To ask what makes a good dad?

[Sawdustandrainbows]

Because I’m really not sure about my DH parenting skills but don’t know if I’m being unfair?

We have a 15 month old DD. I’m currently a SAHM whilst DH works full time, so naturally I take on most of the childcare.

However I just feel like it’s all a bit too much on me IYSWIM? For example he’s never woken up before me with her ever (we co sleep) This morning I was up with her and breakfast was made before he even came downstairs before going to work. He hadn’t seen her for two days either because he’s been away. He’s never taken her anywhere on his own yet. He does play with her, but won’t read to her etc. I’ve also been accused of having no time left for him anymore because all I think about it DD!

What do/did your own partners do with your children when they were small? I feel like I need some point of comparison.

When we were both home he did diaper nappy changes, bottle feedings, bathing, etc. as well as playing and reading.

Some men are a bit shy with babies because they don't know what to do. Can you ask for more help and coach him a but?

One that's a partner. Does 50% of the parenting when we're both at home.

Has he seriously never looked after her on his own in 15 months?! When do you get time for you?

I’ve asked him to get out of bed on a morning etc. but he still doesn’t half the time.
I suppose I’d just like him to take the reins a bit more sometimes. Instead of it always being me or a joint effort. He does love her, he just doesn’t seem to dote on her like I thought he would.

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff He’s looked after her at home. He’s just never taken her out alone apart from round the streets in her pushchair.

Ah ok, that's not quite as bad as I thought! Sorry I think I misread.

Could you suggest a weekend activity for them? A swimming class or something? Forces them out of the house but with minimal thinking iyswim?

I was born in the 1960’s in an era when child rearing was seen as mostly women’s work but my dad was amazing . He worked very long hours at a physical job , always read us a bedtime story , did hair washing (he even permed my hair when I was older !) took us shopping for school shoes, helped with homework, cooked dinners at the weekend , taught me how to make bread pudding, took us up the woods to make camps .

He and my mum did everything 50/50 , he showed us what a real man should be , loving, helpful and respectful to our mum - that’s what makes a good dad.

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff That’s a good idea. I do ask him to take her out and he will say he will but doesn’t!

@Candle1000 that is so lovely. Your dad sounds the best

@Candle1000 my dad is very similar and my grandad was too. Great role models!

What nakes a good dad depends on how you see a fahers role. I mean if a father does all the chores but struggle to provide some would say they are not a good dad.

One who willingly and spontaneously, without coaching or blackmail, takes on half of all childrearing, related tasks and costs including the mental load.

My dad is still amazing at the ripe old age of 87 ! , although I draw the line at him perming my hair now

@june2007 that’s an interesting viewpoint. My DH works NMW but I would honestly overlook it if he did more at home. However the double whammy of him not earning much and also not doing that much makes me struggle with my feelings sometimes.

@ChanklyBore but does such a paragon ever really exists other than occasionally? Nearly ever woman I speak too complains about the mental load.

When DH is working he leaves before we get up so doesnt see ds until he gets home.

When we are both off we alternate getting up and sorting breakfast. I tend to do any night waking as I am a lighter sleeper but DH will be woken by me getting up and offer (and follow through with the offer!) To go instead.

Dh has always done bottles, nappies and taken ds out by himself if i need time to clean for example. He reads to ds and enjoys doing the night time routine (we share this depending in who has seen ds the least). Dh will also take ds to groups or soft play or the park. Dh will pick out clothes for ds and get him dressed and he will buy him clothes too. He and I do bath time together as it's a nice thing to do but if I'm not there he will do it himself.

We are pretty equal in our parenting though I tend to batch cook meals and as I work less I naturally have ds by myself more. We do lots of things as a family on weekends.

Ds is 16 months.

Haha @Candle1000 how cruel to deny him!

My OH works 4 on 4 off. I’m currently on MAT so on his four days off he does two days with DS feeding, changing etc. We split bath time one baths one feeds then the other two day’s we coparent as in split jobs. Normally the last day I do everything so he can at least relax on one of his days off

I have a 15 month old. And a nearly 3 year old. My husband has them one day a week while I work & has done since they were 6 months old. When they don't sleep & I'm up in the night (15month still breastfed) he gets up with them in the morning, gets breakfast etc so I can sleep in if I don't have work. I carry all the mental load id say e.g. immunisation, doctors, childcare planning etc but he would do their laundry, buy clothes if he notices they're short on things etc.
Not sure if that helps.
If you're not happy with the arrangement, you need to talk about it I think, make some changes

Someone who is a partner and sees it as their job as much as yours- so they’ll change a nappy or do a feed or whatever without being asked or thinking that they’re ‘helping you’ by doing it

what makes a good dad? A happy child. With a father who is interested, play with them, raise them. You can have a good dad who will only comes into his role with an older kid.

Is it synonym of a good husband? Not always, the 2 are completely different things.

It's also down to individual - I have seen many men much more comfortable with kids than the women were.

My husband is an incredibly good parent. There are things he’s left to me but far, far more he has taken responsibility for.
The children describe it as knowing they have more than his unconditional love; they are secure that if he can help them, support them or make their lives better in any way, he would do so. He would always put them first and go out of his way to be a good father.

That doesn’t mean perfect- he’s a rubbish cook, but it means, for example, getting dressed at midnight to drive from Sussex to Manchester to collect a distraught 19 year old, very unwell daughter after she phoned in a state. It means looking after our sons car and flat whilst he is deployed. It means speaking to them daily, whenever possible. It means standing in the rain on rugby touchlines and travelling all over the place to get to games. It used to mean sitting through hours of children’s orchestral concerts in draughty halls.
He used to walk our eldest for hours around the streets in her pram trying to get her to sleep whilst I had a bath. He wasn’t good at changing and couldn’t feed them but he did the support around that - shopping, carrying, cleaning, laundry.

I can’t really fault him overall.

You will get a mixed bag with this question and it really does depend on the individual.

I suppose if you think he is taking the piss out of you - he may well be.

Dh is a much more hands on dad since dd2 came along because he had no choice. With dd1 I just got on with stuff and then I’d get tired and pissed off, have a go at him but still carry on doing everything. He is fun loving dad, takes them to swimming and the pictures ( because they now ask) He wrestles with them both in the living room when he gets in from work which drives me bonkers. He would spend his last penny on them and spoils them rotten. They love him to bits.

But he is naturally a lazy git and a pretty selfish one towards me - especially when they were younger. I did most of the night wakes because he would bumble about in the fucking dark waking them up properly, where as I would have them back down in seconds. He doesn’t really pull his weight in the house either yet I get to go for massages and girls trips away when I want, he pays for them. He rarely washes up but I get a foot rub most nights, if I want one. If I’m ill he will cook me a meal and bring it up but fuck the kitchen up in the process. He’s rarely argues and makes me laugh but will leave his dirty clothes scattered every where. He will take the kids out if I ask when I need a quiet house.

You will always read about perfect relationships on here but in reality not many of those exist.

My rule of thumb now and I should have done this when dd1 was younger is - if you feel like he is taking the piss out of you he probably is- so pull him on it and he direct about it. I have to be so literal to Dh he doesn’t get subtle hints.

If you want a point of comparison, as requested - at 15 months he was a SAHD because I’d been on mat leave for 10 months so it was his turn.

You feel its a bit much on you, yet what about him supporting 3 people on nmw? For you to then judge him for it!

Maybe get a job and work round each other. Win win, both contributing and both doing childcare.

My DH did basically everything I did with the kids, except breastfeeding them. He’s a very god Dad and they all adore him.

He is endlessly patient and reasonable and I am much more of a disciplinarian and less popular with them than DH. It sucks a little bit to be honest.