being abused.