Boob size, am I being a daft cow?

[Nomorewine77]

Relatively new poster, please be kind. So myself and DH ( been together 20 years, 3 kids ) have had a bit of a rough year, drifted apart, separated and then got back together, I feel I've lost my way a bit at the grand old age of 42. Anyway,I have serious body confidence issues and today, I said to DH off the cuff that I hate my boobs, small, saggy and I feel unattractive. To which he said nothing, I then repeated what I'd said and again nothing. Went to the bathroom and came back and said 'Did you hear what I said?' To which he replied 'Yes' I then said 'and?' He then said 'They're alright' bit gutted tbh and feel like shit now as I feel as though he was basically agreeing with me and they are unattractive. Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? I realise there are far worse things to be worrying about in this world but its really knocked my already low self confidence.

Yes, ‘all right’ means very good. DH would say that about his best ever meal, or best service he’d get just because he’s not a ‘this is awsome!’ kind of guy.

I mean this really gently op, but you might do better asking more directly for reassurance. I know it’s hard, but people ( men?) don’t always see what’s being obliquely asked for, or fear saying the wrong thing. But if you can find it in yourself to say “ I’m feeling a bit unlovable, can I have some reassurance.” He can see what response is required.

I think you can be kind & loving without lying.

If he loved you and cared about your feelings he could have said ‘I love them’ or ‘They’re perfect to me’.

What would you say to him if he was unhappy about the size of his penis? (And it was a bit small)?!

Don't ask a question if you are not ready to hear the answer!

Thank you all for your replies, I don't disagree with any of them. Yes I probably was fishing, hoping for some some reassurance that he does find me attractive, desirable etc. I recognise too that it goes much deeper than that.

I guess it could have been worse. A friend of mine was complaining to her DP about her saggy bits - again, fishing for compliments. His response? “Well on the plus side, there’s nowt wrong with your eyesight.”

OP, of course it stung. Sorry for that. I bet they are lovely.

How about instead of feeling a bit yuk you decide on focusing on helping yourself.

"Project you"
Make a list of what you'd like to change.
Shift some kilos
Sort your hair cut etc.
Improve your skin.
Wear a bit of make-up.
Update your wardrobe.

Focus on how you can do these things for yourself.
The truth is most women feel better about themselves when we look well.

It's not about looking like a 25 year old, it's about looking the best you can, for the age you are at.

Feeling good about yourself and taking the time to mind yourself is also a great example to your children.

Wishing you the very best💐

The thing is, to give some context there has been lies and deceit, I am trying my best to forgive and I know it's not about bòob size, I was hoping for some kindness in the wake of it all. It doesn't matter does it? The size, the shape etc. I would give that kindness, pay it forward if it was needed. Feel like a cliche, midlife crisis job, questioning my worth and rationally I know I should be better than that. Thank you @billy1966 I've done all that, still feel like shit.

Who lied and deceived? Was it you?

If you feel unattractive op. And dislike your breasts, that's something you need to address in your own head. Make whatever changes are required to enable that. It's not healthy for that validation to need to come externally. Unless of course you're saying you think you're attractive and you've got great boobs, but are unattractive to him?

If that's the case then you need to seperate out your relationship issues and address them.

This wasn't the way to do it. And i do wonder if you often seek validation in this random manner by the fact he tried to avoid it. If I said to my husband I didn't like my breasts suddenly he'd be giving me that look..... If I did something like that regularly I'm fairly sure he'd get to the stage of trying to ignore it.

But bottom line is if you've relarionship issues address them, it's not about what you look like. And if you've self esteem issues about your appearance , then that's something you also need to address but is very different.

My sister does this. (Some say fishing for compliments, some say seeking reassurance) I have found that no answer is correct, maybe your DH feels the same.

If 'trying to forgive' is causing you so much anxiety and self-doubt, is it worth it?

There's probably nothing wrong with your boobs. I'm willing to bet that if your DH hadn't done the thing that requires your forgiveness (did he cheat?), you would't be standing in front of the mirror criticising yourself.

It helped me to start thinking of my body as my home, not someone else’s playground. And maintaining it and furnishing it accordingly.

He lied with regards to drug use, a big no for me.

He was in a no win situation here. If he says they're great, you might not believe him, given history of lying and the fact that you don't agree with them being great. If he says he agrees they are small/saggy, he hurts your feelings. Safer to say nothing.

But none of this has anything to do with the much bigger underlying problems.

Made me reevaluate everything I thought I knew about my marriage and DH. I admit to feeling a bit lost in it all, somehow questioning myself and my worth too it seems. I have never been the most confident of people at the best of times, so I can see what you're all saying.

Made me reevaluate everything I thought I knew about my marriage and DH

If a short, noncommittal response has led you to such drama, then can you blame him for not saying much?!
He couldn't win. If he lied and said your boobs are fantastic, you'd have accused him of lying. If he'd said "yes, they're saggy, get a boob job", you'd have (understandably) been upset. So he says very little, but still you're re-evaluating your whole relationship?! Sheesh.

I have a similar thing in that my boobs are very sad, small and saggy after bf and weight loss. DH is honest about it, which I appreciate!

@Runningonempty84 I meant that him lying about his drug use is whats caused me to reevaluate our relationship and him. Not my boobs ( or lack of them ) I get that this is not about them really at all, I think I was seeking some reassurance in the wake of what has been a bit of a crappy year between us.

Ah, ok. That makes more sense.