Please help.. is he just stringing me along

[Smile23]

I met a guy via OLD 3 months ago, I really like him /smitten and not someone that usually falls for someone easily so felt quite lucky to have met him just when I started to loose hope. I’m 33, no children no prev married but really want to start a family/settle down and get so anxious that time is ticking and maybe I’ll never have that.
I’m also someone that can easily be fooled/taken advantage of going by past friendships/relationships and I’m starting to get paranoid about this guy.
So initially when we met we’d go on cute dates- dinners/drinks/walks/boat trips just the usual. He lives quite near me and recently over the past month he’s not been available to go out. He just wants to meet up in my flat after work or late evenings to watch TV, order food and stay over. He says it’s due to work. He works in banking and says sometimes it involves late nights and weekends. Yet on Fridays he always meets his boys for drinks. Last Saturday we watched the fireworks And went for dinner after ages of just staying indoors but that was more me asking to go out. We comes over to mine around2-3 times a week. We haven’t really had a date night or gone out in ages. I’m starting to worry I’m just being used and wasting my time. We haven’t had sex yet and I’ve told him that’s off limits until I feel we’re in a serious relationship ( that’s just my preference though it might be strange for others) and he’s been okay with that. When he stays over he we usually just kiss and cuddle so guess he’s not getting anything sexual though he’s always horny and trying to grope me. I’m starting to feel his late night meetings with me at my flat is the sign that he’s just viewing me as a casual thing. Surely 3 months in you should still be making an effort to do things together/go out.
I have told him I’m looking for something serious.
He hasn’t introduced me to family or friends either even though he is close to them.
I’m starting to worry that I’m wasting my time and will get hurt.
He’s kind, and not stingy quite caring and love to be around him.
He was engaged for 6 months 3 years ago so that suggested he was the settling down type.

I just don’t know , am I reading into things, am I being taken for a ride as before, I’m so anxious I’ll either mess up a good thing that is so hard to find or I’m wasting my time.

I don't want to put doubts into your head but given that you haven't had sex with him, is it possible that's why he hasn't been as available, as in perhaps he's seeing someone else?

To be honest I wouldn't be sat getting anxious over it, just ask him straight out; "Are you seeing someone else? If not, I would like to start having proper dates again instead of always sitting in mine."

I think he could be seeing someone else, but I also think that's fair enough. You've only been dating for three months, you've told him you won't have sex with him until it's serious, and you haven't had sex with him, so maybe he thinks it's not serious on your part. Have you discussed exclusivity?

I agree with PP. It seems he might be seeing someone else as well and keeping you as an option. Sorry OP.

I think you could save yourself a lot of pain in the long haul by cutting him of and finding someone else. You will thank yourself later. When your gut feeling says something is wrong, trust it, it usually means there IS something wrong.

Good luck

You are not a good match. Sorry.

From what you've told us in your OP, I wouldn't assume he's seeing anyone else, but unless you ask, you won't know.

You seem very clear about exactly what you're looking for in a relationship, so why not talk to him about what's going on in yours, so that you know exactly where you stand and if it's not where you want to be, you can move on.

I'm relatively optimistic and think that as long as you approach talking about the relationship with him in a positive way ("I'm really enjoying spending time with you and we have a great time together...") then asking where you stand shouldn't feel like you're pressuring him, simply that you feel that exclusivity is the next stage in the relationship.

In terms of spending so much time at your place, I would set up a trip out once a week; (on an evening when he has confirmed he'll be spending time with you) dinner, the cinema etc. and either make a reservation or buy tickets, then you can present it to him as "You mentioned you wanted to see this film/try this restaurant, so I've made us reservations for this evening!" I imagine spending the other couple of evenings you're together at home won't feel such a "waste" in this case.

You mention he hasn't introduced you to his friends or family - has he met any of yours? If not, you could arrange an evening in the pub (or dinner at yours etc.), invite a couple of your mates and ask him to invite some of his. I wouldn't stress over not having met his family at this stage though, that will come in time.

It seems you just need to sit down and have an open and honest chat with him, it doesn't need to be too heavy and if it turns out he doesn't see things going the same way you do, then you have the option to bow out now, before you get too invested. Fingers crossed though, he'll feel the same way you do, will be pleased to be exclusive and will agree that you don't want to get too 'settled' too young and he's up for getting out and about and doing things together.

Good luck, let us know how things go!

you've told him you won't have sex with him until it's serious, and you haven't had sex with him, so maybe he thinks it's not serious on your part

It's only been three months! The vast, vast majority of healthy relationships aren't serious after only three months!

You don't have to have sex with someone to demonstrate you're serious about them. What a reprehensible thing to suggest.

It's perfectly reasonable to not want to jump into bed with someone after only three months but still expect to be treated decently. Bloody hell.

You don't have to have sex with someone to demonstrate you're serious about them. What a reprehensible thing to suggest.

I didn't suggest it, the OP did! 🙄

My point was, she told him she won't have sex with him until she's serious. She set that bar. She hasn't had sex with him, ergo, he may not think she's serious, and this he may not consider their relationship exclusive.

How long does it take to get serious? A year? Two?

Are you religious? It's unusual for two adults in their thirties to have nothing sexual going on after three months of seeing each other regularly and physically sleeping together, and likely not for the foreseeable future. You need to do you and you should never feel you should have sex with someone, but maybe he's not on the same page here and that's also fair enough.

I'd also think you're not compatible as it sounds like it's moved to the friendship zone.

Thank you all for your feedback.
I’m getting quite worried this is yet another guy that things will not work out with. And I had been so hopeful that something good was finally happening.
In answer to some of your question:
I’m not super religious but I guess in our culture ( he’s the same) it’s not too strange not sleeping together at this point. I think he’d like to have sex but is happy to wait.
We have done fireworks/cinema in the last 2 weeks but haven’t gone out on like a date night for around a month and he says this is due to working late at the moment and having to work on the weekends ( he works in banking) but your right I could just be an option and he’s starting to see someone else.
Yesterday he messaged asking if I’m free for him to come over ( last time we met was Monday and the Sunday evening and sat for fireworks) and I made an excuse and asked let’s do something over the weekend or Friday night. He said he’s meeting his guy pals for drinks Friday and working Saturday but how about Sunday evening? So same thing again
I’ll prob need to speak to him as you all say.
Thanks

I would not be happy with being a Sunday evening option, 3 months into a relationship. I'd want to be Friday or Saturday night girl.

Are you sure he's not married?

Personally I am going to go against the grain. 3 months in and he’s not getting sex out of it (which is of course your choice) and he’s coming round 2-3 times a week. He must at least like you quite a bit.

I would just have a chat with him. A date a week and maybe one more evening in?

Nothing here makes me think he's seeing anyone else. To be honest it just sounds like he's very busy and enjoys quality one on one time with you instead of being out all the time. But I could be projecting, since I prefer cosy nights in myself.

Anyway you need to talk to him and be honest about what you want/need from a relationship to see if you're on the same page.

I don't think there's anybody else either.
If he's working on Saturday I'd believe him when he says he's busy.

Why don't you just suggest doing something Sunday daytime then a takeaway and chill on the evening?

I don’t think this is a lost cause OP. You aren’t having sex with him yet he still wants to just come and hang out with you at home and stay over. If you were sleeping together and he was literally turning up for sex and no dates then I’d say bin him.

Do you 100% want this to become something serious? If so, you need to have the chat about where you would like to see this relationship go and see if he is on the same page. Starts meeting each other’s friends and family and socialising together. And if it’s important to you, do more things outside of the house together.

But seeing as you haven’t decided already whether he is long-term material, are you hanging in there because you are 33 and want to settle down and have kids or do you really like him?

Thanks everyone, I think your all right I need to actually have a conversation with him instead of guessing. I will keep you all posted re the outcome of your interested but appreciate all the input.
Basinhaircut- I do really like him and am always excited to see him so I don’t feel I’m settling as I’m 33, although my age makes me so worried sometimes. He’s 35.

I just hope this time things work out as in the past when I’ve liked a guy ( which is not that often) and ready to go further things don’t work out.

Maybe you just like different things? You want to have dates as in meals out, cinema etc, he likes to stay in and cosy up.

Neither is wrong but I’d be with you that it’s not very interesting and does seem to lack effort on his part. Why don’t you simply say that at least once a week (or whatever your least is) you’d like to go out together. Take turns to choose etc. That’s a better way of properly getting to know each other than sitting watching tv.

Ok OP my follow up question of you do really like him then, is what’s holding you back on declaring it serious then? I don’t really know how you define/decide that, usually I’d say it’s something that just happens over time, but it’s obvious that your biological clock or desire to settle down is making you over-analyse or want to rush it?

That’s not meant as a criticism though so hopefully you won’t take that as one.

Good luck with your chat and I hope he is on the same page as you.

After 3 months and no sex he will he rapidly losing interest. At 33 he will just consider it ridiculous.

I don’t mean that to sound unkind, just trying to tell you something that is useful to you.

Thanks again
Basinhaircut, nothing is holding me back, would love for it to become serious but he’s not said anything about being exclusive moving forward ect so guess I’m not sure where I stand. But your right I’m sure the anxiety of my age is making me worried. Defo not settling.
I’ve asked him if he’s looking for something serious, he said yes but didn’t elaborate or initiate anything about exclusivity.
Yes will speak with him and keep u all updated.

Tbh i couldn't have a relationship become serious if there wasn't sex. Nothing worse than really liking someone then finding out the sex is dire/ you're not compatible.

Why not tell him you're free to go out but not to spend an evening in as you've been in every night this week already?

He sounds as if he's taking you and your place for granted, and if he already thinks his presence is such a favour, he might not be 'the one'. Let him wonder who might be taking you out if he's not bothering.

When you have 'the talk', you could explain that he doesn't seem very excited about seeing you or committed to progressing the relationship, so do you need to resume your search?

That should elicit a clear response!

Why does he always come to your house? Have you ever been to his?

I dunno, only 3 months in, and he's at the pipe and slippers stage already. Sounds pretty boring, it should still be exciting this early on.

When you do have the chat, you also need to find out what his views are, re finances, having children, division of chores if you're living together, etc. No good skipping happily on because he said he wants to be exclusive, only to find out once you've been together for a couple of years, that he doesn't want kids, or he never does his share of the housework.

I think I'd be wary OP.