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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be so upset

14 replies

user1498596172 · 07/11/2019 20:26

7 years ago my partner had, what I can only describe, as an emotional affair. She lived across the road from us and they worked together, and I slowly watched their friendship bloom into something else. As time went on I told him I was uncomfortable, and he truly started favouring her over me. I just knew there were feelings there, but the more I protested the more he moved away from me. Now it's a long story but it all ended very badly, with both of them losing their jobs and she moved away. Me and partner split for a while but weve worked really hard on our relationship, hes never given me a reason to worry since, and while some people may not be able to forgive and forget we managed to get through it.

Shes moved back to the area. Not just to the area, but almost my neighbour. All the horrible feelings of that time have come flooding back and it's only been one day but shes already playing mind games with me by sending her boyfriend to my door to ask to borrow tools! At the time she had no grasp on the damage she did, and it seems she either still doesnt or knew all along (I mean, who leaves love notes on another man's desk at work 'just as a friend'?) And is making her presence known?

Now I know my partner takes a huge portion of blame, I'm not one to just blame the other woman. But we worked so hard. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.

OP posts:
Krazynights34 · 07/11/2019 20:28

What an utter cunt! I’m not sure what I can say that would be useful advice but I’m sad to hear this. What does your partner say?

TheTrollFairy · 07/11/2019 20:30

What has your husband said about her moving back? Did he admit to the emotional affair or just brush it off?
Do you know if her boyfriend knew about the EA at all?
It’s a bit of a kick in the teeth but you know the warning signs from last time. I guess they won’t be working together seeing as they lost their jobs from the last place.

I would be furious if I were you. Yes the husband takes half the blame but you only resolved things with him. She also did this behind your back and things have never been resolved with her

user1498596172 · 07/11/2019 20:33

He's saying all the right things. That we can move, that I have every right to be upset over it. Thankfully we were planning to move soon anyway (opposite sex children sharing a room) guess this just speeds up our search! Hes giving me my space because although I've forgiven I can't say hand on heart, that I've forgotten. It still plays on my mind because I was never 100% sure nothing physical ever happened between them, even though my partner has been open about any questions I've had over the years and has always denied it. What was so maddening about it is I am not a possessive, jealous person at all and I did not recognise myself at the time. I have no worries about anything happening between the two of them again, truly. I just don't want to feel anxious in my own home about seeing her or inadvertently taking my feelings out on my partner :(

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 07/11/2019 20:34

This sounds horrible o.p, what an awful situation and pretty shit of her to move right next to you again.
Just dont engage with her, shut down any attempts to get to you and expect your dh to be the exact same.
If he starts a friendship with her or starts to act the way he did before I'd be kicking him out, no more chances.
Did they both lose their jobs due to this affair or something else?

EssentialHummus · 07/11/2019 20:35

At the time she had no grasp on the damage she did, and it seems she either still doesnt or knew all along (I mean, who leaves love notes on another man's desk at work 'just as a friend'?) And is making her presence known?

This is the key really - did she know what she was doing? (Sounds like she does.) I'd be keeping my distance from her and also have a frank chat with your DH about expectations and distance.

churchandstate · 07/11/2019 20:35

If you are absolutely confident in your relationship as it is now, I would move house. Draw a line under it. You don’t want to live near her.

TheTrollFairy · 07/11/2019 20:36

I hope you didn’t lend any tools!

I would move, you were planning to anyway. Life is too short to be stressing over it all.

littlehappyhippo · 07/11/2019 20:37

Why the F did she move so close?

What a horrible cow.

I would move, and FFS don't let anyone nearby (who might speak to her,) know where you're going!

user1498596172 · 07/11/2019 20:40

EssentialHummus she knew. Again it's a long story (which I am happy to go into details about, I'm not withholding it for no reason it just is really long in order to understand) but she knew. And they lost their jobs because they had a huge spat at work after things went sour, flipped tables and walked out and they both got fired for it.

OP posts:
EssentialHummus · 07/11/2019 20:42

Yeah - I'd expedite the house move. It's hugely provocative for her to move so close (presumably her BF has no idea about all this).

user1498596172 · 07/11/2019 20:46

EssentialHummus if she hasn't told him that's a shitty thing to do too, because she knew I still lived here. She lost a job and moved away, it's not a small part of someones life is it?

OP posts:
GameSetMatch · 07/11/2019 21:05

I hope you’re not lending her the tools, put a stop to her or her family coming to your door, people like that worm their way back in to your life. Ignore all contact hopefully your dh does the same, put your home on the market don’t tell her where you are moving too and move on with your life. Goodluck

EKGEMS · 07/11/2019 21:05

The easiest solution is to move but leave his unfaithful ass in the old neighborhood his ex girlfriend can console him

JasonPollack · 07/11/2019 21:51

What happened when he came for the tools? Presumably you said no?

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